“I’m not sure it’ll ever be easier unless I excise it from my soul,” I replied honestly. I wiggled as close as I could get to him, which prompted my body to react to my wet, naked man whose body was reacting to a wet and naked me. Gabe trailed his fingers up and down my spine soothingly. “You might’ve noticed that I’m on the skinny side.”
“Slender,” Gabe amended. “I’d even call you sleek, but never skinny. I associate unhealthy with the word skinny, and you’re healthy.”
“I am healthy now, but I wasn’t when I went to college. I was downright skinny,” I told Gabe. “I hadn’t learned from my situation with Billy either, or maybe I thought hiding relationships was the norm because I fell right back into that trap. As much as Billy hurt me, Trenton was far worse.”
“What’s Trenton’s last name?” Gabe asked. He worked his tense jaw from side to side, and I felt his fingers press a little tighter into my flesh.
“Um… I don’t recall.”
“That’s too bad,” Gabe remarked. “How could thisTrentonbe any worse than Sampson?”
“Billy hated himself, not me,” I told Gabe. “Trenton wasn’t ashamed or embarrassed that he was attracted to men, he was ashamed and embarrassed that he was attracted to me specifically. That, my love, is far worse.”
“I hate him,” Gabe said fiercely.
“Hate is a wasted emotion, but if it was possible for me to fall further in love with you than I already am, then I just did.” I lowered my head to his for a quick kiss then continued the story. Gabe’s heated reaction gave me the courage to talk about my past, but I wished that maybe I changed Trenton’s name for his safety. Gabe was a detective after all and trained in the art of finding people.
“You’re a better person than I am,” Gabe responded softly.
I thought back to the times I was rude to him out of fear, and the way I resisted the feelings he brought out in me. I was downright cruel to him at times all because I was afraid of him. “Not even close, Gabe.”
“We’ll have to agree to disagree then.” Gabe inhaled deeply and exhaled slowly. “I think I’m ready for this.” The worried look in his dark eyes told me differently.
“Let me just give you the Cliff Notes version so we can get onto better ways of ending our evening.” One last kiss for courage and I laid it all out for him. “I was excited to meet a guy who was obviously open about his sexuality. It was what I’d hoped for when I started college at the University of Cincinnati. I was even more excited when it was obvious Trenton returned my interest, but it took me a while to realize that nothing had changed. We were hooking up secretly, never went out together on a date, and he never showed any affection to me in public when we were together. He introduced me as a ‘good friend’ to his friends in classes. The only difference was that he didn’t push me away or exhibit self-hatred after sex.
“It took me awhile to see what was going on because I didn’t want to believe it. I finally worked up the nerve to ask Trenton why he was ashamed… of me.” My voice came out shakily on the last part because it still hurt regardless of how long ago the conversation occurred or how far removed I was from the kid I used to be. “He thought I was too thin, not masculine enough, and my flamboyant personality was fun and feisty in the sack, but I was not the kind of person he saw long-term in his future.”
“Ouch,” Gabe said. He rubbed the skin over his heart, and it reminded me just how much he loved me. My hurt was his hurt too. “What did you do?”
“I tried to recreate myself into the person Trenton could see in his future. I was the boy version of Elle Woods fromLegally Blonde.”
“Who?” Gabe asked. After looking at him like he was from another planet, I explained to him about the movie and how I changed my physical appearance and the way I talked. I told him how I started lifting weights and taking supplements to build bulk. Like Warner in the movie, Trenton didn’t take my attempts seriously. He never got past his first impression of me. “So, she realized the guy she wanted wasn’t worth her time and effort in the end, right?” he asked once I finished with my comparisons.
“Yes, and she too found the man who appreciated her for the way she was, just like I did. See the similarities?” I asked.
“I do,” he agreed. “Although, I suspect Elle bounced back quicker than you did.”
“Yeah, well, she found her Gabe earlier in life than I did,” I told him.
“I’ll never be happy for the reasons your heart was guarded when we met, but I’ll never be sorry it was waiting for me either.” It still amazed me that this man loved me the way he did. “I’m the lucky one.”
“You have a way with words, Detective Smooth Talker.” I fought off my typical inclination to cover up the emotions he made me feel with snark or sex. “ButI’mthe lucky one.” Okay, so I wasn’t where I needed to be quite yet.
“We going to fight over who’s the luckiest or are we going to celebrate that we’ve found one another?”
“I’m all for a party,” I replied happily.
“Not that kind of celebration,” Gabe said huskily before he attacked my neck with his lips, tongue, and teeth. “I was thinking something more private for just the two of us. It involves twisted sheets and naked bodies.”
Sex would never solve any issues we had, individually or as a couple, but it was surely amazing to experience once we talked through the things that bothered us. I had never experienced anything close to the way Gabe made me feel when he took me in his arms and kissed me or when he slid deep inside my welcoming body. More than the physical contact, I craved the look in his eyes when I held him inside the most intimate parts of me.
That night, I felt our bond even stronger because I had given Gabe another piece from my past for safe keeping. My trust buoyed him while I reveled in the fact that he truly loved me despite my quirks, or perhaps because of them. The growly purrs that escaped his throat and the look of complete devotion in his eyes made me feel desired and cherished, things only Gabe could do for me.
I loved feeling the power surge through his strong, large body when we became one. The differences in our physique and strength were substantial, but being with Gabe never made me feel weak. In fact, knowing that I was the one who made him shake with need made me feel like I was ten feet tall and knowing that he gave his big, beautiful heart to me made me feel bulletproof.
Gabe took his time loving me that night, making sure I knew how much he cherished me. If his actions hadn’t been enough to get his message across, Gabe’s words after we had made love were proof that I had found the one for me. “Sunshine, please tell me that Tweedle Dick and Tweedle Douche are the only two assholes from your past because I’m not sure my heart or my restraint can handle more.”
First, I laughed my ass off because—holy fuck, Gabe was starting to sound too much like me. It reminded me of the article I read about same-sex couples starting to look and act alike. I had mentioned it to Gabe once before, and he scoffed at it, but it seemed to me he was just a few snarky phrases away from wearing skinny jeans. The idea of Gabe cramming his junk into the tight fabric made me laugh even harder until tears ran down my cheeks.
