“Yes, Miss Daisy.”
This was not how I wanted my night to go, but Xavier appeared to be having a great time as he laughed at the bantering back and forth between Van and myself. We waited and watched as the cheating bastard went into the convenient store and returned a few minutes later with flowers and a bottle of wine.
“See? What the fuck did I tell you? I bet that wine tastes like panther piss.” Van leaned forward until his head was between the front seats. “Let’s finish this little stakeout to the very end, shall we? Let’s follow this pathetic loser home.”
I looked over at Xavier to see if he was okay with Van’s plan and he shrugged his shoulders in response, so I took that as an agreement. I casually pulled out behind our guy, because we all knew where he was going next and had the address. We parked down the street from his house and I was grateful for the darkness that had fallen when I saw the light from the street lamps bounce on the toys and bikes in the front yard, which indicated that this sleaze had already fathered children.
The front porch light came on when the asshole got out of his SUV and walked up the front walk to his door. His wife stepped onto the porch and I could plainly see the strain on her face, even from a few doors down. She accepted her gifts and let herself be hugged by her husband, who didn’t outwardly show anything when his wife went completely stiff in his arms. The wife remained on the porch for several moments after the cheating bastard went inside smiling, because he thought he got away with it again.
“She knows,” Van said, breaking the strained silence, “just like they always do.” He leaned back in the seat and let out a muffled groan that was full of frustration. “Take me back to my car, will ya punk?”
“Sure, Van.”
I put the car into gear and drove us all back to the bar where our night began. The ride there was so quiet you could’ve heard a pin drop. I parked next to Bevan’s car and was ready for him to get the hell out, but Xavier stopped him.
“Bevan, can I hire you to help me find a friend? I haven’t been able to get in touch with him for a long time and I’m worried.”
Bevan looked as surprised as I felt, but it didn’t stop him from pulling a business card out of his pocket and handing it to Xavier. “Call me and I’ll see what I can do for you,” he offered with a cool smile. “Ben, walk me to my car.” It wasn’t a question. I got out of the car and made sure to shut the door so Xavier wouldn’t overhear the conversation. “What the fuck are you doing,” Van whispered angrily. “Is that your idea of taking things slow?”
“Van, I got this under control.”
“It didn’t look like it to me. It looked like you were about five seconds from car sex in public. Ben, I just want you to be careful.”
“Van, he’s confided in me and I’m perfectly fine with everything I learned from him. I promise you that I’ve got this under control. The absolute worst thing that could happen would be that he doesn’t return my feelings. Yeah, it will hurt pretty fucking bad, but it won’t kill me.” I tried to convince Van, but I also wondered if I was also trying to convince myself.
Van gave me a tight hug and patted me on the back. “Call me anytime, Ben. Night or day.”
I agreed that I would and watched him get in his car and drive away. I smiled to myself as I walked back to Xavier, because I had a new item to add to the bucket list: car sex.
I DIDN’T SEEor talk to Ben for over a week after our stakeout. Things felt strained and tense between us once he got back in the car and drove us back to his house to pick up my car. I was to blame for the edgy atmosphere, because I was certain that Bevan and Ben were having a discussion about me. I couldn’t hear their words, but I could read their body language loud and clear. It was obvious that Bevan was expressing concern while Ben deflected it. I didn’t want to come between the brothers and their little discussion helped me regain my perspective.
As much as I wanted Ben – and I wanted him bad – I could not let my attention get diverted from my recovery. I had made some huge strides in acceptance and forgiveness, but I wasn’t foolish enough to believe I was anywhere close to being ready for a relationship. I spent the rest of the ride back to my car in almost complete silence, allowing myself to breathe in his scent and willing my brain to commit it to memory. I foolishly let my mind recall every second of our heated kiss.
Ben tried to pull me out of my funk by asking if I was okay, to which I answered that I was just tired. He accepted my answer, but I could tell that he knew I was making excuses and pulling away from him emotionally. Again. He deserved so much better than I was willing and able to give. He deserved someone who was whole and able to give him more than quick, dirty fucks when the need became too strong. He deserved what Chase and Gray had and I wanted him to have it so badly.
Our goodbye in his driveway was awkward to the say the least, with both of us saying the standard “see you around” or “talk to you later” with both of us knowing it wouldn’t happen. I went home that night and dreamed more chords and lines from the rhythm of us. Like the time before, I recorded them in my notebook; however, this time my notes were accompanied by tears instead of a smile.
I had just been going through the motions of living during the days following the stakeout. I ate when I felt hungry, slept when I felt tired, and worked out almost every free second in between. My body adjusted to the adrenaline rush from the kickboxing lessons, so I no longer felt the crazed need to fuck afterward, but I drove by Ben’s house on more than one occasion. I found comfort in just seeing the lights on in his house and knowing that he’d open that door and welcome me inside if I was brave enough to accept what he offered.
What exactly was Ben offering me? Friendship? Fuck Buddy? I believed Ben when he told Bevan that one-night stands just weren’t doing it for him any longer, but that didn’t mean he was looking for happily ever after with me. And, what if he was looking for more with me? Could I handle it? I didn’t know anything, except that I missed the sound of his voice, his laughter, and his delicious smell. I wouldn’t let myself think about the way he tasted on my lips and tongue for fear of losing my mind.
So, I lived a fairly miserable existence on my self-imposed hiatus from Ben. I tried to put on a happy front for Ellie, who didn’t buy it, but had the decency to pretend she did. Then two amazing things happened that brought me hope and joy. I received an email from Ryan Productions in LA and learned that one of the original scores I wrote, produced, and submitted had been chosen for a new cable television series. It was a dream come true and I couldn’t wait to tell everyone. I picked up the phone to call Ben, because he was the first person I wanted to tell; that should have been the eye opener that I needed, but it didn’t immediately sink in. Chase called before I could dial Ben’s digits, which turned out to be the second amazing thing that happened on that day.
“I need your help.” Chase’s frazzled voice snapped me to attention. “The wedding is in five days and Gray insists on playing softball tonight. He says he’s ‘needed’ and can’t let the guys down. Oh my God, Xavier, what happens if he gets hit in the face with a ball? Can you just imagine the wedding pictures with my groom’s face sporting a black eye or a facial fracture? I can’t talk him out of playing, but I hope I can talk you into going with me to hold my hand and keep me calm.”
It would seem like such a small thing to anyone else, but to me it was huge. I was needed. Someone needed to lean on me and let me shoulder their burdens for once and there was no way I would let Chase down. I agreed to go with him and he picked me up around 6:30 that evening for the game.
“I’m equal parts nervous and excited,” he confessed while he maneuvered his vehicle down the road. “God, I don’t want his beautiful face all fucked up anytime, but especially not on our wedding day.”
“That covers the nervous part, so where does the excitement come in?” I was confused how he could be excited over the possibility that Gray might get scuffed up.
“I get to see my man in those tight baseball pants.” Chase’s face flushed red and he began to fan himself. “If it were left up to me he’d wear either baseball pants or nothing.”
“Glad to see you’re still just as smitten with him now as you were when you first met.” It gave me hope that maybe I could find that for myself one day, but I wasn’t about to confess that to Chase or he might start in on Ben.
“Ben also plays on Gray’s team.” Ah, there it was. I glanced over and he waggled his eyebrows at me.
“Should I tell Gray that you’ve been ogling Ben’s ass?”
