GUILT ATE AT MYguts the entire day I had avoided Noah and his house. I knew that Mack would hand him a business card and he’d see my name on it.What must he think of me? A coward?I told myself I was giving him time to prepare for seeing me again, but I was the one who really needed the extra time. He would want an explanation as to why I disappeared off the face of the earth and I needed to come up with a story, because the truth wasn’t something I was willing to share with him or anyone.
Guilt wasn’t the only emotion I felt either. I felt a bone-deep curiosity about Noah and how he looked as an adult. Were his eyes really as blue-green as I remembered or did I enhance them in my mind? Had he grown taller like me? Did he fall in love and get married? Have kids? I learned that he had arrived only with his dog, but maybe his boyfriend or husband couldn’t get away on such short notice. The questions kept coming until I couldn’t take it anymore.
I actually stood in front of my closet for several minutes while trying to determine what to wear. I debated on a pair of khakis and a nice shirt until I realized how fucking stupid I was being. I didn’t need to try and impress him; this wasn’t an attempt to win him back. I shut my closet door in frustration, stomped over to my dresser, and pulled out the first t-shirt and pair of jeans I found. I got dressed without giving my clothes another thought until I fired up my Harley and headed to Noah’s house.
I had picked my oldest pair of jeans that were so faded they were nearly white and sported enough holes to make my trip a little breezy. These were the jeans I’d often wear commando when I was on the prowl in Charlotte looking for a night of hot, raunchy sex. Men seemed to love to slide a finger inside one of the holes to touch my skin. The hole just beneath my right front pocket was often their favorite, and mine, because they could easily tease my erection with their searching finger. At least that night I had put on a pair of underwear before sliding into my “fuck me” jeans.
The t-shirt I grabbed must have been an older one too, because it felt a size too small. It had the “painted on” feel to it, which made me look like I was trying too hard to be sexy. If I turned back around to change, then I’d lose my nerve so I just pressed on – well, roared on.
A sleek Audi sedan was parked in the driveway letting me know that Noah was home. I wasted no time getting off my bike and walking to the front door. I raised my hand to knock when I heard the sound of a dog barking playfully in the distance. It was coming from around back so I followed the sounds until I found man and dog.
Noah was standing waist high in the water with his back towards me. He was throwing a tennis ball into the water and cheering on his dog while she retrieved it. “Atta girl, Madge. That’s daddy’s good girl.”Madge?I suddenly remembered how much Noah loved Madonna and I smiled at the name he chose for his dog; certain it wasn’t a coincidence.
I sat down on the porch steps and watched them play together for what seemed like hours. I could’ve called out to them and made my presence known, but instead I chose to observe. The memories I tried so hard to repress came rushing back at me, one right after the other, and it left me feeling dizzy. I closed my eyes and tried to will away the agony of loss that accompanied my memories. I had just about gotten myself together when Noah walked out of the water like some beautiful mythic God.
Even in the fading sun, I could see how perfectly his tall body was sculpted. I was jealous of the water that cascaded off of his body and I itched to run my hands over his lean muscles. Man and beast shook off the water and then flopped on a towel to look at the ocean. Did the water still make him feel small and insignificant? He often said that when we were kids.
I never thought of him as insignificant and I always told him so. The various smiles that he would give me flashed through my mind. First there was the gap tooth smile at age seven, then there was his brace face smile at ages eleven through thirteen, finally there was the prettiest smile I had ever seen once his braces were removed. I loved each and every one of the smiles he gave me and I had sorely missed his sunny disposition during the years I had been without him.
It wasn’t long before Noah and Madge headed back to the house. I stood up then, because I didn’t want to make it too obvious that I had been spying on him for so long. By this time, dusk has started to fall so I was sure that I wasn’t much more than a silhouette on his porch. Still, I knew the moment his eyes met mine in the semi-darkness that he knew who I was. Madge’s fur stood up on her back, but Noah reached out and placed a calming hand on her head.
Did the heart have a memory? If so, it had a very long one and my heart thumped to a staccato beat that it only played for him. I was starting to sound like some sappy-ass line in a cheesy-as-fuck soap opera, which annoyed the hell out of me. I felt his eyes on me, sizing me up, and possibly judging me. Did I measure up to his expectations?
He stood in front of me and looked into my eyes searchingly. His eyes were exactly as I remembered them, a unique mix of blues and greens. He offered me a timid smile before he said, “Hello, Mav.” His voice was a lot deeper than it had been at sixteen and I couldn’t help but want to know the sounds the adult version of Noah made when he was turned on.
