“I’m getting there, Ben.” I ran a hand through my hair while I worked up my courage to ask for something I had no right to. “Can I please come in?” I saw the hesitation and wariness in his beautiful gray eyes before he stepped aside to allow me to enter his home.
“I’m going to take a quick shower so go ahead and make yourself comfortable. There’s plenty of soft drinks and juice in the refrigerator.”
“Thank you,” I replied to his retreating back.
I looked at Ben’s vinyl record collection while he showered upstairs. I closed my eyes and wished I could curl up on his couch and burrow into him while we listened to albums. God, I missed him so fucking much, but I wasn’t sure I had the right to say that to him.
Ben returned several minutes later and situated himself in the chair across from me instead of sitting beside me on the couch. The few feet between us felt like an unsurmountable chasm made worse by the wall that Ben erected while he was upstairs. Damn if I didn’t want to kick that wall down and crawl into his lap where I felt I belonged. I wasn’t sure where to start so I chose to go with brutal honestly.
“This has been the hardest seven days of my life. The urge to do drugs was the strongest I faced since I quit. At one point, I got in my car and went to a club so I could find a dealer and buy some E. I sat in the parking lot and fought the biggest battle of my life, Ben, but I won in the end. I drove back home and called the Narcotics Anonymous hotline and talked to a counselor, because I can’t do this alone. I went to three meetings in seven days and I’m feeling stronger now, but it will always be a battle for me.” Ben’s expressionless face told me nothing about how he was feeling. I took a deep breath for courage and soldiered on. No guts, no glory.
“I’ve missed you so fucking much, Ben. There wasn’t a day that passed by that I didn’t want to call you to hear your voice and let you assure me that everything would be okay. I wanted to lay my head on those broad shoulders and let you help me forget that my ex-boyfriend had been brutally killed. I wanted you to tell me it was okay that I wasn’t sad about Damien’s death. I hurt you and I’m sorry.” Ben made a scoffing sound like he wasn’t hurt. “Ididhurt you and I am sorry.”
“What do you want from me, Xavier?” I wasn’t the only one going straight the crux of the problem.
“Right now or long-term?”
“Both. I’ve made a really big move tonight by saying goodbye to my parents and our lethal relationship. I also learned this past week that I will no longer pursue a man who doesn’t want my attention; I’m not the kind of guy who wants or needs a challenge in his personal life. I’m not asking for a declaration of your affections, Xavier, but I need to know what you want for us now and down the road. If you just want to be friends then I will do that for you. I will find a way to push the crazy chemistry aside and just focus on being your friend. I can’t be your fuck buddy, though. I just can’t be that to you and keep my heart intact.” His honesty and vulnerability gave me the courage to be the same for him – honest and vulnerable.
“Right now I want to curl up with you on your couch and snuggle while we listen to some of the amazing records in your collection. Later, if you’ll have me. I’d like to spend the night in your arms and wake up to your face in the morning.” I took a shaky breath before I continued. “My long-term goal is to earn your trust again and give in to my heart when it screams that I hold on to you and never let go.”
Ben swallowed audibly. “I’ve missed you, Xavier. My world felt dull and out of focus without you in it.”
He rose to his feet, walked to me, and held out his hand for me to take then pulled me to my feet. Ben wrapped his arms around me and held me tight; it felt like coming home. We stayed that way for several minutes just breathing each other in. He’d hugged me and held me before, but in that moment it felt different; felt more.
“Don’t disappear on my again, Xavier.” He ran his nose along the outer shell of my ear, making me shiver. “My heart can’t take it.”
“I want to be the one you finally give your heart to for safe keeping, Ben.”
“You fucking scare me to death, Xavier.” He placed a soft kiss on my lips. “Pick out the music and I’ll grab us some drinks.”
Snuggling on the couch led to slow dancing which turned into lazy kisses. Those kisses got steamy as we slowly peeled each other’s clothes off and tossed them on the couch. Our soft sighs soon turned into hungry kisses that threatened to scorch us both.
“I want to lay you down on my bed and love you, Xavier. Then I want you to ride me slow and drive me wild with your hips. Damn, I’ve imagined nothing else since I saw you perform at Bottoms Up.” Ben cupped my face in his strong hands. “I’m brave enough to give you all that I am, but are you brave enough to accept it?”
“Yes,” I whispered through tears.
We showed each how we felt with our bodies when words just weren’t enough. Ben laid me down and loved me so slowly with adoring eyes that never left mine. Then I rolled him over and rode him with everything I had. Ben caressed my body as I rolled my hips to the beat of the song like I did at the bar. When Ben came close to coming, I reached behind me and squeezed his balls to hold his orgasm off. I knew it would make his orgasm even more powerful when he finally came. I would ride him to the edge and hold him back time after time, ignoring his pleas to let him come. He was a lot stronger than me and could have easily rolled me over and fucked me into the mattress, but he loved receiving the sensual torture as much I loved doling it out.
We came together and it was magnificent and poignant, as well as loud. We collapsed in a heap in the middle of his bed and held each other tight. Ben rubbed his hand up and down my back soothingly while I nuzzled my nose against his chest. I wanted to stay just like that for the rest of my life, but Ben’s growling stomach negated that idea.
“Let’s go downstairs andIwill cook foryouthis time,” I told him.
“You cook?”
“I cook some, but nothing near your level.”
“I haven’t eaten since breakfast and I’m starved to death, Xavier. I’d probably eat cardboard at this point.”
“Good to know.” I said with a chuckle.
We didn’t bother getting dressed before we walked downstairs to his kitchen. I opened up the refrigerator to see what I had to work with. Ben came up behind me as I was bending over to check his crisper drawer and began to caress my ass and nibble on the back of my neck.
“I changed my mind about food,” he said huskily. “The only thing I want to eat is your ...”
“Jesus Christ. Haven’t you two had enough of each other yet?”
The deep voice startled the hell out of us both causing us to jump and spin around. Ben pushed me behind him in a protective move, but not before I got a look at the man who stood in the kitchen – not that I needed to see him to know who our intruder was.
