ILEFT NOAH’S PLACEfeeling more shaken than I showed. Macy and her boys showing up unexpectedly saved me from doing something really stupid. I would’ve taken Noah and damned the consequences, because I wanted him so fucking bad. I had tried in vain to find someone who could make me feel as alive as he once did. I finally had him back in my arms and I wouldn’t have stopped unless he asked me to, but Noah made it clear he didn’t want to stop. I could’ve spent my entire night between his long legs and wrapped up in his arms, but where exactly would that have gotten me when he returned to his life?
I wasn’t foolish enough to think that Noah would be willing to uproot his life to be with a guy he didn’t know; there was no part of the boy he knew left inside of me. Noah might have thought my sudden disappearance from his life didn’t affect me, but he was wrong. That night influenced every decision I made for over a decade until I quit hiding and pretending.
It didn’t surprise me that Noah had gone into psychiatry. As kids, he always wanted to know the inner workings of everything and he had a kind, compassionate soul. I only saw kindness and compassion from another human three months out of every year from the age seven to sixteen. It was no wonder to me why memories of Noah had become the beacon of light and hope when my world had turned so dark.
I shook off my dark thoughts once I got back to my apartment. I had added my own touch to the place since I moved in and it had become my haven. The biggest change was the addition of a large terrarium that I used to create a natural looking environment for my bearded dragon, Ozzy. I would’ve loved to have a dog like Madge, but my work kept me away from home too long. I fed Ozzy his insects each morning, his veggies at night, and during the day he climbed on his rocks and tree logs. I fed Ozzy a mix of cabbage, butternut squash, and carrots before I headed to the spare bedroom I used as a studio.
The ride from Noah’s house to my apartment was only a few minutes, yet the stress from my riotous thoughts had taken their toll on my body. My head ached so bad it felt like my brain was going to split in two from the barrage of memories – both good and bad – besieging me. My body demanded that I go back to him and give in to what we both wanted, while my brain cautioned that I’d only cause myself more harm in the long run. My heart wanted what it always had – Noah.
Only one thing helped me quiet my mutinous thoughts. I flipped on the lights, turned on some music, and laid out my paints and brushes so I could lose myself in my painting. I don’t know how many hours passed as I stood there focusing every thought on color, texture, and brush strokes. I didn’t even have a preconceived idea of what I wanted to paint; I had decided to just put brush to canvas and see where it took me. I didn’t notice any aches in my back or arms until the last stroke was completed. I stood back and stared at my creation.
This painting was one derived straight from my heart. Two teenage boys – one light, one dark – stood hidden between billowing white bedsheets that hung on clotheslines and shared their very first kiss. They were hidden from the world momentarily and were wrapped in the excitement and nervousness of young love. My hand that held the paintbrush shook just like it did when I was thirteen and pressed my hand to Noah’s cheek once our kiss broke.
My lungs started to burn and I realized I had been holding my breath as I looked at my painting. I remembered how my lips tingled and my heart pounded in my chest from a quick press of our lips together. Did everyone recall their first kiss as vividly as I did? Or, did mine stand out so starkly because of what came later when my world was turned upside down because I had dared to love a boy?
Exhaustion seeped into my bones and I only paused long enough to clean my brushes before I went to bed. It wouldn’t be the first or last time I’d wake up the next morning with paint smeared on my sheets. I should’ve known that my evil dreams would reappear that night; I should’ve been prepared when fear wrapped its icy fingers around my throat and squeezed until I woke up choking.
I checked the clock once my heart and lungs returned to normal functions and saw that it was only 5:30 a.m. I could try to go back to sleep for a few more hours, but I had a feeling that I’d feel even worse if I did. Instead, I threw off the covers and got dressed in workout gear. I lifted weights for an hour and then went for a run on the beach when the sun came up.
I saw them before they saw me. Madge barked and leaped along the shoreline, while her sexy owner jogged alongside her. Noah laughed as she pulled a piece of driftwood out of the tide and ran to him with her treasure. He stopped to scratch her ears and praise her. Madge noticed me first and launched herself in my direction. Noah gave chase at first, thinking that she was playing, but then his eyes met mine and he slowed to a jog.
