We formed a truce and have since become really good friends. In fact, the day he slammed into my office to confront me about my behavior was the very same day he introduced me to Xavier at lunch.Hmmm, coincidence or another example of his Cupid skills?Well, it certainly felt like someone shot me with something. I leaned my head back against my chair and closed my eyes in contemplation. I needed an action plan, because waiting patiently wasn’t an option. So the rest of the day was filled with work and brainstorming ideas for how I could make Xavier mine.
I HAD ANOTHERnightmare about Damien and the night he attacked me; I woke up mad at the world. I was tired of remembering how helpless and defenseless I felt when he held me down and nearly choked the life out of me. He had never taken things that far before that night. He usually chose to throw things and yell, so I was completely unprepared for his attack. I would’ve died that night if my bandmates hadn’t overheard the scuffling and the threats he screamed at me and came to my rescue.
“You were a nobody until I came along. I created you, and only I get to fuck you, Cruz. You belong to ME!”
Damien had me pinned to the floor of my dressing room with his knees on my chest. He’d cuffed my hands to the base of a metal shelving unit that was bolted to the floor and was immovable no matter how hard I tried. The harder I fought him the tighter he squeezed my neck with his strong hands. My lungs burned with lack of oxygen and my chest felt like it was going to cave in from the pressure of Damien’s weight on my chest. Black dots had appeared in my vision and I started to welcome the darkness, but nothing could block the evil sound of his voice and his words from penetrating my soul.
“You thought you could sneak around behind my back and meet another man? I found all of your emails to Kevin Smithson, Cruz. Were you planning on fucking him behind my back? Were all those sweet little exchanges about helping you get clean so he could fuck what belonged to me? I will be the last man you ever fuck, do you hear me? I’d rather kill you than ever let someone touch what is mine.”
I had accepted that I was going to die that night, and almost welcomed it, but then my bandmates kicked down the dressing room door and pulled Damien off of me. By that point, my once tight-knit relationship with my bandmates had deteriorated until they felt like virtual strangers to me. I had harbored a lot of resentment toward them, because at times I blamed them for my predicament. It was my band who talked me into coming back to LA by promising me that things would change and that Damien promised to accept that things were over between us.
I had been stupid to believe any of them and had quickly learned my mistake when I arrived the first night to find them all stoned out of their minds together. It was easier to blame my bandmates than myself for falling back into Damien’s arms. Not a single one of them made me take Ecstasy that first time nor any of the times after. None of them forced me to smoke weed to bring myself down from my high. Even though things were strained between us, I had never been so glad to look up and see Pax and Stix pulling Damien off of me. But, in my most recent nightmare they didn’t pull Damien off of me. Instead, they stood over me and laughed with him while the life faded from my body.
I was determined to do something about my fear, beat it down like I did my addiction to E. So, I signed up for kickboxing classes at the local gym and just doing that simple task made me feel so much better. It cleared the lingering cobwebs of the nightmare from my brain and let me focus on the here and now rather than the then and there.
I decided to go to the store and pick up a few things for Ellie, because she didn’t look very good this morning. I begged her not to go to work, but she insisted she was fine and didn’t need to stay home. I remembered Gram giving me chicken noodle soup, Sprite, and crackers as a child when I didn’t feel good. I figured Ellie’s stomach wouldn’t be able to handle much, but she should surely be able to keep that down.
I was walking toward the checkout lanes when I saw a familiar dark-haired lady scanning the paperback novels. Some kids had heroes who were larger than life, cape-wearing men who had secret powers they used to try and save the world. My hero was a tiny angel with curly dark hair and cornflower blue eyes. Her super power wasn’t laser beam eyes or the ability to climb the side of a building. No, her super power was unconditional love and the ability to give hugs that took away a kid’s pain. My hero was named Miss Annette and she was the preschool teacher who, along with Gram, saved my life.
“Miss Annette,” I said softly behind her, not wanting to scare her.
