“I’m not available tomorrow night, but I am the night after if you really want me to go with you. Just let me know what time to be ready.”
It was a small victory, but one that I would happily claim. We didn’t chat for much longer and our goodbyes seemed a little awkward, but I didn’t care. I was certain I had made progress and if I had looked in the mirror I knew I would have seen the goofiest grin on my face. That grin remained on my face as I watched SportsCenter, read through my emails, and even when I fell asleep. It probably stayed on my face throughout my dreams.
I DIDN’T HAVEanother nightmare, but the new melody didn’t pay me a visit in my sleep either, so I woke with mixed feelings. I was grateful for a peaceful night of sleep without Damien haunting me, but was disappointed about the lack of music. I was certain that something would’ve broken free inside me after all the hours I played the piano at Saint C’s the day before, but nothing.
I shoved the disappointment aside and focused on the positives I had going for me. It seemed that no one was disappointed with my choice to go out west, except me. It reasoned that I could move on with my life and be happy if I could just find a way to forgive myself. So, that was what I decided to do as I jogged through the neighborhood in the cool morning air. I formulated a plan to start forgiving myself little by little. I would fight for the life I wanted, even if that meant fighting myself.
Ellie looked like a whole new person when I returned back to her house an hour later. The ER doc prescribed an anti-vomiting medicine and it seemed to be working. She sat at the kitchen table eating her oatmeal while the sun shone through the window and bathed her with its brilliant beams. She smiled at me as I entered the kitchen and poured myself a cup of coffee.
“You look so much better,” I told her while leaning against the counter. “Are the pills working?”
“They seem to be so far.” She got a faraway look in her eyes and smiled dreamily. “I’m going to be a mother,” she whispered as if it was just sinking in. “I knew I was pregnant, of course, but it didn’t seem real until I heard his or her heartbeat last night. I didn’t plan on ever having kids and didn’t think I wanted to be a mom until I thought I was having a miscarriage.” She focused her eyes back on mine and gave me a wobbly smile. “Thank you for being my rock last night, Xavier. I was scared out of my mind, but you gave me the strength I needed to stay calm.”
“You’ve always been my rock, Ellie, so I’m glad I was able to return the favor.” I walked to the table and dropped a kiss on the top of her crazy morning curls. “You’re going to be an amazing mother, Ellie. My little niece or nephew will be the luckiest baby to have you for a mom, because you were born to nurture and love. You’re not our parents nor will you ever be.”
“Thank you, Xavier. Maybe someday I will be saying these same words to you near the birth of your first child.”
“Who knows, maybe someday?” My words were said without conviction. It was hard for me to visualize a future with children in it. I had spent so much time on the road the last eight years that I didn’t give a family much consideration.Was a family in my cards?Only time would tell. “Do you need me to bring you home anything while I’m out? I’ll be gone most of the day, but I’ll have my phone near me at all times.”
“I’ll be fine, little brother. You go do what you need to do and don’t worry about me. I’m just going to lay around, watch some trashy daytime talk shows, and read a book. Oh, have you seen Gram’s new vampire cover? The main character on the book cover looks a whole lot like Gray.” Ellie giggled softly. “I’m sure Gray does plenty of sucking, but I bet it’s notbloodsucking.”
“Jesus, El, you’ve been hanging around Gram too much.” I burst into laughter over her bawdy words and waggling eyebrows.
“Your laughter is music to my ears, Xavier. You know, I’m not the only one who looks a hell of a lot better today. That must have been some phone call you had with Ben last night.” Ellie gave me a lecherous wink.
“It lasted ten minutes tops,” I said dismissively. “My mood today has nothing to do with Ben and everything to do with taking back my life and moving forward.” I looked at the time on the microwave and gratefully saw that it was time to get my ass in gear. “Oh, look at the time,” I said to Ellie, who shook her head in exasperation at my avoidance. Besides, I had somewhere important to be, I just hoped I could be the man everyone thought I was - the person I felt I was becoming with every positive step in my recovery.
