It had been a very long day, I was exhausted, and I debated putting off opening the envelope until I returned home, but I decided to deal with it the night of his funeral as some sort of attempt at closure. Charlie was on the bed beside me and shifted so that his head rested across my right thigh. I dropped a hand and scratched his ears in appreciation.
“You’re such a good boy, Charlie,” I cooed to him. Charlie let out a little doggy groan as if he heard my praise and approved. “Alright, Charlie boy, let’s see what we have inside the envelope.” I slowly tore open the envelope and pulled out a letter, I could tell by the weight of the envelope that the small metal thing that I noticed the other day, was still inside. I peered into the envelope and saw a small key tucked into the corner. I set the envelope aside, inhaled a deep breath through my nose, and blew it out through my mouth. It was one of the breathing methods Noah showed me to use when I felt nervous or anxious. I opened the letter and my eyes welled up with tears just from seeing Big Jack’s handwriting.
Dear Jack,
I know you weren’t ready to say goodbye and neither was I, but we’re not calling the shots. You’ve been granddad’s boy since you drew your first breath and that won’t change just because I drew my last. Look around you, my boy, and you’ll see me everywhere. You’ll find me in the snowflakes that fall from the sky, the wind that blows through the trees, and the rising sun that casts its adoring light on a new day. I’ll be with you everywhere you go.
You always made me feel ten feet tall, brave, and strong enough to do anything I set my mind on. How I wish those things were true. I wish I had been strong enough to tell you these secrets I carried in my heart for decades, because I think it would have made your life happier. Had I been honest with everyone and lived my life in the open the way I wanted to, then maybe you would have felt you could too. The truth is even hard to write about now, but I wouldn’t be able to rest in my afterlife if I left this unsaid to you.
Jack, the real reason I asked you to break off your engagement with Kristen more than a decade ago was because my heart told me that no woman would ever be able to complete you; be the other half of your soul that makes you whole. I know that even right now a part of you is trying to deny that my words are true, but I know what it’s like to live half a life and I don’t want that for you. I loved your grandmother with everything I had and I gave her the best life I could, but half of my heart – my soul - had already been given to Jeremiah Merritt on our first day of basic training and I never got it back. I could only give her half of me and that wasn’t fair to either of us. I wouldn’t allow regret to rule my life, because if not for my decision then I wouldn’t have had your father or you and your siblings. However, there was never a day that went by that my heart didn’t call out for Jeremiah and wonder where he was and if he was happy. Did he have a family of his own and did he still think of me?
Shocked? Yes, I imagine you are. So just imagine how that would have gone over in the 40’s. Had Jeremiah and I been found out, we probably could have been killed and no one would have looked into it. Times have changed a lot – not that it’s a perfect world for a gay man now– but, it’s a vast improvement over my generation.
Jack, I think it’s time you live the life that will make you happy. You’ve been through hell and back with each tour you served. You deserve the peace and happiness that only living the truth will bring you. I could be wrong about you and you could be seriously pissed off right now, but I don’t think that’s the case. Am I right? Instead you’re wondering how I knew. The answer is simple, my boy: I saw myself when I looked at you.
Your military career is over and you no longer have to worry about repercussions if you came out while wearing the uniform. So, that only leaves the fear of how your family will respond. They love you and they will accept you. I think your dad might be shocked, of course, but he has loved you since you took your first breath. I’ll never forget the look in his eyes when he placed you in my arms for the first time. That depth of love will never be lost, no matter how confused or concerned he might be. He might need some time to come to terms with things, but he will. I know Patrick Murphy and he’ll do the right thing by his oldest son.
The hardest thing to do in life is to be yourself. There is always someone who wants to tear you down and make you feel less of a human, regardless of your situation. I wasn’t brave and courageous, but I know that you are. Live the life you were meant to live, be the person you want to be, and by God, surrender your heart when you meet the person who makes you whole, makes you feel what it truly means to be alive.
Inside this envelope is a key to a small storage unit on Shylerville Rd. That unit holds every memory I have of Jeremiah Merritt – things I held near and dear to my heart for a lifetime. I am trusting those possessions to your safekeeping, my boy. You’ll also soon learn that I left the cabin to you as well. I only ask that you let Terry use it as often as he’d like when you’re not using it. He was my best friend during some of my darkest and loneliest days after your grandmother passed away.