“You run here often?” I smiled at his joke, because I couldn’t quite find a response when my eyes were locked on his sweaty, naked torso and then further south where his shorts clung to… “My eyes are up here, big guy,” he said saucily and snapped his fingers.
I jerked my gaze to his and found him smiling at me. Once he had my attention, he took his time raking his eyes over my body too. I wore a tank top that morning so he had to use his imagination about what I hid beneath. I watched his pouty lips part as he breathed a little faster. It would’ve been so easy to pull him to me and kiss him like we hadn’t lost decades, but we had, and so much had changed. That didn’t mean my body wouldn’t betray just how much it liked his interest.
He was smiling seductively when he looked into my eyes again and I wouldn’t have been able to resist him had he made a move. Instead, he cocked his head to the side and asked, “Well, do you run here often?”
“Now and then.” It depended on how hard the demons were chasing me and that particular morning they were right on my heels. I would’ve asked if he ran a lot, but it was pretty obvious by his stride and form that he was a frequent runner.
“If you ever want a running buddy…”
He was offering so much more than a run up and down the beach. His eyes were inviting me to shower with him afterwards before we worked in other methods of cardio. Fuck, I wanted to take him up on all the things he offered me. “Does that mean you’re planning to stick around for a while then?”
“I’ve decided to stay a few weeks and then see what happens.” What exactly did he mean by “see what happens?” Was he talking about us? His answer reassured me that I had made the right decision the previous night when I left his house instead of staying. “What do grownups do around here to have fun?”
“There’s not much of a nightlife here, Noah. It will probably seem boring to you after living in D.C.” Another reason I shouldn’t get too close to him. I built a good life in Beaufort and was content for the first time in many years. I had no intention of leaving.
“Maybe I’ll still be around the next time you go to Charlotte and I can go with you.” He had no fucking clue what he was asking for, but that didn’t stop my dirty mind from picturing him beneath me, on top of me, or inside of me after a night on the town.
“You want to be my wingman?” Maybe it was cruel, because my question was met with a deep scowl. Was he jealous over thoughts of me with other men? It would make me crazy to see him with someone else. Hearing that he shared his home, his bed, and his life with another man was torture. It took everything I had not to tell him to shut up the night before even though he was only answering my questions about Justin.
“That wasn’t what I meant,” Noah replied after an awkward pause. “I thought maybe I’d like to know more about you, but perhaps there are things I’m not ready to know. I keep thinking of you as my Maverick, but you’re not really mine anymore.” I would always be his, even if the Maverick that stood before him was a shell of the person he used to be. Noah was the only one I let get close enough to touch my heart.
He had no idea the mark he left on me and I was unable to find the words to tell him. The best thing for me was to keep him at a safe distance, but instead I said, “There are all kinds of water sports, beach volleyball tournaments, and there’s a new pub that I hear serves amazing seafood.” I would take whatever he could give me and tuck it away with all my other cherished memories when he left. “We could check it out if you want.”
A sweet smile replaced the scowl. “I want.” I was pretty sure I knew what he really wanted, what we both wanted. I also had a strong feeling we were both going to get it. My resistance to his charms would only last so long.
“Yeah, right.” Thirteen-year old Dante didn’t sound very convinced of whatever story Noah was telling him while he swept up the debris left over from tearing out the damaged floor.
“I’m serious, Dante.” Noah sounded so earnest that I couldn’t help but be curious about their conversation. I stayed around the corner so that I didn’t interrupt them.
“You’re telling me that this ghost, Elijah, isn’t a mean ghost and that he only scared the f-u-dge out of us because we damaged his home.” I snickered silently at the kid’s attempt to cover his foul language.
“That his lover built for him,” Noah amended.
“She must have been rich,” the fifteen-year older brother, Hunter said.
“Hewas rich,” Noah corrected.This ought to be good,I had thought to myself.
