“It’s so good to see you, you old broad. How the hell are you doing?”
“I’m doing great, Reggie. I’m still writing my books and living at the old folk’s home Chase and Xavier dumped me in.”
Reggie looked at me and then back and Gram. “Kids these days.” Reggie shook his head in exaggerated disappointment.
Gram lived in a posh retirement community by her own choice. Although, she liked to joke that Chase and I tricked her into the car by telling her we were going for an ice cream cone and then dropped her off at the curb of the old folk’s home instead and sped off. There was a reason why Gram was a successful writer; there was no end to her active imagination.
“It’s good to see you home, Xavier.” Reggie patted me on the back hard enough to dislocate something. It felt really good to be home, which is what I replied. “Do you both want your usual orders?” Gram and I said that we did so he returned to the kitchen to begin preparing our food.
“I’m happy to have breakfast with you anytime, Xavier, but I sense you have something that you want to get off your mind. All joking aside, I’m all ears for you my darling boy.”
I took a calming breath before I began. “Gram, I’m sorry that I’ve let you down.” I could tell she was going to interrupt and argue with me, but I really needed to say what was on my mind without interruption. I held up my hand to ward her off and continued. “You put all of that time, money, and energy into my musical education and I wasted your gift.” I saw fire light up her pale blue eyes and I knew I was quickly running out of time. “I had an amazing opportunity because of you and I carelessly tossed it aside to join a rock band. I’m not sure I can even call it that since we didn’t perform a single original song that any of us wrote.”
“Xavier.” Her voice held a hint of admonishment.
“Please let me finish, Gram. These things have been on my mind for quite some time now and I need to say them to you.”
“Okay, honey.” Gram’s compassionate gaze locked on me as reached across the table and squeezed my hand. “You talk and I’ll listen.” She gave me a slight nod to encourage me to continue.
“I’m sorry that I didn’t follow through with Julliard, Gram, because I might not have screwed up so badly if I had. I did things this past year that I’m not proud of and,” I had to pause to swallow around a lump in my throat, “I hate the person I let myself become. I’m working really hard to get back to me, but it’s going to take some time. My first step is apologizing to the people I’ve hurt and disappointed. I owe you everything, Gram, including my life. I’m so sorry that I’ve let you down.” I sat back and took a sip of my coffee when I was finished. The hot coffee warmed the chill that had seeped into my bones at the thought of disappointing Gram. I stared at my coffee cup, afraid of what I might see when I looked into her eyes.
“Xavier, may I speak now?” I slowly raised my head, looked her in the eyes, and nodded. “I do not want to hear such stupid talk come out of your mouth ever again. You do not owe me anything, do you hear me?” She didn’t pause for me to answer, just marched on full steam ahead. “You were not some charity case I took in off the street. You were a boy who desperately needed unconditional love and a safe place to live. I have admired you since you were five years old, Xavier.”
“Me?”
“Yes, you. You were strong enough to be yourself when the people you loved and trusted tried to beat it out of you. It took a lot of courage for you to ask for that princess party, Xavier. You were a warrior then and you’re a warrior now. I knew it then and I know it now, so does everyone else. I can’t wait for the day whenyoufinally realize that. You’ll sort through whatever you’re going through and come out on the other side stronger than ever, baby doll.”
“Thanks, Gram.”
“Still not finished,” she sing-songed. “I encouraged you to forge your own path and march to your own beat from day one, didn’t I?” I nodded my agreement. “Why then would you expect me to be upset when you chose your own path, one that was different than whatyour teacherschose for you, notI?”
“You paid so much money to send me to that private school and I didn’t use any of the skills they taught me while I was in the band.”
“Xavier,” Gram’s voice was full of exasperation when she lightly smacked the table in front of her. “I’ve seen your performances and you most certainly did use the knowledge you received from attending Saint Cecelia’s. I saw you play the guitar and piano beautifully, not to mention your amazing stage presence. Honey, I was just as proud of your rock performances as I would have been of any orchestra symphony performances. To be perfectly honest, I would have much rather watched your band over an orchestra.”
“Really?”
“Have I ever lied to you, Xavier?” She looked at me in disbelief.
“No, Gram, you haven’t.”
“I’m not going to start lying to you now.” She reached over and patted my cheek. “All I’ve ever wanted was for you to be happy, Xavier - then, now, and in the future.” The waitress interrupted her by bringing our food to our table. “Speaking of happy, I heard that you left the bachelor party with Ben the other night.”
“Gram.” My voice held a warning that I did not want to go there with her, but when the hell had that ever stopped her? Just hearing Ben’s name had me reliving the events of the previous night. I dropped my eyes to my plate while I buttered and poured syrup on my pancakes. I had hoped to avoid eye contact with her until I had my reactions to the memories under control. The last thing I needed was her meddling in my love life.
“Come on, Xavier, I’m not blind. Ben St. Claire has a pair of cock sucking lips, the likes I’ve never seen before. He has those chiseled cheekbones, square jaw, and that strong throat that you just know can work a man deep.”
I had started to eat in an attempt to dissuade her from talking, but that blew up in my face, as a hunk of pancake got lodged in my throat when she blurted out the bit about Ben’s cock sucking equipment. I, of course, had firsthand knowledge of his skills and couldn’t agree with her more - not that I was going to verbalize my thoughts out loud. I finally worked the pancake down my throat while she kept going on about Ben’s attributes. I listened to her go on about his ass, his hands, and his long legs. Jesus, I noticed all of those things too, but I couldn’t allow myself to focus on them until I felt whole again, which is what I told her.
“Nothing makes you feel grateful to be alive like a mind-blowing orgasm, but I’m betting you know that by the redness of your face. I’m not judging you, Xavier. Au contraire, I’m feeling really proud of you for living a little.”
“Gram, nothing will come out of it.” I wasn’t sure who I was trying to convince - Gram or me - with my statement. I had this ugly internal battle going on where Ben was concerned. I wanted him, but didn’t want to. I wanted him to want me, but I was afraid to hope. What happened if I took a chance and he turned away from me when he found out about the drug abuse? I didn’t think I could handle that kind of rejection at that juncture.
“I’ve had a built-in bullshit meter my entire life, but it seems what I really need is a maudlin meter.” Gram threw up her hands in the air. “Listen to a wise old woman, kiddo. We only have one life to live so you might as well live it to the fullest. If Ben is what you want then Ben is who you go after.”
“Gram, I don’t want him.”Liar!
“Wrong, Xavier. I see the truth in your eyes. You don’twantto want him and you don’t think you deserve him, which is not the same thing as not wanting him altogether.” She narrowed her eyes and pointed a finger at me. “Fix whatever needs fixing, but don’t let a great thing slip through your fingers because you’re afraid. You need to channel that five year old boy who bravely asked for a princess party for his sixth birthday no matter how many times he’d been told it wasn’t right for him to feel that way. That little boy wasn’t afraid then and the wonderful man he’s become shouldn’t be afraid now.”
