“Oh fuck!” The red-faced waiter nearly choked on his own saliva after he dropped the f-bomb. “Sorry, sirs.” Ryan plopped my plate on the table and fled for the safety of the kitchen.
Chase watched him leave with a smile filled with mirth. “Poor kid.” He looked back at me and pointed to my plate with his fork. “Eat. We have plenty of time to get to know each other, right? You’re not planning on leaving town or anything are you?”
“No,” but I had thought about it, “I’m staying put.”
“Good. I have dozens of questions swirling through my brain, but they can wait for another time. I can’t think when I smell food this good.” He closed his eyes and inhaled the aroma appreciatively. “Gray returns home tonight and I’m going to need all the protein, calories, and carbs that I can get my hands on.” Chase added an exaggerated eyebrow wiggle to punctuate his statement.
I happily dug my fork into the delicious food and felt grateful for the moment I had with him. Sure, things weren’t completely resolved between us and there would be details to flesh out. I just told Chase that his father had most likely died last year, and even though Matthew Rivers didn’t have an active role in his life, he’d probably feel a little regret that they ran out of time before they had a chance to reconcile the past. I got to hear Matthew’s apology, but Chase didn’t. It might hit him hard later and I wanted to be there for my brother if it did.
Brother. It felt so good to be able to publicly claim this guy as my brother. The happiness I felt when Chase referred to me as his brother to the waiter was almost indescribable. Euphoric might come close, but probably still not be good enough to explain the way my heart swelled with pride and happiness. I was plenty happy to experience it and not worry about putting a label on my emotions. I shoved all my concerns aside and focused on enjoying lunch with Chase. A small worm of uneasiness about Jack tried to inch itself into my happy thoughts, but I shut it down. I would be seeing Jack when I worked my shift later and I’d deal with the fallout from my behavior then and not let worry rob me of my time with Chase.
March 14, 1944
We let our fear of getting caught delay the inevitable, so it was about three months after we first met before I first felt Jeremiah’s lips on mine. That kiss was everything a kiss should be; earth-shattering, sweet, and life altering. I was never going to be the same after having the tiniest taste of Jeremiah’s lips and I didn’t want to be. The world said we were wrong, but something that felt so right, so pure, couldn’t be wrong.
I refused to believe that I wouldn’t have him for the rest of my life. I took for granted the fleeting moments that we shared until they were gone. I would’ve given anything for just one more kiss from him. As badly as it hurt me, I wouldn’t have changed a single second of my time with him. The joy of really loving someone and being loved in return was worth the agony of losing him – of losing my heart.
I sat in Dr. Noah McKinney’s waiting room and recalled every word of the journal entry I had read the previous night. It just so happened to be the same night that I first kissed Liam and it felt like my heart was being squeezed by a vice grip as I read Big Jack’s words. Hadn’t I felt the same way when I felt Liam’s lips pressed against mine? Didn’t I feel that kiss deep inside my soul? I had and it prompted me to reach out to Noah, even though it was late at night.
Noah had become so much more than my psychiatrist, he had become a valued friend. He hadn’t hesitated for a second, he didn’t send my call to voicemail. He made sure I wasn’t in a crisis and then told me he’d meet me at his office before his other appointments since he was booked all day. The world was a better place because of people like Noah.
His office was the perfect balance of comfort and professional. Even though he was contracted to work with veterans, he kept his office away from the nearby military bases because he said that sometimes just stepping onto a base was a trigger for some veterans. His office was at a medical complex not affiliated with the military.
His method might have been viewed as unorthodox by other practitioners, but it worked for me. He insisted I call him by his first name. He always wore jeans, a button down shirt, and a pair of boots to every appointment I ever had with him. His relaxed demeanor made it possible for me to be comfortable around him and open up. He was there to help me and I desperately needed his help.
Yet, my knees were still knocking together at the thought of saying out loud that I was sexually attracted to men. Once the words were out, they wouldn’t be going back in. Saying the words made it real and then I’d have to act upon my confession, because I knew I would no longer be able to straddle the fence, walk the tightrope, or live in denial. I was either going to accept this part of me and live openly or continue to live a lie and not have what I wanted – no – what I needed.
Noah’s demeanor shifted slightly when I entered his office, as if he could sense the turmoil lurking inside me. Honestly, the angst I felt that day was just as severe as my first visit when I looked him in the eye and told him I needed his help; I wanted to live and didn’t know if I could. I sat in my usual chair – no couch – and looked into his blue-green gaze that seemed to see into the heart of me.
“Do you want some water or coffee, Jack?” His concerned voice propelled me to make the leap, to tell the truth to someone.
