I took one large warehouse and turned it into a bar, private garage, and I rented the third space to a body shop that specialized in motorcycle repair. I turned the entire top floor into a loft-style personal residence. It may not have been the wilderness that I had come to associate as my childhood home in West Virginia, but my loft was still my home. It was the first place I could call my own since I left home at eighteen. It took me a long time to get this place exactly how I wanted it, but it was perfect for me.
I took the stairs up to the loft and let myself in. Charlie was waiting for me as soon as I opened the door. “Hi, boy. Miss me? I was only gone for an hour.” I knelt down beside him and gave his ears a good scratch to ease him, because he worried about me when I was out of his care. I tossed my keys onto the table next to the door where I kept a jar for keys and mail.
It was going on 3:00 a.m. and I needed to get some sleep, but my granddad’s WWII footlocker I retrieved from his storage unit called my name. I had decided to bring it home and open it after the funeral. I knew I shouldn’t open it right then either, but the pull was too strong to ignore – sort of like the pull I felt toward Liam.
I blew out a quick breath and went into the area I sectioned off for my bedroom before I once again lost my nerve. I opened the trunk and found what appeared to be photos and journals stored inside. I wasn’t ready to look at Big Jack’s pictures yet. The pain was too fresh and I just wasn’t ready to feel that searing stab to the heart when I looked upon his smiling face in pictures. The journals were all dated on the outside so I chose the first one which was dated 1943. I flopped down on my bed, opened it up, and read:
December 27, 1943
I was scared shitless when I stepped onto the base at Fort Benning in Georgia. I was a seventeen year old kid who lied about his age so that he could enlist in the Army. My parents didn’t approve, but then again they didn’t approve of a lot of things about me. I could only imagine what would have happened if they knew the real reason I refused to ask Mary Lou Markum to be my wife.
They shuffled us through like a herd of cattle as we got a quick medical exam, a haircut, and a uniform to wear. I was standing there rubbing my newly shaved head when I looked up and my eyes met the prettiest blue eyes I had ever seen. I later learned that his name was Jeremiah Merritt and he would become the person I loved most in the world.
I was afraid to stare too long, afraid he and everyone else would be able to see the reason why I was so captivated by his baby blues. It was while I was staring into those eyes that a sense of calm washed over me and I knew I was going to be alright. I knew I was meant to live that moment and meet that man. He became the beating of my heart, the air that I breathed, and I stupidly thought that I’d have him for the rest of my life.
Life doesn’t always work the way we want it to. The challenge is to accept that as the truth without losing hope that maybe, just once, there might be an exception. In the end, I wouldn’t have traded one single second in his arms for all the money in the world. Twenty years later, I can still smell his cologne and hear his laughter echoing through my mind. Losing him hurt me badly, but thinking that I could’ve gone my entire life without knowing him hurts even worse.
My eyes were so heavy from exhaustion, and my vision had started to blur, so I decided to call it a night – or morning considering the time. I shut the journal and laid it on my bedside table then stripped down to my boxers before I climbed beneath the covers. The books were more like memoirs than journals since they were written after the fact. Granddad probably wouldn’t have felt comfortable writing those entries while in the Army. He would have been afraid of them being discovered and getting outed. Charlie jumped on the bed and curled into a ball at my feet where he laid every night. I turned the lamp off, throwing my bedroom into complete darkness; the only light was from the digital alarm clock.
I laid in the silence and thought about Granddad’s words and how similar our lives seemed. My emotions were less tumultuous, the nightmares were less frequent, and I hadn’t had a bout of depression or anxiety in a very long time. I could finally tolerate the touch of another human being. In fact, I was starting to crave the touch of a certain hazel-eyed man like a drug. Yet, I still lived in fear. I was afraid of rejection and the hatred that I could experience if I took what I wanted. Was living in the open worth the risk?
Granddad lost Jeremiah - whether by death or break up I didn’t yet know - but he was still lost to him regardless. Big Jack went home after Japan surrendered in August of 1945 and married Mary Lou Markum, who later became my grandmother. My granddad appeared to live a happy life and no one would have guessed the secret he kept hidden. In his letter to me, he said that he felt he had lived half of a life and he didn’t want the same for me. I didn’t want to continue living a lie either, but I had to think it through before I made a move.
I thought of what Big Jack said about Jeremiah’s calming presence and I recalled how I felt the same peacefulness with Liam the day of granddad’s funeral. Could I really risk not trying to see what else Liam could make me feel? Could I really risk the rejection of my family and friends to claim the life I wanted?
I felt all the muscles in my body relax as hazel eyes filled with so much promise appeared in my mind while sleep started to claim me. It seemed like my heart was leading the charge in this battle, but only time would tell if it won.
GRAY WAS OUTof town on business, so I called Chase and invited him to a late dinner at Louie’s. It was a 50’s themed diner that was really popular with the locals and tourists. I used to work there part-time until Jack was able to move me up to a full-time bartender. Louie’s had been a fun place to work, but I was grateful to have the full-time work at Bottoms Up. My schedule was pretty consistent and I made killer tips that I was saving toward tuition for culinary school.
On the way to Louie’s, I practiced all the different ways I could tell Chase that we shared a father. “Yo bro,” wasn’t right. “Chase, we share the same father,” I said aloud using a Darth Vader voice. “Once upon a time, there was a man named Matthew Rivers.” That was one fucked up fairytale. “You complete me,” but this wasn’t a Jerry Maguire moment and I doubt he’d come back with “show me the paternity.” All I accomplished on the drive over was making myself even sicker and causing people in the other cars to look at me funny for talking to myself.
