We met the couple down in the lobby, and what might have been awkward wasn’t at all. Joseph and Brad were so friendly and welcoming. We had a delicious dinner in the back of the restaurant next to the crackling fireplace. Jack had told me that he wasn’t sure how much to say about Jeremiah and Big Jack’s relationship and would follow Joseph’s lead; he wouldn’t deny Big Jack and Jeremiah’s relationship if Joseph already knew the truth. He just wasn’t willing to out an elderly man. He was also very uncomfortable bringing it up because of all the uncertainty he felt.
“I made some copies of photographs of our grandfathers when they were younger. I thought you’d like to have a set for yourself.” I liked the way he segued into it. My guy was smoother than he gave himself credit.
“Thank you Jack.” Joseph took the photos from Jack then he and Brad began looking through them. “Look how young he looked.”
“You really do look so much like him,” Brad told his husband. “I never really agreed when everyone said it, but I can’t deny the resemblance. That’s exactly how you looked when I fell in love with you – same smile and everything.” The two shared a private glance as if they were the only two people in the room.
“They were so in love,” Joseph whispered, when he came to the picture of the grandfathers standing in front of the tank. “It’s so sad that they had to hide who they were. But then again, I wouldn’t be here if they had.” Joseph realized what he said and looked up suddenly at Jack, his face flushed with embarrassment.
“I just recently learned the truth myself,” Jack said putting Joseph at ease. “I had no idea that Big Jack had been in love with a man. As far as I could tell, he was very much in love with my grandmother.”
“He probably was, as much as he could love anyone other than Jeremiah.” Joseph smiled kindly at us. “Granddad told us about five years ago. I can’t be sure why he told us after all the time that had passed. Maybe it was because I came out at that time and he was showing support or he just was tired of living a lie.” Joseph was physically in the room, but his eyes weren’t focused while his memories took him someplace else. “I used to tease him about double dating and that is when he told me about Big Jack. He told me he hadn’t been strong enough to face a life of ridicule and scorn. He said he walked away from the love of his life because he was a coward. I told him that things were different back then and told him there weren’t many places that he and Big Jack could’ve lived openly.” Joseph wiped a hand over his face and refocused back on us. I saw the sheen of moisture in his eyes and his struggle to hold back his tears. “I miss my grandfather so damn much. He’s here physically, but nothing more.” Joseph visibly swallowed hard as a tear slid down his face.
“Joe,” Brad said softly and pulled his husband close for a hug. Joe mourned Jeremiah every bit as much as Jack mourned Big Jack, even though Jeremiah hadn’t died. Joseph was right; Jeremiah was alive but not really living.
“I’m so sorry,” he said finally pulling himself together. “Big Jack just passed away and here I am blubbering away. I’m very sorry for your loss, Jack.”
“Thank you.” Jack’s voice was rough and raw with emotion. I reached for his hand and laced our fingers together beneath the table. “I think your situation is much harder than mine. Big Jack led a really robust life up until the last year. The cancer moved quick and it didn’t take long for him to pass. He died peacefully in his sleep. It’s just fine if you want to mourn your loss and don’t let anyone tell you different.” Joseph nodded as he wiped away more tears.
The rest of the night passed without tears. Brad and Joseph showed us pictures of their kids and made us laugh with stories about parenthood. They were such nice guys and I found myself wishing they lived closer so we could get to know them better.
After the long day of traveling, the wine, and the crackling fire; time caught up to me. I suddenly found it hard to stay awake. Jack chuckled deeply when I leaned into him and laid my head on his shoulder. “You ready to head upstairs, Sleeping Beauty?”
“Mmm hmm,” I replied drowsily.
Our dinner guests laughed and apologized for keeping us up so late after our long drive. As much as they loved their kids, they also loved to get a break from them. Joseph told us he would pick us up in the morning and take us to meet Jeremiah. We exchanged hugs - because handshakes felt too informal – and headed up to our room.
Jack took Charlie out one last time and I found myself more awake than when I was sitting by the fire. I eyed the big claw foot tub and wondered if I could talk Jack into a long soak with me. It didn’t take much convincing and I ran us a hot bath. I climbed into the tub and leaned back between Jack’s legs, my back to his chest. Jack nuzzled my neck and ran his hands up and down my chest. His movements were more about comfort than sex. We were giving and taking comfort from each other, completely in sync with each other’s needs.