I looked down at my hands in my lap, because I didn’t want to see rejection in his eyes. “I think I’m gay.” There, the words were spoken, but they weren’t exactly true. I looked up to see his reaction and Noah’s eyes didn’t even widen, there was no outward indication of what he thought. “I don’tthink,” I amended, “Iknowthat I’m sexually attracted to men.”Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out.
“And you’re worried about what others might think?”
I swallowed down the lump that had formed in my throat and nodded. “I’m not sure how my family and friends would feel if they knew I had feelings for a guy.”
“Are you referring to guys in general or a specific guy?” Noah’s voice remained calm and compassionate, there wasn’t a drop of disgust anywhere. I didn’t realize how badly I wanted his acceptance until I had it. If only the rest of the world could be so accepting. I raised my head and met his gaze head on.
“I’ve been attracted to other guys since I was in high school, but I never acted on it until recently. Well, it was just a kiss.” I clarified, but it wasn’t just a kiss, it wasthekiss that could end all other kisses except for his - if he wanted me. I recalled my granddad’s words about how right it felt to kiss Jeremiah and they warmed me from the inside out. “It’s a specific guy and it felt like a lot more than a kiss.”
“What are you afraid of? What is the worst thing that could happen if you allow yourself to love this man?” Noah struck right to the heart of my anguish like he always did, perceptive bastard that he was.
“I could lose my family and the friendship of my surviving unit members. They could turn away from me in disgust and I’m not sure that is something I could handle. That’s my dilemma; live openly and fully, but possibly at the expense of my family and friends, or continue to live a lie. I’ve been with women, but not a single one of them has ever made me feel like he does. I’ve really tried to be what people want me to be, but it just feels all wrong now.” I blew out a shaky breath, feeling so much better for having spoken the truth to someone at long last.
“Can I be very candid with you?” Noah asked gently. I nodded for him to continue. “Is just going through the motions really living, Jack?” I could only shrug, because I didn’t know if I could take the risk. “It’s obviously a huge decision for you to make and it isn’t one that has to be decided today. You have to do this at your own pace.”
I didn’t want to hurt everyone I loved or the person I felt myself falling… the person who I was starting to think was sent to me, even though he really showed up to meet his brother. I couldn’t do anything that would hurt Liam, even if it meant maintaining a distance from him. It physically pained me to think about not being around him as much, not seeing his sweet smile, or hearing his laughter ring out as he talked to a customer or a co-worker. Could I really go for too long without his sass? He was a temptation I wasn’t sure I could resist.
“Jack,” Noah broke into my thoughts, “I want to warn you that these tumultuous feelings might trigger night terrors. I don’t want you to be caught off guard by them.” I nodded, grateful for his warning. There was nothing worse than one of those fucking things gripping me by the throat when I least expected it. Noah, tilted his head to the side and his eyes took on a faraway look as he contemplated what next to say. After a few moments, his eyes locked on me again. “Would it help you at all if I told you my coming out story? I don’t usually share my personal life with my patients, but if you’ve never talked to a gay man before about his experiences then it might be making your decision harder. It’s up to you, Jack.”
It didn’t surprise me that Noah was gay - I stopped drawing conclusions about peoples’ sexuality a long time ago; it surprised me that he was going to open up and tell me his story though. All I had to refer to was granddad’s journals and he never came out, so I was curious about Noah’s experiences, even though I knew it didn’t mean mine would be similar. I gave him a slight nod and my full attention.
“It wasn’t easy telling my Gunnery Sergeant father that his only son liked other boys. I think my mom knew, as a lot of them do, but he was clueless. He kept pushing every pair of boobs at me.” A wry smile spread across Noah’s face, so I guessed that it didn’t go all bad. “I searched and searched for the right way to tell him, Jack. I tried to think up a way I could let him know without shocking him, but I just couldn’t come up with anything creative. In the end, he forced my hand by giving me a Playboy magazine for my eighteenth birthday.” Noah’s expression told me that he at no time found himself curious about the opposite sex. Noah broke into a laugh over the memory and I found myself chuckling along.
“I was really aggravated and fed up that I had let this drag on for so long. I marched right into his study and tossed that girlie magazine on his desk. ‘No thank you,’ I had told him. ‘I’m not into girls, dad.’ I think I even did a dramatic shiver in front of his desk, too grossed out to be afraid of his reaction. ‘Besides, I already have my own porn stash,’ I had told him. Then I watched as the truth dawned on him.” Noah’s smile slid from his face for a brief moment, but then returned. “He was shocked at first. He didn’t understand. He didn’t believe it was possible that his son could be gay. I held my ground just like he’d instructed me my entire life and he realized that I wasn’t joking, unsure, or being rebellious. I was who I was and he could love me anyway or not.”
“I hope he loved you anyway.” Noah was a great man and I couldn’t imagine a father not being proud of him.
