But I need to leave this sweet bubble that’s my escape from the real world and return to the dorm. I’m worried about Carter, even though he’s a grown-ass man.
Even though I treasure this time alone with Susa.
“Would it be okay if I leave early and head back to check on Carter?” I ask.
She cocks her head as she looks at me. “You don’t need my permission, Owen. I think it’s great you’re looking after him.”
But part of me was seeking exactly that—her permission.
Maybe that’s not the best word, though.
Herapprovalis closer, I suppose.
I’m so used to hunting and pecking through my life to find even a smidge of approval from my mother that I forget other people don’t feel a need to extract every ounce of control that they can from me.
A very large part of me wants to serve Susa, not because she demands my full attention and focus, but because she doesn’t.
I want to take care of her, do things for her, even if she only considers me her friend.
I want to be that quiet presence in her life, someone she can count on.
Hell, there are things I wish she’d do to me that I can never speak of, because I wouldn’t dare risk alienating her.
Like I’ll never admit I’ve jerked off a few times to the thought of being naked when I wash dishes for her, of her spanking me for an infraction, real or imagined.
Being bent over the end of her bed or, maybe, stretched out over her lap. The feel of her hand smacking my flesh until it’s hot and red.
None of this I can admit. As much as I’m coming to love Carter, I can’t admit it to him, either.
He wouldn’t understand, I’m sure. He said it himself, he came from an Army family. The secret things I fantasize about don’t have a place in the world Carter inhabits.
Hell, I don’t even understand it. I’m still trying to sort out my mommy issues.
Which sounds really gross when I say it like that, I know. Hence why I’m still trying to sort it all out.
I say my good-byes and head home. When I unlock our room door only thirty minutes later, I’m careful to let myself in quietly. I know he said to make noise, but I want to see how much noise I need to make first without needlessly startling him.
The room is dark, but I’m used to that. There’s just enough light filtering in from the window that I can make my way to my side of the room.
Carter’s haggard voice drifts from the darkness. “I’m awake.”
I snap on the small light that stays clipped to the head of my bed and walk around the end of the divider. “Are you all right?”
He’s stretched out on top of the covers. “Nightmare.”
“Look, I was going to read for a while. I can just as easily do it over here with you. Let me change clothes and brush my teeth and sit up with you, okay?”
I’m not sure if he’ll try to push me away or not, but I’m relieved when he nods. He’s slept like shit the past few nights. Heneedsa good night’s sleep.
Five minutes later, I’m sitting up next to him, along the edge of the bed. Carter’s lying on his side and facing the wall, his back against me, because it’s not like there’s a lot of room.
“Thanks,” he whispers.
I pat his shoulder and start reading, listening to how his breathing quickly evens out, grows slower, deeper.
Easy.
In less than five minutes, I’m certain he’s asleep.
