“We haven’t set a date yet,” Gram announced. “I’m still not convinced why we,” she gestured back and forth between Lennie and herself, “need to get married at seventy years old. I resisted for as long as I could, but he threatened to start withholding sex, so I caved.”
There was the Gram I had come to know and love.
“Aggie,” Lennie playfully admonished. “The kids don’t want to hear about our personal relations.”
“As if they’re not all screwing like monkeys every damn chance they get. Don’t think I didn’t notice how long it took for some of you tochangeinto dry clothes.”Guilty!
Van guffawed beside me and I forgot this was his first time around Gram. “She’s really something isn’t she?” I asked Van.
“She’s freaking awesome! Man, Chase and Xavier were lucky to be raised by her,” Van replied in awe.
Gram came to our table after the excitement wore off. She placed her hand over mine, leaned in, and kissed me on the cheek. “I thank God for you daily, Ben.” I looked into her eyes and saw the seriousness that matched the tone of her voice. “I do!” She clearly read the skepticism in my eyes. No one had ever told me that they were thankful to God for me.
I swallowed hard around the lump that formed in my throat. I didn’t quite know how to respond to a statement like that. “Thank you, Gram.” It wasn’t a very savvy response, but it was all I could muster at the time.
“You’re welcome, sugar. You just keep that sparkle in my boy’s eyes and that will be thanks enough. You know, I give Lennie a hard time about the marriage stuff, but it feels really good to belong to someone again.” I saw emotional tears well up in her eyes. “I never thought I’d love again, but look at me now.”
“Congratulations. You’re going to make a beautiful bride.”
“What kind of dress are you going to wear?” Ellie asked.
“Oh, something classy and timeless,” Gram replied.
“Classy and timeless? I miss the wild outfits you used to wear,” Ellie confessed with a pout. “Are you toning it down, because of Lennie?”
“In part,” Gram said softly. “Mostly, I realized that sexiness is a state of mind and not an outfit choice. I feel just as sexy in this sleeveless top and capri pants than if I wore a halter dress. There is no shame in dressing sexy and there is no expiration date on feeling sexy. Lennie has helped me see that I don’t need risqué outfits to be sexy; I just need to feel it inside.” Gram reached over and patted Ellie’s arm. “Don’t worry, baby girl, I’m not toning down my mouth one bit.” Gram winked at us and stood to go find Lennie. “I’ve had a beautiful time, but I am ready to go home. Lennie is all the fireworks I need tonight.”
I commandeered a lounge chair as the night sky turned darker. I sat down and Xavier nestled in between my legs and laid back against my chest. I wrapped my arms around him, forming an X over his chest. Xavier placed his hands around my wrists and sighed in contentment, like he’d wanted to be right there in my arms all day long. I knew just how he felt, because it was exactly what I had been craving too.
The first firework exploded across the sky and jolted me out of my thoughts. I watched as several more colorful bursts lit up the dark sky. The timing and spacing of the fireworks were impeccable; it was never too many at once or too long of a space in between.
“That’s how you make me feel inside, Xavier. You bring vibrant colors into my life and light up my world.” He rolled over so that he was lying on top of me. The magical lights were bursting overhead as he looked down at me. I knew I wasn’t going to find a better moment to tell him how I felt. “I love you, Xavier.”
His eyes widened in surprise and then his lips moved as if he were trying to speak, but no sound came out. I didn’t say the words to him with the expectation that he would return them; I just needed him to know how I felt about him. He closed his eyes briefly and when he reopened them I clearly saw what my words meant to him in his radiant gaze. Xavier lowered his mouth to mine and kissed me with all the emotion he was unable to express with words and that was all the response I needed.
AUGUST BROUGHT ABOUTsome pretty exciting changes in my life. I sold another original score to Ryan Productions and received my royalties from the first sale. Ben agreed to help me look for a house and I hoped to find one we both loved, because I wanted it to beourhome someday.
Things were great between us and I fell deeper in love with him every single day. I just wished I could tell him all the things I felt inside. I could write a fucking song about how he made me feel, but couldn’t make my mouth form three little, but very important words. I tried to tell him the night of the July 4thcelebration when the fireworks reflected in his eyes. I saw the love he felt for me in their depths before he said the words. I opened my mouth to say it back to him, but nothing came out.
“It’s okay, Xavier. There’s no pressure for you to say it back to me. I just wanted you to know how I feel.”Those were the words Ben spoke to me after I kissed him following his declaration. I poured all of my heart into that one kiss and I hoped he felt it.
I did know how Ben felt, because that amazing man told me every day and showed me in every possible way. Ben never let it show if he was upset that I still had not said the words to him. He still smiled that same brilliant smile and loved me with all that he had – heart, body, and soul.
My own insecurities were what held me back from telling Ben that I was in love with him too. As much as I had grown these last few months – and it had been in leaps and bounds - I still found myself disbelieving that I deserved Ben. There was a small part of me that feared that someday he would wake up and realize he could do better. That tiny molecule of doubt was what held me back.
Ben once told me that his parents had never told him that they loved him. I wondered, if not his parents, who had told him he was loved? Van was even more emotionally damaged then Ben, so it was unlikely that they exchanged words of love between them. If I told Ben how I felt and said the words “I love you” would I be the first person to ever say those words to him? If so, I worried that he would tie himself to me for the rest of his life out of obligation. I wanted Ben forever, but not at the cost of his own happiness.
Maybe my fear was unfounded and irrational, but that didn’t make it feel any less real or scary to me. Van was right when he said people threw the L word around like it meant nothing, but to Ben it would meaneverything. It took me a month to come to terms with my fears and be ready for the next step. I was ready to bare my soul to him and tell him everything I felt for him in my heart. Ben – we – deserved it.
Ben had been out of town for four days, which was a longer period than normal for him, but this trip encompassed visits to three different accounts on the West Coast. I missed him like crazy and told him so every night. Ben ended each call with those three magic words that always brought me comfort. I loved him with every fiber of my being and I couldn’t wait to tell him as soon as he got home. No more living in fear. I was going to blurt it out the minute I saw his face so I wouldn’t work myself up over trying to find the perfect moment.
I was just about to put a frozen pizza in the oven when Chase called me and said that Ava had gone into labor. Chase sounded like a spastic basket case so I decided to head over to the hospital to help Gray keep him calm for Ava’s sake. The last thing she needed was a wound up Chase riling her up while she was trying to bring her baby into the world. I turned off the oven and headed straight over. I sent a quick text to Ben to let him know what was going on, even though he was on a plane on his way home and wouldn’t get it until he landed.Home to me.I loved the sound of that.
The labor and delivery waiting room was already packed by the time I got there. It appeared that the guys were in the waiting room while the ladies and Chase must have been in the delivery room with Ava and Brandon. I said hello to everyone and walked over to Gray.
“How is he?”
“He’s a fucking mess.” Gray snorted and then covered his mouth. “What’s he going to be like when we have our own kids? He’ll have to be medicated.” Gray grabbed my elbow and moved me out of hearing range. “He met her doctor for the first time and demanded to see her credentials. He insisted she was barely old enough to have completed under grad school, let alone medical school and surgical rotations. You have no idea how glad I am to see you.”
