“I’m broken, Ben. You wouldn’t have let me inside your house, let alone your body, if you knew just how broken I am.” His body trembled beneath the hot spray and up until that point I had left a gap between our bodies to give him the space I thought he needed. I pressed my body against his, tucked his head beneath my chin, and wrapped my arms tightly around him. “You don’t deserve to be treated like this.” His hot breath puffed across my chest as he tried to pull himself together.
“Just hold onto me.” My words were firm, yet gentle; I wanted to soothe him, not bully him. Slowly, Xavier wrapped his arms around my waist. “I decide what I deserve and what I can and cannot handle, okay?” Xavier nodded slightly, his forehead barely moving against my collarbone. “Furthermore, you arenotbroken, Xavier. A broken man does not fight this goddamned hard against his inner demons; he gives in and allows them to consume him. You are not that man.”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about, Ben. You’ve probably never had a bad day in your whole fucking life. You’re the kind of guy I want to be, but can’t figure how to become.” His once relaxed body stiffened in agitation and he tried to take a step back, but my firm grip on his hips wouldn’t allow him to go far. “Don’t hold me against my will.” Xavier’s voice was nearly a snarl, one that I assumed came from a place of abject fear. “Never again will I allow myself to be a victim.”
It was then that I realized that Xavier’s scars went much further than I first suspected. I felt a rage boiling beneath my skin at the thought of someone holding him down and taking something from him that he didn’t want to give. I loosened my grip and was surprised when he chose not to step out of my embrace. I worked hard to keep my breathing even so not to give away the fury I felt on his behalf. I was afraid that he would think my anger was aimed at him.
I gently pulled his head up so he couldn’t hide his eyes from me; I needed him to not only hear me, but also see the sincerity behind the words. “I didn’t have the fairytale upbringing like you’ve pictured, Xavier, and I will gladly share my story with you anytime you want to hear it. But, deflecting the attention toward me isn’t going to help you tonight.” I dropped a quick kiss on his forehead. “I see beautiful where you see broken; I see strong where you see weak. I see a man who is loved by so many and it’s a shame he can’t love himself as much.”
“You don’t know me, Ben.” Xavier looked away in frustration. “You see a face you think is attractive and a body you want to fuck. You adore my sister and Chase and can’t imagine how I could be so fucked up when they’re so perfect. I appreciate your attempt at a pep talk, but you can put away your pom poms now.” His tongue practically dripped his disdain.
“There is no such thing as a perfect person, Chase and Ellie included. Ellie isnotperfect and Chase has more issues than a guest on Dr. Phil, yet I love them with all of my heart. We all make mistakes, Xavier. Don’t confuse my kindness and concern with a scheme to get you naked either. I find it really offensive.” My irritation over the situation was evident by my tone.
“Oh yeah?” Xavier’s sarcasm kicked up several notches. “What about your dick?”
“What about my dick?”
“It’s hard and primed to fuck.”
“Oh. Ignore him.” I glanced down and sure enough the rocket was ready to launch. “You’re wet, naked, and standing in my arms. He can’t help himself!” Xavier smiled crookedly at my explanation. “Listen, you’re deviating from the original topic again.” Xavier scowled at me, but I ignored him and said, “Youare notbroken or damaged goods. You’re a man who apparently has made some mistakes and paid dearly for them. You’re also a man who is trying to do everything in his power to atone for them and make a better life for himself. That is a person to be admired, not admonished. I’d like to think that Ideserveto be friends with that kind of man.”
“Ben.” All the fight left him and I once again held him tight against my body. “Friends is all I have to offer right now, despite how I behaved tonight. I was just so worked up after kickboxing class. Fuck! It felt so damn good to feel like I was taking control of my life. The adrenaline rush was better than any high, but what goes up must come down and the crash is fucking painful.” Xavier confessed a whole lot with just a few sentences, either by accident or design.
“I’m just going to say one more thing to you and then you’re going to let me take care of you tonight.” I saw the protest forming on his lips and hushed him. “By taking care of you, I mean that I’m going to help you clean up, let you borrow some clothes, and then I’m going to feed you before I send you home. That is what friends do for one another.” Xavier nodded reluctantly so I continued, “Talk to someone, Xavier. It doesn’t have to be a professional and it certainly doesn’t have to be me, but talk to someone about what you’ve gone through, or all this work on your recovery will be for nothing. Will you at least consider it?”
Xavier looked up at me and I saw so many emotions in his eyes. I saw fear, regret, and so much pain before I finally saw his determination. I was suddenly terrified that he was going to talk to me and I wouldn’t be strong enough to hear whatever he had to say.
“My ex-boyfriend nearly killed me in a jealous rage a few months ago.”