Not a word was spoken as we lounged in the tub, even though I felt like Jack wanted to say something. I was certain that tonight had been difficult for him. I wanted him to be able to talk to me and tell me how he was feeling, but I wasn’t going to push. The following morning would be a big day for him and he didn’t need any added pressure from me. I wiggled as close to him as I could get, content in the knowledge that he’d reach for me when he was ready.
I WAS GRATEFULto have Liam’s quiet strength beside me as we rode in the backseat of Joseph’s car on the way to see Jeremiah. I had questioned myself so many times the night before and again that morning. Who was I really doing this for? Was it to honor the memory of my granddad? Was it so I could tell Jeremiah just how much Big Jack loved him, even if he didn’t understand a word I said? Or did I have my own selfish reasons? Was I discovering myself also as I traveled down this road to closure? Was this my way of hoping I would have my happily-ever-after?
Liam believed in the journey and had even been the one to suggest it. Joseph and Brad were both on board and neither would do anything to hurt Jeremiah. It truly felt like the right thing to do, so I just pushed my doubts and worries aside and concentrated on something positive – like asking Liam to marry me.
I hadn’t planned to ask him so soon when I approached his parents for their blessing. I told them that I wanted to ask Liam to marry me someday. Well, it looked like someday was only a few weeks later. The question burned to come out last night while he rested against me in the tub. I loved how vulnerable he allowed himself to be around me, knowing he could rest against me and that I would take care of him. It was during those peaceful moments that I felt our connection the strongest and it almost seemed like the right time to ask him to be mine for the rest of his life.
“Here we are,” Joseph said, pulling onto a long, tree-lined driveway. The stark, barren branches that hung over the drive were beautiful even in the dead of winter. I couldn’t imagine how they’d look in the spring and in the fall. “It’s really lovely here and they take such good care of my grandfather.”
“It can’t be an easy job,” Liam added, “watching all the people you care for slip away. I’m not sure how they do it.”
“It takes a special kind of person, that’s for sure,” Brad added.
My nerves returned tenfold as I climbed out of the car and followed behind Joseph and Brad. I reached for Liam’s hand, entwining our fingers together. Joseph stopped at the front desk briefly to greet the people working at the desk and then led the way to Jeremiah’s room.
“I’m just going to wait in the solarium while you visit. The sun is nice and bright today so it’ll be warm enough,” Brad said once we stopped in front of a closed door. “I don’t want to overwhelm him and I don’t want to intrude on a private moment.” He patted me gently on the shoulder and kissed Joseph on the cheek before he walked away.
“Should I go too?” Liam asked out of concern for Jeremiah’s comfort.
“It’ll be okay. I’ll go in first and say hi to him and tell him I’m bringing you guys in to see him. I doubt he’ll have a clue what’s going on, but it just feels like the right thing to do.” I nodded at Joseph and he went inside the room, shutting the door behind him.
“Thank you for being here, Ace. I can’t imagine…” Liam stood on his tiptoes and pressed his lips to mine, effectively cutting off the rest of what I was going to say.
“You won’t have to imagine a time without me, or my love,” Liam said once he pulled back from the kiss. “No thanks are needed.”
Joseph opened the door after a few minutes and motioned us inside. My heart thundered in my chest, but a sense of calm washed over me as soon as I crossed over the threshold into his room. I could almost feel Big Jack’s guiding hand nudging me and whispering words of encouragement like he did when he taught me how to ride a two-wheeled bike. My parents had said I was too young, but he hadn’t listened. Big Jack knew I was ready for the challenge - when I was a scared kid trying to find balance on the bike, when I was a scared man too afraid to love, and now when I stood just inside his soulmate’s room at the nursing home. I needed his gentle nudge on each of those occasions.
Jeremiah was propped up in bed watching TV. The sound was turned down, but it didn’t seem that he cared so much about the sound as much as he did the activity. I could clearly see the young man that he used to be. He was rocking back and forth slightly, as if he might be agitated. I looked to Joseph and he gave me an encouraging nod.
