I feel…light.
Like a weight has lifted from my shoulders.
I feel…
Happy.
I thought I was starting to learn what happiness is from my time spent with them, but this feels like even a level beyond that. Like I’ve unlocked some bonus level or something.
Not for the first time, I wonder if this is what normal people feel like on a daily basis.
They drop me off and say quick hellos and good-byes to Dad and Katie and the kids. Once Carter and Susa leave, I follow my dad and Katie to the kitchen and—what else—offer to help out.
“So how long have they been dating?” Katie asks.
“Oh, they aren’t. We’re all—” My mouth snaps shut, realizing this is the first time I’ve confronted this scenario. Of describing…us.
“She’s sort of adopted us,” I say, going into a very quick version of her story, and Carter’s. “We’ll be staying with her during breaks.”
“That’ll piss your mom off,” Dad says, and he’s not wrong.
“I really don’t care if it does.”
That’s the first time I’ve ever been able to say that, completely mean it, and not feel gut-wrenchingly terrified when I do.
* * * *
I have a great time on Saturday. I meet family I never knew, Dad’s and Katie’s. I especially enjoy Susan warming up and proudly introducing me as her “big brother” to people.
I wonder if this is how Carter feels. If so, I can understand now why he took such a keen interest in me early on when he heard about my background.
Susa and Carter join us for cake, and have actually brought a present for Danny that’s wrapped and everything, and is from the three of us—even though I had no clue she was going to do that, but I feel even more grateful to her because of it.
Saturday night, we return to the hotel after dinner and I lie there and get debriefed by Carter and Susa. More tears, but I’m feeling far less volatile than I was yesterday.
I’ve earned the double reward of being able to come again, and then take care of Susa, like I did that morning.
I sleep like the dead, and if Carter has a nightmare, it’s not loud enough to awaken me.
On the fight back to Tampa Sunday afternoon, I’m sitting on the aisle, Carter’s in the middle this time, and Susa again occupies the window seat. Ever since we took off, he’s kept one hand on Susa’s thigh. Sometime her hand covers his, sometimes not, but it’s like he’s scared to let go.
I awakened feeling…off. Part of me wants to simply blow it off as my emotions wildly swinging out of control, but I don’t understand the vague unease filling me, like there’s a whole subtext I’m missing.
I don’t know what happened between Carter and Susa before they returned to Dad’s house yesterday after dropping me off.
Or maybe I’m just letting insecurity and anxiety and Katie’s innocent question get the best of me.
That’s the most likely scenario.
Thanks, Mom.
Even though it feels like I’ve known Carter for my whole life, one thing I’ve learned for certain in the short time we’ve been together is that he’snotsomeone to mince words or hold back truths.
If he’s got a problem with you, he’ll tell you. Maybe he’s a bastard extraordinaire sometimes, but he’s an honest one.
Except…my mind spins a thousand nervous fantasies. I know they’ve talked about Susa maybe trying things with Carter, so she can see how they feel.
Did they play? Did he top her?