My knees bounced beneath the table of the corner booth I chose in the back of the restaurant. I wanted as much privacy as I could get for the conversation we had. I didn’t have to wait too long, as Chase walked through the door a few minutes later. His eyes searched the diner and then landed on me. He greeted me with a warm smile, which I tried to return, but I could tell I had failed miserably by the concerned looked in his warm, brown eyes.
Chase must have looked like his mother, because he looked nothing like our father, where I was the spitting image of him. I had the same hazel eyes and same chestnut-colored hair as our sperm donor.
“What’s wrong?” Chase asked as soon as he sat down.
“Hmm?” My voice shook, because my legs were bouncing so hard.
“I’ve heard the saying that someone looks as ‘nervous as a whore in church’ but I’ve never quite understood it until now.” Chase smiled wryly at me, but it only helped a little. “Come on, Liam. Tell me what’s wrong.”
I dropped my eyes to look at the table, too ashamed to look him in the eye. “I, um… I’ve been meaning to tell you something, Chase. I should’ve told you when we first met, but I didn’t know how and then time slipped away from me and I couldn’t figure out how to tell you without making you mad that I didn’t tell you as soon as we met.” I blew out a shaky breath and chanced a look at his face. All I saw was concern, but I knew that was about to change.
“Knew what? What should you have told me as soon as we met?” The concern in his voice matched the kindness and encouragement in his eyes.
“Oh, Chase. I’m sorry, okay. I’m sorry that I waited so long to tell you and I hope you can forgive me.” Chase looked at me as if he doubted that I was about to drop a bomb on him, but I knew better. “I moved here for one purpose only and that was to find you and tell you that we are brothers. Well, half-brothers to be exact.” I looked into Chase’s shock-widened eyes. His lips parted as if he were going to say something, but he didn’t, so I continued to speak while I had the courage. “Matthew Rivers is my father too. He met my mother not long after he and your mother split and I’m the result of their very brief relationship.” Chase just kept staring at me with his mouth hanging wide open. If we were just having dinner between brothers I would have placed my hand beneath his chin and closed his mouth for him. Instead, I wisely kept my hands to myself. “Chase, please say something. Yell at me. Throw something at me.” If he spoke he’d be doing something, if he threw something he’d be doing something, and not just staring at me with so much hurt in his eyes.
“I need time to think about what you told me, Liam.”Not that.“I can’t believe you’ve known for nearly two years and didn’t tell me something this huge. Why, Liam?” I opened my mouth to speak but he waved me off as he stood up from the booth. “No, never mind. I can’t… not right now.” He turned and left the diner without another word.
I felt like he took all hope of me having a happy life in D.C. with him when he left. Fear gripped my heart in its gnarled-fingered hand, squeezing until it felt like my heart would explode. A waiter – I couldn’t tell you which one – approached the table to ask if I was ready to order. I told him no and left the diner without saying anything else. A cold chill seeped into my bones while hot tears slid down my face as I numbly made my way to my car.
I felt lost and more alone than I had ever felt in my life. I knew where I wanted to go, but I couldn’t say why, except something – an unknown inner voice – told me to go to him; he’d know what to do and say to make it better. I listened to the voice and aimed my car in the direction of the one person who I wanted to make it all better. I used my key to come in through the back entrance so the other employees wouldn’t see me and ask questions. I opened the door to his office without knocking, which is not something any of us did. He demanded and deserved our respect, and we gladly gave it to him.
Jack stood in his office with his back to me, his arms were raised up over his head as he pulled his shirt off and tossed it aside. I temporarily forgot my own problems and even how to breathe as my eyes raked over his naked back, taking in every detail of the elaborate black and red dragon tattoo that nearly took up his entire back. The dragon was curled up in mid-flight with its fierce talons ready to rip the heart right out of its enemy. The dragon’s mouth was open wide and a forked tongue angled up toward the top of Jack’s broad shoulder. The tattoo was so realistic I half expected the dragon to breathe fire at any moment.
Charlie realized I was there before Jack did and he came running to me, a soft whine escaping from him as if he sensed my distress. Jack turned to face me and I saw his bare chest for the first time. I tried not to stare at the black hair that lightly covered his chest or the happy trail that bisected his abdomen and disappeared into the waistband of his worn blue jeans. Charlie whined again and I tore my eyes away from Jack’s torso and looked down at the dog. He cocked his head to the side and I bent over to give his ears a scratch like I had seen Jack do many times.
“What’s wrong, Liam?” The concern I heard in Jack’s voice caused me to jerk my gaze back to him in time to see him pulling a different shirt down over his chest. “You talked to Chase tonight didn’t you?” He asked, guessing correctly the reason why I was upset. The grief struck me anew and I could do nothing but nod at him as new tears threatened. “Oh man, don’t cry. Please don’t cry.”Why is it that anytime someone tells you not to cry it just makes you cry harder?“No. No. No.” Jack paced a few steps, as if he wasn’t sure what to do. Next thing I knew, he pulled me further into his office, shut the door, and wrapped his arms around me, holding me tight against his chest. I held on to him for dear life as grief and fear battered my heart from all sides. “It’s going to be okay,” he whispered huskily into my ear. “I know him and he’ll come around.”
