“Stay, Mav. Please stay.” He shook in my arms, but I couldn’t do anything to help him until he told me what was wrong with him. “I remembered more things. Well, I dreamed of them, so I’m not sure if they’re true or just a figment of my imagination.” He pulled back and looked up at me; the sight broke my heart. “I need you to be completely honest with me. No holding back because you think you’re protecting me.”
“Okay. I promise.”
“Did your dad really take you to a conversion camp when you were sixteen? The night he found you sneaking home after being with me?”
I promised to tell him the truth, so I wouldn’t lie no matter how much I wanted those memories to never return. It didn’t matter, because he saw the truth in my eyes. Noah bit his bottom lip in attempt to keep them from trembling.
“I need you to tell me, Mav. My dreams were dark and terrifying. I kept seeing you being hurt or starved and I…”
I did not want to rehash the miserable time I spent at that fucking camp again, but I’d do it for him. I feared that his dreams were far worse than the reality. I didn’t ever trivialize what I went through, but I also knew that other kids had suffered a much worse fate than I. For Noah, the person who had been holding my heart in the palm of his hand for decades, I would relive it.
We sat on the cold, uncomfortable bathroom floor and I told him everything all over again and left nothing out. It was just as hard for him to hear my story as it was the first time. When I was done, I cupped his chin and tilted his head back so he could look into my eyes.
“They could have made me attend prayer twenty times a day, forced me to watch films showing the dangers of a homosexual life around the clock, and starved me, but they would never have been able to eradicate the love I had for you in my heart. Never. My will to love you was stronger than theirs to convert me. I learned really quickly to play their game and tell them what they wanted to hear. They told my parents that I was a ‘success story’ and they should be proud of me.” My laughter that followed the statement was derisive, not joyous. “I knew I just had to bide my time before I could escape them once and for all.”
“You never blamed me?” His voice sounded small and insecure to me.
“Never! Blame you for loving me and making me happy? They were the ones in the wrong, Noah, and even I knew that at sixteen years old.” I pressed my lips to his and held him tight. “All that matters is that we’re together now – not how long it took us to find each other again or the reasons it happened.”
“I planned to volunteer at an LGBT center, right?”
“You did – will,” I amended. “First you need to heal and then we’ll both volunteer. I can help them work out emotions through art and you can counsel them. We can make a difference.” He looked like he was awed by me, but I couldn’t figure out why. I survived, but I didn’t flourish. Noah flourished and became the guy I knew he’d be. Noah made me want to be a better man, to reach my full potential in life and not just have a so-so existence.
Noah was starting to droop again so I led us back to bed and turned off the lantern. We mirrored the exact same position as the one earlier. I was starting to drift back to sleep when his words snapped me back awake.
“Did I really tell you I was a slutty boy?” I laughed then, I couldn’t help it. Instead of being angry or hurt, Noah laughed with me. “Did I?” He dug his fingers in my ribs making me laugh harder. “Tell me what happened. I want to fall asleep with happy thoughts on my mind.”
I started out telling him about our first date and the way I tried to be all adult-like, but then I ended up showing him how the night went. He wanted to fall asleep to happy thoughts and I was more than willing to oblige my guy.