She spun around at the sound of my voice, a huge welcoming smile on her face. “Xavier,” she said in pure delight. Time had been very kind to Miss Annette, who I suspected was in her late forties. Her skin was as flawless as I remembered and her smile could still light up my heart. Miss Annette threw her tiny arms up around my neck and pulled me down for a hug. I had forgotten how tiny she was until she stood on her tiptoes to give me a kiss on my cheek. “I’m so excited to see you and my goodness you appeared at just the right time.”
“I did?”
“You did, sweet angel.” Miss Annette clasped her tiny hands to her chest and looked at me with earnest joy. “I have a student this year who reminds me so much of you at his age. He’s really confused about the way he’s feeling and his sweet mother could really use your guidance.”
“Miss Annette, I’m not sure I’m the one this kid needs to talk to. I mean, my life hasn’t been exactly role-model material and ...”
“Xavier,” Miss Annette said seriously, “I’m not asking you to be Max’s life coach or father figure, but just maybe you could listen to him and maybe share the things you felt when you were his age.”
“I don’t know, Miss Annette.” I just didn’t see how I could offer the kid or his mother any help in my current fucked-up state.
“Here,” Miss Annette said, pulling her phone out of her purse and pushing a few buttons. “Look at his sweet face and tell me you can refuse him.” She held up the phone in front of my face and I saw a sweet little boy sitting in a circle of girls playing with dolls and a playhouse. He was wearing a tiara, a pink feather boa, and lacy gloves up to his elbows. It was like looking at a picture of me at his age, except this sweet kid had blond hair and blue eyes. “Tell me Max doesn’t look familiar to you, Xavier. That you don’t see and know how confused he is right now. Tell me you can’t offer his mom an encouraging word or maybe a hug, Xavier.”
I caved. After all, Miss Annette was one of my real life heroes and I couldn’t let her or little Max down. “What day and what time works best?”
“Lindsey picks him up at 4:30 so maybe you could come at that time one day this week to meet her and talk to Max.”
“I’ll be there, Miss Annette.”
She dropped her phone back in her purse and cupped my face with both tiny hands. “I love you, Xavier. I always have and I always will. You have the purest heart of anyone I’ve ever known and if anyone can help little Max it’s you.”
“I love you too, Miss Annette.” I gave her a big hug, feeling at once lighter than I had in a long time. I was loved by a lot of people and it was past time I focused on them and my future, not the hateful people from my past. “I will see you sometime this week.”
The clocked ticked 5:30 pm while I warmed up the soup on the stove. I knew Ellie would be home any minute and I wanted to surprise her. My mind was still stuck on the conversation I had with Miss Annette as I lazily stirred the soup in the pot.
What could I really offer Max and his mom?My life had become a fucked-up mess and it seemed like I was the last person who should be giving advice to a confused kid and his mother. On the other hand, my early years of wearing feminine clothes had nothing to do with my current predicament. I felt more relaxed when I realized that all I really needed to do what sit and listen to the little guy and maybe offer an encouraging word or two to him and his mom. I was overthinking things and stressing myself out for no good reason.
I had bigger fish to fry anyway. I hadn’t heard from Ben all damn day and I was getting more and more agitated with every minute that passed without a word from him. I expected him to check up on Ellie this morning or at lunch and text or call me, but nothing. He wasn’t much offriendto her if he couldn’t be bothered to do a simple thing, like make sure she felt better.
I heard the front door fly open followed by a loud thud and the sound of someone running down the hallway towards the bedrooms and bathrooms. I turned the burner down on low and scrambled out of the kitchen to see what was going on. I saw Ellie’s purse and briefcase laying on the floor just inside the door. I picked them up and set them on the couch and shut the front door. I went in search of my sister and found her in the master bathroom leaning over the toilet, her body shaking as it dry heaved repeatedly.
“Morning sickness my ass,” she growled, not realizing I was standing in the doorway.
“El,” I said softly, coming into the room and kneeling beside her. I tried not to scare her, but I did anyway. Her frightened, big brown eyes looked huge against her ashen complexion. “You’re pregnant?” I asked quietly while I kneeled down beside her.
“I fucked up, Xavier,” she said tearfully and leaned her head against my chest. “I’m so damn stupid.”
