“I refuse to turn into a lovesick sap.” My protest sounded weak even to my own ears, and Gray’s laughter confirmed he wasn’t buying it either.
Gray’s expression sobered, and I knew I wasn’t going to like what he said next. “I just don’t want to see you get hurt. I’m not sure he’s capable of a healthy relationship, and I want better for you.”
“I’m a big boy, Gray. I know what I’m doing.” The look I gave him let him know my relationship with Jag wasn’t up for debate. There was nothing Gray could say to dissuade me from seeing him.
“Point taken. Let’s get downstairs so we can rescue our food from Preston. I had to put him in charge of the grill, and we’ll be lucky if anything is edible.”
“We can always order pizza,” I offered as I followed my best friend down the stairs.
“Always thinking, Doc. I love that about you.” Jag was waiting for me at the bottom of the steps, and he looked hesitantly between me and Gray. “He’s all yours, buddy,” Gray said to Jag, punching him playfully in the shoulder. Jag and I both breathed a sigh of relief that Gray wasn’t making this hard on either one of us.
“Bones, if it’s okay with you, I’d still like to stay late so I can talk to Chase. I think you were right about me needing to be completely honest so I can really move forward with my life.”
“Of course,” I replied. “I’m proud of you, Jag. I’ll be wherever you need me to be and do whatever I can to help you through it.”
Jag pulled me into his arms and held me tight as if he didn’t want to let go. “I know I can always count on you, Bones.” His faith in me never failed to make me smile.
JJ
Chase was silent for several long moments after I told him the truth about why I had abruptly ended our relationship. He just sat there with his eyes closed as if he was trying to absorb and process the horrific story. I somehow kept my shit together a lot better than when I’d told Miller, but then again, my confession to Miller had been the first time I had ever spoken about what happened.
I just stared at the way the pool lights threw reflections all around and allowed him the time he needed. I had lived with the truth for more than nine years while he had known for closer to nine minutes. I looked into the house, and my eyes connected with Miller’s. The affection in his steady gaze calmed me like nothing else could. Miller’s patient and complete affection healed a broken part of me I never thought could be mended. I felt like telling Chase the unvarnished truth was the final step to becoming the man I always wanted to be. I kept my eyes locked on Miller’s and looked forward to when I could be alone with him, and our menagerie of pets, again.
“Did you—do you—blame me because I asked you to stay?” Chase’s broken voice pulled my attention from Miller and had me focusing on him. Chase was chewing his bottom lip as he waited for me to answer. I saw the hurt I had always wanted to avoid in his soulful eyes. I knew he’d blame himself, and I couldn’t leave his house until I made him believe I had never blamed him.
I reached across the distance between our loungers and took both his hands in mine. It was a risky move that could ruin the burgeoning trust I had been building with Gray, but I needed the connection. I just had to trust that Miller could reason with Gray and prevent him from coming outside.
“I never blamed you for one second, Chase. Not one. If you believe nothing else that ever comes from my lips again, I need you to hear me and believe me right now.” I paused to rein in my emotions. “I wanted to stay with you and celebrate the holiday, and you asking me to stay a few extra days was the best present you could’ve given me that year.” I squeezed his hands and offered him a smile I hoped was convincing. His brow was still deeply creased, and I knew I needed to explain more.
“I blamed myself because I dared to dream of a better life than I thought I deserved.” I told him about my mom’s addictions to alcohol and abusive men followed by her attempt at a better life once she found out she was pregnant with Will. I explained that I had started to believe, for once in my life, that I wasn’t the white trash people claimed. “I thought it was fate’s way of reminding me who I was and where I came from and that I wasn’t good enough to clean your shoes, let alone deserve your love. I might’ve been able to save them both had I been there.”
“Or you could’ve died, J. I’m so very sorry about what happened to Will and your mom, but I can’t be sorry that you didn’t die too.” His voice broke, and I could tell tears threatened.
“That’s what Miller said too.”
“We’ll get to you and Miller in a bit,” he said wryly. “We’ve been through a lot together, and yes, you broke my heart when I was eighteen.” His words caused me to tense, which he must have felt because he gave my hands another reassuring squeeze. “You’ve also been the best friend a guy could ever ask for, J. It might have taken us a while to get over our broken romance, but what came out of it was a friendship I’ll cherish for the rest of my life. It’s one I fought my husband to keep, and I’ll keep fighting him if that’s what it takes. I wish you had trusted me enough all those years ago so I could’ve helped you through it.”
“You would’ve blamed yourself, and I couldn’t stand the thought of you being guilt-ridden over something I felt was my responsibility. I handled it the best way I knew how at the time. Looking back at the incident through adult eyes I see how wrong I was for not telling you. Thank you, Chase, for being my friend, even when I didn’t deserve it.” I cleared my throat to buy myself time so I could choose the right words. “You’ve grown a lot since you’ve met Gray. You’re much more confident and assertive than you used to be. You’re an example of what being in love with the right person does. It makes us grow and become the best versions of ourselves. I’m truly glad you found that with Gray.”
“You’ve found that with Miller.” It was a statement, not a question. Chase cocked his head to the side and studied my face while he waited for my response. If I even tried to lie to him, he’d know. I confided in Miller about something huge, which told Chase that my relationship with him went way beyond physical.
“I have.” It was true. Miller made me a better man. I could’ve said more, but it wasn’t right for me to tell Chase how I felt about Miller before I told the man himself. I was on the receiving end of one of Chase Wright’s radiant smiles because I had reached a pinnacle he feared I’d never reach. It wasn’t from lack of trying on his part, though. “We better get back in there because I’m not sure how much longer Miller can hold your husband back. I mean, we’ve been out here holding hands for quite some time.”
Chase dropped my hands and looked through the patio door where his husband stood beside Miller. I felt the heat of Gray’s glare from across the pool and could only hope he’d calm down once he had a chance to talk to Chase.
“It’s okay for you to tell Gray what we discussed. I don’t want you to feel like you need to keep this a secret from your husband. I’d explain it myself, but I’m suddenly tired of talking.” I needed Miller’s quiet comfort.
“Ready?” Miller asked me once I walked inside the house, and I answered him with a kiss.
Miller said goodbye for both of us then steered me toward the door. I was too wiped out to drive, so I decided to ride shotgun. I leaned my head back against the headrest and closed my eyes. I only had to wait a minute before Miller climbed behind the steering wheel and adjusted the seat.
“A couple of inches makes a difference in some instances,” he teased. I opened my eyes and turned to look at him. Miller’s voice was playful and light but his baby blues were heavy with worry.
“Take me home, Bones, and make me forget.”
We stopped to pick up Indy on the way to my house. Miller getting his ass chewed by his dog for being gone so long brought a smile to my face. “I tried to get him to come home hours ago, little buddy,” I said. The dog cocked his head to the side as he often did. It was as if he understood exactly what I said because the look he gave Miller afterward was priceless.
“He lies, Indy!” Miller slugged me painfully in the arm. There we were, two grown-ass men, standing in Miller’s living room talking to a dog like he was a human and understood us. I wouldn’t have had it any other way.
