“No! Chase, you can’t tell Ava and upset her right now.” I’ll never know how I was able to string that thought together, but was grateful that I did. “Just take me to Ben’s house. I need to be near his things. Please.”
The drive to his house was so quiet you could’ve heard a pin drop. I was so lost in misery that I couldn’t talk worth a damn at that point anyway. I saw Van on Ben’s front porch when we pulled up. I barely waited for the car to come to a stop before I jumped out and ran to him.
“Why him?” Van asked between broken sobs. “Why not me?” Van pulled me into a tight hug and we both cried in anguish. No hurt I had ever felt prepared me for this moment and I felt like I would collapse any minute from the heavy weight of hopelessness pressing down on me.
“Let’s get you both inside,” Gray said softly. He took the keys from my hand and tried each one until he found the right key. “Here we go,” he said, opening the door.
“What can I do for you, Xavier? How can I help you?” Chase had always been the calm in every storm of my life, but not even he could help me right then.
“There’s nothing you can do. Right now I just need to be in his space, touch his things, and smell him in the air.”
“We’ll stay with you, Xavier,” Gray told me. “We don’t want to leave you alone right now.” Gray was struggling to keep it together, but he was trying to be strong for me.
“You go on back to the hospital and be with Ava. She doesn’t know about the plane crash and she won’t understand why her best friend just up and disappeared. Go be with her,” I told them. “I have Bevan with me.” I promised to call them if I needed anything. I was gripped tightly by both of them once more before they left hand in hand.
Bevan opened up a brown paper sack and began to drink some form of hard liquor. “Sorry, kid. I’m not trying to be insensitive, but fuck it all. I just lost my only family and I need something to take away the pain.”
His words had me twitching to lose myself in chemicals too, but I couldn’t do that to Ben’s memory. Ben supported every step I had made in my recovery and it would be a disgrace to get drunk or high in the wake of his death. I wouldn’t betray his love that way.
I grabbed the Rolling Stones album that we listened to the night before he left for his west coast trip. I walked around the living room and touched his favorite things while the Stones sang for me. I stood in front of the map and thought of the trips we talked about taking. I touched the pegs Ben pushed in for our dream vacation spots as tears ran unchecked down my face.I never told him that I love him.
“He knew,” Bevan slurred from his spot on the couch.
“What?”
“Ben knew that you loved him, Xavier.”
“I didn’t realize I said it out loud.”
“You were chanting it over and over.” Bevan rose to his feet and swayed over to me. “You made my brother happier than he had ever been in his life. Words are just words, Xavier. You showed him how much you loved him and that’s what really counts.”
I heard what he said to me, but my heartbreak couldn’t be reconciled by his words. Maybe someday I’d forgive myself, but not today. I left Van downstairs to drink away his misery. I didn’t blame him, but I didn’t want to see it or smell it. I refused to give in to temptation.
Once inside Ben’s room, I picked up a shirt he had flung across the bed the morning he left. I brought the shirt to my nose and inhaled his scent deep inside. I removed my clothes and slipped his shirt on over my head before climbing beneath the blankets. I hugged his pillow while our song played on a tormented replay in my head while endless tears fell from my tired eyes. I both loved and hated our song, because I had been greedy with it just like I was with my words. I prayed it would stop at the same time I prayed it would never end.
I felt myself drifting to sleep and I welcomed the darkness. “I love you, Ben,” I said out loud, hoping that he somehow heard my words.
I FOUND MYSELFin the most amazing dream, one where Ben was alive and whispering my name in between sweet kisses he placed on my neck. It was so real I could feel the bed shift beside me and smell the familiar soap on his skin. It was so beautiful, but so cruel.
Dream Ben caressed my check and brushed his thumb over my dried trail of tears. “I’m here, Xavier. I haven’t left you.”
I could feel sleep eluding me as my brain tried to wake my body, but I didn’t want to open my eyes and lose this dream. What if Ben never visited me again in my sleep? I could feel fresh tears roll hotly down my face.
“I love you, Ben.” I said it to dream Ben and hoped that my Ben heard and felt it too.
Warm lips kissed away my fresh tears and arms wrapped around me, pulling me tight against a warm body. I’d never had such a dream so vivid that I could smell and feel it.
“Wake up, baby.” Hot breath tickled my ear. No! I couldn’t wake up. Ben was gone and I just couldn’t face it. I wanted to live in this dream with him forever. “Xavier, I’m right here. Open your eyes, baby. I need to see them.”
“I can’t. You’ll disappear and I’ll have nothing. I should’ve played the song for you that I wrote for us. I was trying to plan a special night to surprise you. I was going to tell you how much I love you as soon as you came through the door.”
The soft kiss turned to wet, open-mouthed kisses on my neck while a warm hand slipped beneath Ben’s shirt – the one that still smelled like him. “I know you love me. I’ve always known that you love me. Wake up and tell me so I can look in your eyes when you say those magical words to me.”
“No. Make love to me one more time, Ben, and then I’ll open my eyes and face the world without you.”
Dream Ben chuckled softly. “I’ll make love to you every night if that is what you want.”
“I love you, Ben.” I said again, not knowing when, or even if, he’d be paying me another visit in my dreams.