“MAYBE WE SHOULDdo this after you’ve had a chance to get dressed and get a bite to eat.” Ben was trying to hold it together for both of our sakes, but if I stopped I knew I wouldn’t start again.
“No. You said that I needed to talk to someone and you were right; I choose you. Please let me do this before I lose my courage.” Ben started to put some distance between us, but I pulled him back. He wrapped me up tight and I tucked my head beneath his chin. His strong arms made me feel safe and the steady rhythm of his beating heart brought me comfort. “Has Chase told you anything about my former band manager and ex-boyfriend, Damien?”
“No, Chase would never betray your trust.”
“A little over two years ago our original band manager retired and we hired Damien to take his place. Everything went really well at first; we couldn’t have asked for a better manager. He was great with promoters, vendors, our fans, and all of the band members. We just really gelled together and the band felt more like a family than a band,” I took a deep breath, thinking of how perfect things were in the beginning, “which said a lot, because we were already pretty tight. Things started to change within six months, but it was so gradual that no one really noticed until it was too late.” I tightened my hold on Ben before continuing.
“We all made a pact in the very beginning that no band member would have a personal relationship with any other member of the band, road crew, promoters, or management. Honestly, it was an easy thing for me to agree to until I met Damien. Fuck, he said and did all the right things, Ben, and I thought I was falling in love with him, but it was all a mirage. He saw how lonely I was and exploited it.” I took a shaky breath and Ben began to rub my back soothingly while I searched for the right words.
“Take your time.” Ben kissed the top of my head tenderly.
“Damien started taking over little things for me in the guise of caring for me and making life easier on me. He made me feel cherished and adored.” I shook my head at my own stupidity, “I was completely blinded by the fact that he was slowly controlling every aspect of my life - from the people I could hang out with, to when and where I ate, and what I wore. It makes me sound so fucking stupid when I hear myself telling this story out loud, like how could I have been so fucking blind to not see what was happening? But, I’m being completely honest when I say that it was so gradual that it felt normal by the time I looked to him for every single thing.
“My relationship with my bandmates deteriorated during this same time frame, because I had broken our pact when I began dating Damien. It didn’t help that Damien constantly whispered in my ear that I was the standout performer and that he could help me rise above my smalltime fame and get me a record deal. Fuck, I stupidly believed him and my ego grew to epic proportions. The guys staged an intervention and I blamed it on their jealousy over my greatness rather than the genuine concern that it was. It completely alienated me from my band and that was exactly what he wanted.” Ben continued to rub my back, giving me the strength I sought and needed to continue.
“Then Damien started to show his true colors. Gone was the man who claimed to love me and in his place was a jealous, possessive man who only wanted to own me by any means necessary.” I felt myself stiffen with anger. “He became verbally abusive and somehow convinced me that he was the best I could hope to have and most of the time I didn’t deserve him.” I repeated the same words Damien used to tell me, even using the same venom in my voice that he would use on me.
“My only bright spot was Deacon, who was part of the security staff. He saw what was happening and befriended me when Damien wasn’t around, which became more and more frequent when he was convinced he had me under his thumb. I knew I had to get out and Deacon promised to help me. I knew it was divine intervention when Chase called to say he and Gray were coming out to LA for business and asked if he could get tickets to a show. I knew that once again Chase was going to rescue me and he did.”
“What made you go back?” Ben’s voice held no recrimination, just curiosity. His hands slid into my hair and began massaging my scalp in circles with the perfect amount of pressure.
“The band kept calling me and putting pressure on me to return. I heard tales of them facing financial ruin if they couldn’t meet their concert obligations, which was true. I didn’t think about them for one single second while I planned my exit strategy with Deacon. I was selfish and the guys didn’t deserve how I treated them, because none of it was their fault. They knew I had seen the light about Damien and they got him to promise that things would be different and he would accept that our personal relationship was over. I stupidly fell for that one too, I should have insisted that Damien be fired before I returned.
“I had just spent a few months with Mr. and Mr. Happily Ever After who made constant kissy faces at each other, and fuck if I didn’t want that for myself. I got depressed and despondent in LA when I realized that I had been duped by the band and Damien. It took me all of ten friggin’ minutes to realize that Damien had pulled them over to his side while I was away.”
“How?” Ben asked. “If they warned you away from him then why not just try and find a replacement for you? There had to be hundreds of guys willing to audition for the open spot. So why would they warn you away from him and then help him reel you back in?”
“Drugs,” I replied emotionlessly. “My bandmates, who had dabbled in a little bit of pot and alcohol, became addicted to Ecstasy while I was here trying to get my shit together.” I took a shallow, trembling breath and could feel Ben tense around me. “I started taking E to forget about my shitty life about a month after I got to LA. I took E to get high and then smoked pot to bring myself down.”