My heart wasn’t the only part of me that had a long memory. My dick began to rise at his nearness and it took everything in my willpower to control the urge to grab him up and kiss him. My dick should’ve been exhausted from the paces that I put it through the past weekend. Standing in front of Noah, I felt guilty for my weekend activities, but couldn’t understand why. I didn’t owe him anything and I was positive that a man who looked like Noah got plenty of his own action. Still…
I knew that it was him I searched for in every club or bar. I pretended that every blond-haired, light-eyed guy I fucked was him, but nothing and no one ever quenched the thirst I had to feel the things that Noah made me feel. Instead of being happy that he was in front of me again, I was angry. I had worked so hard to forget this guy except for the moment I had my dick buried inside someone else. Then I would imagine and pretend that it was Noah. With one look and two simple words from him, all of my hard work was in jeopardy of crumbling.
“Did you really name your dog after Madonna?”After twenty-two years, that was how I chose to greet him?Not “hello” or “it’s good to see you.”
He threw his head back and laughed before he aimed his megawatt smile at me. “Caught that did you?” His smile was infectious and eased some of the tension in my body. “I’m surprised you remember that.”
“It came back to me when you called her name.”
He tilted his head slightly – another trait he still had – and smiled wryly. “Funny how the brain works sometimes.” He looked at the back door and I wondered if he was going to keep our conversation out here or invite me inside. “You want to come in and catch up for a bit?”
“Sure.” I aimed for a casual response and was pleased with my result. I needed to keep my mind out of the gutter and realize that an invitation inside didn’t mean to his bed. I was doing good until he spoke again.
“Come on in and make yourself comfortable. I just need to change out of these trunks really quick.” He walked around me and headed up the steps with his dog on his heels. I watched the play of muscles in his arms and torso when he leaned over to give the dog a good rubdown with his beach towel. Madge growled playfully and decided to play tug of war.
I tried to be really good and just watch the play between them, but my eyes kept wandering to his swim trunks and the way they clung to his long legs and his package between them. Noah cleared his throat and only then did I realize he had stopped playing with the dog. I had been caught ogling his goods and wasn’t sure how I felt about it. I slowly shifted my gaze up his body until I reached his eyes.
Desire flared in his eyes and I automatically stepped toward him. How could I not when I saw the same need and want in his eyes that I knew burned in my own? My movement seemed to snap him out of his haze, because he shook his head and stepped back from me. His rejection hurt, but I understood why. What kind of man had I become that I’d just show up after twenty-two years and expect to pick up where we left off? Did I actually think he’d welcome me back with open arms and we’d fall onto his bed like nothing ever happened?
“Um yeah, I’m just going to head on upstairs to change clothes.” He gestured to the refrigerator. “Help yourself to something to drink. I brought some bottled water and soda with me, but I won’t have anything stronger until after I do some grocery shopping.” He was rambling nervously, which eased the sting of the rejection. He wasn’t immune to me; he was being cautious.Could I blame him?
I helped myself to a bottle of water and waited for him in the living room. I sat down on the pale gray sofa and mentally kicked my ass for the way I acted toward him. This was Noah, not some random hookup. Besides, he had a life somewhere else and it wouldn’t be wise to start something that would only make it harder when he left. I felt a sharp stabbing pain in my chest over the thought of him leaving, even though I didn’t have the right.
“I’m back,” he said as he trudged into the room and sat in the chair next to the couch. I noticed he still tucked one leg beneath him just as he did when he was younger. We studied each other for several moments and I figured he was cataloging the things about me that had stayed the same and those that had changed just like I was doing with him. “I like your longer hair; it makes you look a bit like a pirate.”
I had images of him grabbing onto the long strands while I worked his cock with my mouth. Images and sounds from years gone past resurfaced and tugged at my groin. I had to get my mind off of sex and onto the reason I stopped by. My line of thinking was only going to cause me trouble.
“You always had a thing for pirates,” I said out of nowhere.
“Guilty.” His crooked smile put me at ease once again. “It seems a little bit surreal to be sitting here with you like this.” Noah never shied away from saying what was on his mind. “I used to think up all the things I wanted to say to you after you disappeared, but I can’t think of a single one of them now that I have you in front of me.”
“It was never my choice to disappear.” My voice came off as bitter sounding, defensive even. Noah flinched slightly and I focused on lightening my tone. “I had planned on coming back the next morning and saying goodbye like I always did, but it wasn’t possible.”