I love you, Jack. I always have and I will carry that love with me into my eternal life. I’m not afraid of going to hell because I had laid with another man. There’s no sin in loving someone, my boy, despite what the church says.
I’ll see you on the other side, but hopefully not for many, many years. Find your happiness, Jack. Don’t wait!
Love,
Granddad
I sat on my bed staring at the letter for a long time, maybe even hours. I was shocked by Big Jack’s confession and equally stunned that he knew the secret that I had been hiding.Could it really be as easy as he said? Could I really come out to my family and still have their love? If not, would being with another man be worth it?Those questions kept turning over and over in my mind on an endless loop. Charlie whined as if to say that he’d still love me and I rewarded him with a belly rub.
An image of Liam’s gentle smile in the cemetery came to my mind and I closed my eyes, clinging to it. Alone in the room, I allowed myself to remember how he smelled and felt held tight against my chest. I wasn’t sure if I was ready to embrace the part of me I kept hidden for so long, but Big Jack’s confession certainly made me feel less alone and had me thinking about my future. Would my future include an impish, hazel-eyed guy who made me feel things I didn’t want to feel?
A FEW DAYSafter the funeral, Chase and I worked the closing shift with another bartender, Trevor, and two waitresses, Hayley and Melissa. I was off my game and had been ever since the funeral. I couldn’t get the sad look in Jack’s eyes out of my mind nor could I vanquish the memory of how his arms felt wrapped around me.
“Customers want refills down at the end of the bar, pretty boy,” Melissa said, breaking into my thoughts. I smiled at her, but it wasn’t my usual megawatt grin and I could tell she noticed by the concern in her light blue eyes. “Are you okay, honey?”
“I’m just tired, Mel.”
She reached across the bar to give my arm a gentle squeeze. “Not much longer, hun.”
I pulled my head out of my ass and focused on the job at hand, except every time I looked at Chase I was hit by another wave of guilt that felt like a blow to my solar plexus. I had to bite the bullet and tell Chase the truth; it was the right thing to do. The worst that could happen would’ve been him never speaking to me again. I’d really hate that, because Chase had become a good friend, but not telling him was just plain wrong. I already had to explain to him that I knew he was my brother for almost two years, allowing myself to be welcomed into his home, and never once telling him the truth. What was that well known saying? Something about preparing for the worst, but hoping for the best.
The last few hours went by quickly and soon we were shutting the bar down. I was locked inside my brain while working up my courage to talk to Chase, before I could talk myself out of it and another day went by without him knowing the truth.How should I approach him?Normally, I would’ve been dancing and talking while I cleaned the bar to make the tasks go by quicker, but not that night and it didn’t go unnoticed. Had I been smarter, I would’ve faked it.
“It seems to me that someone is missing his shadow,” Trevor said from the other end of the bar. It took me a few seconds for his words to penetrate my thoughts. I looked down the bar at him and he stuck out his bottom lip in a pout and pretended to wipe tears away from his eyes. He threw in an extra sniffle for effect. I’d never had a problem with Trev before, but I had noticed lately that his normal teasing held a bite to it where it hadn’t before. “The boss man said he’d be back tomorrow.” This was said with a smirk that had me pondering what the fuck was going on with Trevor. Did he have a thing for Jack and saw me as competition? I didn’t think he had anything to worry about if that was his issue. I took a lot of teasing from the crew about the way Jack watched me, but never once had Jack given me any indication that he thought of me as anything other than an employee.
“Okay,” I said nonchalantly. I had far more important things to worry about then Trevor’s potential pissing contest.
“At least you’ve been hit on more while Jack has been away,” Hayley added with a wink. “The big guy really puts a damper on your ability to get a date around here.” There were no passive aggressive elements in Hayley’s words.
“I didn’t see him take anyone up on their offers, though.” Trevor looked away from me and began drying off the glasses so he could put them away. “Why is that, Liam?”
“I didn’t even notice, really.” Which was partially true, because my mind had been mostly elsewhere during Jack’s absence. I wasn’t about to tell Trevor that my mind had wondered to Jack and I found myself worrying about how he was doing and wishing I could somehow take away his pain.
“You never do, sweetie,” Melissa chimed in as she came around the bar with a broom and dustpan. “Someone will have to knock you over the head or snatch you up and plant a kiss on you before you notice their interest.”
“Is this a multiple choice question?” I asked with my first hint of humor that night. “If so, I take the second option.” I blew playful kisses in her direction.
