Black dots danced across my vision and a full-on panic attack loomed near. I tried to remind myself that it was JJ, who cared about me and would never hurt me, but my brain screamed DANGER. I fought to breathe air into my lungs, but it felt like they had closed up.
“Let go of him, JJ.” Ben’s authoritative voice had JJ releasing me immediately. I gasped as soon as I was free from him, but I still struggled to pull air into my lungs. Ben immediately had me wrapped in his arms. “Can we have a private moment please?” Ben didn’t wait for a response before he pulled me into the bathroom and shut the door. “You’re okay, love. Breathe with me.” He placed my hand over his chest so I could feel the steady rhythm of his lungs working, moving air in and out, in and out. It didn’t take me long to calm down and breathe with him. He placed his hands gently on my neck, because he knew how much I loved for his touch to replace the bad memories.
“Ben,” I whispered brokenly. “I’m such a fucking mess.” I felt hot tears of humiliation burn the back of my eyes. “JJ was only playing around with me and look what happened.”
“Stop being so hard on yourself, Xavier. You survived a very abusive relationship and you are bound to have triggers.” Ben read a lot about drug addiction and domestic abuse recovery. It was one of the many reasons why I loved him so much. “I’ll go with you if you want to talk to a professional.” And he would, just like he had gone to quite a few of my NA meetings. “Anything you want, but please don’t put yourself down.”
“I love you so much, Ben.” I didn’t always feel deserving of his love, but I was getting better.
“And, I love you.” He held me close and kissed my face so sweetly. “Are you ready to return to the party?”
I nodded my head and we opened up the bathroom to leave and found JJ pacing the hallway. I was shocked at the level of concern I saw in his eyes. I’d never told him about my abusive relationship and I was certain no one else did either. The expression in his eyes gave away a secret from his past that I’d bet not even Chase knew.
JJ knew what it was like to suffer abuse. He must have recognized the signs in me and was feeling horrible that he triggered a response. “Xavier, I would never hurt you. I am so fucking sorry.”
“It’s okay, J. It wasn’t your fault. You were only playing around with me and had no idea that would happen. Hell, I wouldn’t have thought it would happen either. I’m sorry I scared you.”
JJ pulled me into a gentle hug. “Don’t let the memories of the past ruin your future. Take it from someone who lives with regrets daily. Fight for what you have, squirt, because it’s worth it.” He dropped an innocent kiss on my forehead and walked away. His shoulders sagged from the weight of his heavy heart.
I knew he was talking about Chase and my heart broke for him. How fucking hard must it have been for him to watch Chase fall in love and marry Gray? It astonished me that he kept accepting invites, because it had to be emotional torture. But, Chase would be hurt if he didn’t show up and it was now crystal clear to me that JJ would do anything to make Chase happy, even at the expense of his own sanity.
“Wow,” Ben said. He pulled me into a hug, because it was what the moment called for. We were both grateful that we had found each other and we weren’t members of the lonely hearts club. “I’m going to fight for us every damn day. I’ll fight to the finish to keep you in my life.”
“Me too, Ben. Sometimes I’ll be fighting myself, but I’ll give you everything I am - the good the bad, and the downright ugly.” I looked up at Ben and said, “I need a kiss.” He gladly obliged me and kissed me until I was ready to send everyone home so we could be alone together. Ben pulled back and I could tell he felt the same. “Let’s go feed them and then maybe they’ll leave faster.”
“Good idea.”
We rounded the corner into the kitchen and I came to a screeching halt. Bevan and Ellie were deep in a conversation with each other as they leaned against the kitchen counter. They looked like they were in their own little world. I recognized those expressions for what they were – blossoming feelings. I smiled to myself as I entered the kitchen the rest of the way.
“Hi gorgeous. Are you ready to eat?” I wrapped my arms around my sister and placed a kiss on the top of her head.
“I’m starved, hot stuff,” Bevan replied with a laugh.
“I’m starved too.” Ellie rubbed her little baby bump. “We’re starved,” she amended.
I watched Bevan’s expression as Ellie brought up her pregnancy. I wanted to see if it was a problem for him. He kept his gaze steadily on mine and didn’t flinch at the reference to her unborn child. I felt like there was more in his look, as if he was seeking something from me and then it dawned on me. He was asking for my approval.Oh, how the mighty have fallen,I thought to myself with a smug smile. I gave him a playful wink over Ellie’s head and saw him visibly relax.
“I’m going to relieve Lennie from grill duties. I’ll let you know how much longer it will be.” Ben dropped a kiss on my cheek before he left.
I felt bad for intruding on their moment, but I needed to talk to Van about the birthday party I wanted to plan for Ben. Chase and Gray entered the kitchen a minute later and I was glad so I could get his friends’ input.
“I want to plan a birthday party for Ben and I need your input,” I told them. “I was thinking something really casual at Bottoms Up. We could play darts, pool, have karaoke, and eat cake. What do you think? Is that too lame?”
“It sounds perfect to me,” Gray said. “I don’t think he’d like us to make a big fuss, but he’d enjoy a casual gathering to play pool and darts.”
“I agree,” Ellie said.
“Sounds good to me,” Chase replied.
“Are you talking about a surprise birthday party?” Bevan asked.
“Nooooo,” Ellie, Gray, Chase, and I all said at the same time.
“Okaaaaay,” Bevan said, not understanding our vehement response, so we enlightened him. “Jesus,” Bevan said when we were through. “You met when your ex brought Chase home to fuck when he thought you were out of town? The lights get flipped on and there stands Chase with your boyfriend at his feet ready to blow him?” We all nodded. He turned to Chase and asked, “Then you show up at your new job a few days later and learn that Gray is your boss?” We all nodded again. We were starting to look like bobblehead dolls. “Holy fucking shit! No wonder you all are such believers in fate. Hell, you and my brother might not have happened, if not for Chase and Gray’s fated encounter. Huh?”
“It’s possible that I would’ve met him through Ellie, but doubtful,” I agreed. “We owe it all to Devon Bellows.” My statement was followed by a chorus of groans or laughter. “Van, I really could use your help on two things: your dad and the birthday cake.”
“You want my dad to pop out of the birthday cake?”