“Hello Lindsey,” I said, shaking the small woman’s hand after Miss Annette introduced us in her office. “It’s nice to meet you. I asked Miss Annette if we could talk in her office before you introduce me to Max. I just want to make sure you’re comfortable with everything. In fact, I want you to sit in while I talk to your son.”
“Thank you, Xavier,” her relief was palpable. “It isn’t that I don’t trust Miss Annette’s judgment, but Max is all I have in this world and I can’t screw this up. I need him to be happy and healthy.”
“I completely understand and I just want to tell you that Max is so lucky to have you for a mom. I know this already and we just met less than five minutes ago. What kind of questions do you have for me?”
“I think I’m going to step out and give you guys some time to talk alone. Let me know when you want me to bring in Max.” Miss Annette patted me on the shoulder as she left the room.
“I have more concerns than I do questions,” Lindsey told me when we were alone. “I’m concerned about Max getting hurt at school if he chooses to wear feminine looking clothes in the fall. I worry about finding the right balance between allowing Max to discover himself and protecting him. Does that make sense to you?”
“It makes perfect sense, Lindsey. It would be completely abnormal for younotto worry about his safety and well-being. I’m not an expert on children, but I can tell you howIfelt when I was his age and wanted to wear my sister’s clothes.” Lindsey nodded so I told her how I had liked the textures and feel of girl’s clothes against my skin. I explained that I was fascinated by sparkly accessories and nail polish. “I never felt like I was a girl inside a boy’s body, but some kids do feel that way. That is what you need to determine about Max at some point. There is a lot of good literature out there to help parents with children who identify with a different gender than they were born with and it would be a good place to start.”
I knew that Lindsey had to be feeling overwhelmed, because I certainly was and Max wasn’t my son, but I knew that with the right information and the love I could clearly see on her face for her son that everything would work out fine. I would gladly be a willing listener for Lindsey if she wanted someone to talk to or confess her fears. My biggest fear when I was Max’s age was facing my father’s wrath, but Max wouldn’t know that fear. Not with a mother like Lindsey.
“That’s a good idea, Xavier. Thank you.” She blew out a breath. “When did you know that you were a gay boy who just liked to wear girl’s clothes occasionally? How will I know if Max identifies as a straight boy, gay boy, bi-sexual boy, or a girl?” Lindsey’s worry was evidenced in the frown lines on her forehead and the downturn tilt of her mouth.
“He’ll let you know when he knows,” I replied honestly. “I always knew I was different than most boys and I think it’s something that you inherently know, but I knew for sure that I liked boys on the first day of first grade when I laid eyes on Mr. Williams. I crushed so hard on him the entire year,” I said with a laugh.
“You must have gotten picked on in school though, right? How did you handle it?” The worry in her voice carried through to her eyes as she looked at me. It was obvious to me that Max getting bullied was one of her biggest concerns. She didn’t have to worry about bullying at Miss Annette’s preschool, but Lindsey logically was less confident about how Max would be treated once he started kindergarten. Not everyone was as kind and accepting as Miss Annette, who had a zero tolerance policy for bullying. If only there were more people like Miss Annette in the world.
“Gram signed me up for piano lessons and art classes so I had a healthy outlet for my anger and frustration over not fitting in, it was the best thing to ever happen to me. I love music more than life and I can’t imagine not having it in my life.”
“Thank you for your honesty, Xavier. Are you ready to meet Max?” I could see she felt lighter after our conversation and it made me feel really good inside.
“Definitely.”
Lindsey opened the door and motioned for Miss Annette to bring Max in. Lindsey stepped aside and lively little Max skipped into the classroom and stopped when he saw me sitting there. “Max, this is Xavier and I asked him to come and meet you today. Can you say hi?” Miss Annette asked as she kneeled down next to him, bringing herself down to his level to ease any discomfort he might have been feeling by having a stranger in the room with him.
Max looked at his mom, Miss Annette, and then finally locked his innocent eyes on me. “Hi Xavier,” he said softly.
“Hi Max.” I stuck my hand out and he hesitantly shook it. “I like your shirt.” I pointed to the light pink shirt with a unicorn and rainbow emblazoned on the front of it.
