“Look at me.” I pointed at the blissed-out expression I knew I wore. “Do I look displeased to you?”
“You look pretty satisfied.”
“I am thrilled with every aspect of our relationship, Jag.” I ran my hand over his heart while I searched for the right words to say. “Do you know how much it means that you’ve given your heart to me?” He shook his head. “No one, and I mean this, matters as much to me as you do.”
“You had me at hello, Bones.”
I woke up the next morning eager to take on a new day. I stretched and reveled in the delicious soreness I felt in my backside. I wasn’t in any pain, but I’d be feeling Jag’s possession all day if not longer. I headed downstairs and poured myself a cup of coffee. I had just sat down at the kitchen table when Jag came into the room with a scowl on his face.
“What’s the matter?”
“It’s all over Baxter’s social media sites.” He spat his words angrily.
“The dig?” I couldn’t imagine why he’d be so angry, then I remembered all those pictures of the senator standing with his arm around me. “Oh.”
“Yeah. You’re practically engaged.” He handed me his phone that showed hundreds of comments beneath a picture Baxter had posted on his Facebook page.Most of them referred to me as “the new boyfriend.”
“Oh, come on.” I yelled loud enough to scare Indy under the table. “Where’d they get that?” Then Jag flipped through the rest of the photos posted to the senator’s page. They were of the two of us smiling at each other. I could see how someone would misinterpret my joy of discovering artifacts as infatuation with the senator. “Fuck! My name is even listed in the caption.”
“Yep. Gay men everywhere are crying over the loss of the hottest bachelor in the United States.” I looked at him incredulously, then he showed me the comments that were being plastered all over Twitter, and I saw he was actually quoting them verbatim.
“You’ve got to be kidding me! I’m sorry, Jag. I’m sure this will all blow over soon. Surely, Thompson will deny the relationship to the media.”
“That’s where you’re wrong, Bones.” He ran a hand through his hair in a sign of agitation. “According to a source close to the senator, he said it was too early in the relationship to discuss details.” Jag read that line from an online tabloid.
“Relationship? What relationship?”
“You should’ve known he was up to something when his hands were all over you the way they were.”He was blaming me?
“So this is my fault? I apologized for the way I acted, and you accepted my apology, or at least I thought you did when you pounded the hell out of my ass last night. Now, you’re mad at me because strangers are jumping to conclusions on social media. I understand being frustrated…”
“How would you feel if the situation were reversed? It’s humiliating that our friends and your family might see and hear these things.”
“So this is about you? What about me? My face and name are smeared all over the internet, and you’re worried about what people will think about you?”
“You’d be just as angry, and you damn well know it.” Jag’s voice was growing louder with anger.
I pointed to the online photos and said, “These images were all taken out of context and can easily be explained.”
“You’re not getting the point, Miller.” He hardly ever called me by my given name. “I would never have disrespected you the way that you did. Yes, you apologized for your behavior, and I accepted your apology. Seeing these images first thing in the morning made me remember the seven or eight hours of misery yesterday. I guess I’m not ready to accept your apology after all. I’m going home to be by myself for a little bit.”
“Jag…”
“Please, just give me some space.”
He left without kissing me goodbye, and we barely spoke to each other at the Wrights’ unless it was to snipe at one another. He didn’t come over to my house that night nor did he invite me home with him. My phone calls and text messages were ignored for several days. I was miserable without him in my life. I had hurt his feelings and his pride, but I had no clue how to make it right. I had done all I could, and our fate was in Jag’s hands. All I could only do was hope that he missed me as much as I ached for him and that he would reach out to me and let me try to fix what I had inadvertently broken.
JJ
Iwas fully aware my actions were unreasonable and hurtful, yet I felt powerless to stop myself. I replayed all of Miller’s voicemail message just so I could hear his voice. I read every pleading text message multiple times each day. Still, I didn’t reply. I couldn’t. I tried. I honestly did. I would pick up my phone to call or text him, and I’d see another Google alert that Miller and Baxter were being discussed again, and I just couldn’t take it. I should never have set up the alerts in the first place because all it did was make me physically ill. I thought the rumors of their romance would fade, but they didn’t.
Every insecure thought I ever had about myself taunted me day and night. How could Miller want me over Baxter who could give him the world? I hated how good they looked together in those photos. I licked my wounds in miserable silence for more than a week, aching for Miller every second of the day.
One morning, I woke up and decided enough was enough. The only thing I was accomplishing with my inaction was pushing Miller away. My mind began to spin with ideas and romantic gestures I could use to apologize for my behavior. I thought of singing telegrams, flowers, or something playful like one of the puzzles we made and gave to one another. Then I realized the only thing that made any sense was to talk to him from the heart. I simply needed to drop the pretense and bullshit and tell the man what he meant to me.
I sent Miller a text when I finished talking to Gray. I knew he’d be teaching and wouldn’t get my text until later, but I couldn’t go another minute without doing something. A text was a piss-poor solution, but it was a start.
I miss you like crazy, Bones. I’m sorry for the way I’ve acted. I’m going to make this up to you. Can we have dinner tonight and talk? Love, J.
