IHAD BEEN FEELINGlike Jekyll and Hyde for weeks with my emotions all over the damn place. It was a nauseating roller coaster of crazy twists, jagged turns, and gut-wrenching drops through a theme park in hell. I had been in bad sorts and the people I cared the most about – my crew, Roxie, and Betty Jean – were giving me a wide berth. Well, not Roxie. She never backed away from a challenge or an asshole, as she referred to me almost daily the past few weeks.
I wasn’t being fair or reasonable to anyone, especially Noah. It had to be much harder to move here than I imagined. It sounded so easy, find a new job and move. Noah was concerned about his existing patients and I should’ve found that quality more endearing, not scary. I had come to those conclusions on my own after making myself miserable, and probably Noah too.
He appeared in the garage that day like a gift dropped down from the heavens. The joy in his eyes when they looked at me, the beautiful smile, and the way he held me so tight against him was all the proof that I needed that he was invested in giving our relationship an honest try. How could I have doubted him?
Noah wore that same loving look when he met me at the front door when I arrived for dinner that night. Madge stood beside him on the porch and they made a beautiful picture, one I wanted to see every single day. I committed it to memory so I could pull it out when I got down again about the distance between us. A life with him was my end goal and there was no sacrifice too great to achieve it.
“Hi, handsome.” Noah said as I walked up the steps.
His eyes searched my face before looking into my eyes. I know he saw the exhaustion I had been feeling. It would’ve been obvious to the most clueless of people, let alone a trained psychiatrist. I had to find a better way of dealing with disappointments and understand that a few setbacks didn’t mean the end for us. I had to have faith in Noah, in us.
My response to his greeting was a warm, wet kiss. He melted against me and my body came alive, humming and vibrating from his proximity. The combined scent of soap and man penetrated my senses and made me want to kiss him from head to toe.
“How long until dinner?” I asked after our kiss broke. I didn’t even try to disguise my need for him.
“There’s not enough time for a proper hello before it’s ready.” He linked his fingers with mine and pulled me in the house behind him. “We have time to suck face like a couple of horny teenagers though, while the ribs are smoking out back.”
I took him up on his offer by pushing him against the kitchen table. He sat down of the edge of the table in attempt to keep his balance. I took advantage of the change in height to thread my hands through his hair and tip his head back so I could tickle his neck with my beard and then ravish his mouth. Everything about Noah made my heart soar and sent blood rushing through my veins, but his kisses took me to the next level. I craved the feel of his lips against mine and the taste of him on my tongue. I slowly explored his mouth, loving the feel of the slick glide of our tongues together.
A timer went off in the kitchen signaling that some portion of dinner needed Noah’s attention. I slowly sucked on his tongue as I pulled back to break our kiss. When I opened my eyes, I saw that Noah’s pupils had blown and dinner was no longer on his mind. We always had that effect on each other and I figured we probably always would.
“Feed me, Noah.” I meant more than food. I needed to feast on the way he made me feel, gorge myself on the light and happiness he brought into my life. I stepped aside to let him off the table and smiled as he stood on shaky legs.
Dinner was delicious and we kept the conversation light throughout, but there was an underlying feeling that a more serious conversation would be had before the night was over. As a dude, talking wasn’t something I wanted to do on most occasions, especially after being apart from Noah for weeks, but there were times it was needed. That night was definitely one of those times.
“My laptop wasn’t really acting up,” I confessed after I helped Noah clear off the dinner dishes.
“I know,” was his only response to my confession. He didn’t ask me why or press for more information. He patiently waited for me to explain in my own way and at my own pace.
I blew out a deep breath and gave him the explanation that he deserved. “I took the delay of your trip home harder than I let on. I let disappointment grow into doubt and it wreaked some havoc, especially in regard to sleep.” I saw the sorrow my words caused him and I moved quickly to make him understand that none of it was his fault. I pulled him to me and rested my forehead against his. I closed my eyes and just breathed in his nearness.
“Noah, you’re not responsible for my reactions or the way I let doubt creep in and wreck something beautiful we’re trying to build together. It was completely selfish of me to act the way I did and I don’t want to be that guy. I don’t want to put pressure on you or make you feel bad when or if this happens again. I need to find a healthier way to beat back my demons.”
“I need to try harder too, Mav.” I shook my head, but he stopped me with a quick kiss to my lips. “I do. I’ve not done much beside talk about moving my life here and I need to show you how serious I am. I’m going to do it. There will be setbacks and delays, Maverick, but Iamcommitted to us.”
“People are going to think we’re nuts, Noah. Here we are rushing forward like we’ve been dating for years. You’re going to completely uproot your life for me after only being reacquainted with me for slightly more than a month. To the outside world…”
“I don’t care what anyone thinks about us, Maverick. We know what’s right for us. Only we know how complete we make one another feel. We’re like a lock and key, Mav; engineered differently, but function beautifully together to serve a purpose. What good is a lock without a key and vice versa? That’s how I feel about us. Yes, I can function and exist without you, but I’m only half of the man I am when I’m with you.”
“You have beautiful words, Doc.” I wasn’t a word wizard, but I did express my feelings in different ways. “Are you ready for your surprise?”
“Yes!” Noah’s enthusiasm never failed to make me smile.
I left him in the kitchen to do a quick check to make sure everything was just as I wanted it. I worked fast, because I knew his curiosity would get the best of him and he’d be unable to resist following me. Once finished, I returned to the kitchen and slid my fingers between his and led him up to the third floor attic.
“Close your eyes and keep them closed until I tell you to open them.” Noah grinned like a fool, but did as he was told.
“Did you turn the attic into a sex room, Boss69?” His playful banter eased my nerves at exposing myself to Noah in the form of my art, but I felt it was the only way to truly show him the impact he’d always had on my life.
My answer was a swift pat on the ass that earned me a hearty laugh. “Keep them closed.” I guided Noah into the center of the room and left him long enough to select a song on my IPhone and set it in the dock. I stepped up behind him, wrapped my arms around him, and pressed my lips to his ear as the opening guitar strands of Chris Isaak’s “Wicked Game” began to play. “Do you remember this song?” I asked.
“God, yes.” Our bodies began to sway from side to side with the music. “We played this on an endless loop as we sucked face that first summer we gave in and shared our first kiss.”
“Open your eyes, Noah.” I couldn’t keep the emotion out of my voice. I watched as he slowly opened his eyes. I knew the moment his brain caught up to what he was seeing.
I had strung hundreds of white Christmas lights through the rafters, they bathed the room in lighting that was just bright enough to illuminate the paintings below but not so harsh it ruined the romantic mood I wanted. I had set them out in chronological order of the events that inspired the paintings. The first one was of our first kiss shared between blowing sheets on the clothes lines.
Noah covered his mouth with his hand and let out a soft gasp. He broke free from the circle of my arms and walked over to the first painting. I stood rooted to the same spot and watched as he slowly reached out and traced his finger over one of the sheets that were blowing in the wind. I didn’t need to see the expression on his face to know how affected he was by the painting.
