“The perpetrator was obviously looking for something, because the entire apartment was tossed and Deacon’s fingerprints were everywhere. The police found evidence that Damien had been taking pictures of people in compromising situations and using them as blackmail so the suspect pool is very large, but Deacon is the only one directly tied to the crime scene.”
Damien was dead! Deacon murdered him because of me. If I had been stronger and stayed away from LA then Damien would be alive and Deacon wouldn’t have his blood on his hands. I closed my eyes to block out the pitying looks on Bevan and Ben’s faces. My lungs started to seize up as panic gripped me. I let go of Ben’s hand and wrapped my arms around myself and began to rock back and forth.
“My fault. All of it.” I didn’t recognize the desolate voice as my own. “Damien was an absolute slime, but nobody deserves to die like that. Deacon is a g-good man and I’ve ruined his life.” The St. Claire’s began speaking at the same time, trying to calm me down and assure me that none of it was my fault, but I knew better. I did this. I might as well have pulled the trigger myself.
“Xavier, this isn’t your fault. To be honest, it was only a matter of time before someone shot Erik. He was bound to pick the wrong person to blackmail and pay the ultimate price.”
“Van.” Ben practically growled his brother’s name before he focused his attention back on me. “Babe, look at me please. Don’t do this to yourself, Xavier.” I heard the fear in his voice that I might relapse and he had every right to be fearful. I never wanted to get high as much as I did right then.
“I, uh, I just need some time to myself to grasp everything you told me.” I rose from my seat without looking at either of them. “I’m just going to change my clothes and go for a run. It always helps center me.” I gripped my hands together so they couldn’t see how badly they were shaking.
“I’ll go with you,” Ben offered.
“No!” I finally looked at Ben and saw how my harsh rejection hurt him. I softened my voice and said, “Thank you for the offer, but I really need to be by myself while I work this out. You just go ahead with whatever plans you had and I’ll call you later.”
I didn’t wait around for his response. I ran up the stairs, changed into my running gear, and left the house without a goodbye to either of them. I had hoped that I could run off my demons like I had in the past, but it was wishful thinking. Guilt, regret, and self-loathing followed behind and nipped at my heels, threatening to suck me into a dark abyss of despair that I knew I’d never recover from. The only thing I could do was run faster and hope to outrun it.
I DIDN’T HEARfrom Xavier for a week after he stormed out of Chase and Gray’s house to jog after learning about Damien’s death and Deacon’s suspected involvement in it. I sat in the kitchen in a stunned stupor and stared at my brother. I wondered if I looked as utterly helpless as I felt.
“What are you going to do?” Bevan had asked me.
I shrugged as if I didn’t have a care in the world. “What can I do, but wait for him to call me?”
“That’s it?” Bevan seemed disappointed in my answer, but I didn’t know what else I could do.
“That’s it.”
Seven long and torturous days passed with no word from Xavier. I had sent him two texts and left one voicemail message for him; all of them went unanswered. On the seventh day, I realized that whatever I had hoped for us would not transpire; the tentative relationship we had started to build was over. I just hoped that at some point I could look back on the one special night we shared with fond memories and not the resentment that had begun to brew.
I understood that Xavier needed time to regroup and come to terms with what he learned about his ex-manager and his friend. I wasn’t an insensitive bastard who only cared about myself. But, what I couldn’t comprehend was the selfish behavior that made Xavier think it was okay to ignore me when it was so obvious in my messages that I was worried about him. How fucking hard would it have been to send me one short text to let me know that he was okay and hadn’t regressed?
None of it mattered any longer. I was done! Relationships weren’t for the St. Claire’s; I’d known it my entire life, but when it came to Xavier I wanted to believe differently. My family was only good at fucking and it was time I remembered that and gave up my pie-in-the-sky hopes that I’d be any different than them.
Needless to say, I was in a real shitty mood when I picked Beverly up for the charity dinner like the dutiful son I was - that she neither wanted nor deserved. Surprise of all surprises, she actually seemed glad to see me, which made me suspicious right from the start. Beverly didn’t care about anything but herself therefore my required presence meant she was up to something. I couldn’t dig up the gumption to care at that particular moment. I tuned her out when she started up a steady stream of mindless chatter until we arrived at the convention center.
“Your morose attitude is both unwelcome and intolerable, Bennett.” Beverly’s narrowed eyes and pinched mouth hardly registered on my Give-A-Shit meter. “Snap out of your mood! It’s no wonder you haven’t landed a husband. Your people can marry in every state now. What’s your holdup?”
“My people, Mother? Have you any idea how offensive your statement is?”
“Don’t be so sensitive, Bennett. You were always too emotional and it was the reason you got so fat.” Her tone was both superior and dismissive and it grated on my last fucking nerve.
Why was I there? Why did I even bother?I was no longer a sad, lonely little boy who only wanted to be loved by his parents. I was a grown man capable of choosing who I let in his life and for the life of me I couldn’t figure out why I tolerated my parents and their poison near me.
“Let’s just get this night over with,” I said tersely, which went right over her head.
I grabbed Beverly’s arm and led her toward a person with a clipboard who could validate our tickets. Once inside the event, she began looking around and prattling quietly about this couple and that couple, whispering all about their personal lives, as if I gave a shit.
“Oh, there he is.” Beverly’s excited voice made the hair on the back of my neck stand up. She dug her claws into my bicep and practically dragged me over to where a group of men stood. “Jagger,” she exclaimed excitedly. I about crapped my pants when JJ turned around and smirked in my direction. I had forgotten his first name was Jagger until my mom said it like they were best of friends.
“Ben,” JJ said smoothly. “How’s life been treating you?”
“Not bad. How about you? You must be really happy with the Supreme Court’s ruling on gay marriage bans.”
“I am thrilled about their decision, even though it isn’t something I want for myself. It was just the tip of the iceberg, though. The LGBT community still faces an inexcusable amount of discrimination, especially in the workplace. That’s where my focus will be going forward.”
“Wait! You two already know each other?” Beverly sounded gleeful. She directed her appraising gaze at JJ. “I didn’t know you’d had the pleasure of meeting Bennett.”
“I’ve not had all the pleasure he has to offer, yet, but we have been acquaintances for over a year.” I didn’t miss how JJ’s voice lowered several sexy notches when he mentioned pleasure.
