“Ace, we’re getting really close to the part in the journals where the guys were deployed on D-Day. I’m not sure how graphic the descriptions are going to be and it might trigger a PTSD episode. I want to know their story too, but I don’t want to catch you by surprise. I can sleep on the couch when we get to that part if you’re worried that I might hurt you in my sleep.”
Liam stood up and shoved his chair back so quick that it startled me. I scooted back too and he climbed onto my lap. “Jack,” he said, cupping my face, “I love all of you, not just some of you. If you don’t want to read it then we won’t, but don’t you worry for five seconds that I will somehow view you differently if you were to have a PTSD episode. You have me and Charlie and we’ll help you through it. Tell me what to expect and what to do to help you and I’ll do it.”
“I’m not sure how to explain it, but I’ll try.” I rubbed a hand over my shaved head while I searched for the right words to say. “I can tell you that the dreams feel so real that I can feel the reverberations of the explosions, feel the sand in my face, and smell the blood of my fallen brothers in the air. Sometimes, the events that triggered the episode might get mixed in with the memories I have from war, which gives it a surreal feeling because it combines my past with a recent event, which oddly makes the dreams worse as my brain struggles to separate the events.” Liam looked at me with compassionate eyes. “I shake and sweat violently and sometimes I thrash about. I’ve never shared a bed with someone during an episode, so I don’t know how I’ll react if you touch me. Some men have gotten really violent and have woken up to find themselves choking their loved ones. Ace, I don’t want to hurt you. The dreams aren’t as intense as they used to be, therapy and Charlie have worked wonders on me, but I can’t be sure I won’t hurt you.”
“I’m sure, Jack.”
“Okay, but if you wake up to find me in the midst of a night terror, move yourself to safety and let Charlie do his job. Will you promise to do that, Ace?” Liam nodded his agreement. “Let’s do it then.” I pulled him to me for a long, hot kiss. Liam poured us both a glass of wine while I retrieved the journals. I clicked on the gas fireplace and snuggled on the couch with him by my side. “I love you,” I whispered in his hair, “so damn much.” He opened his mouth to repeat the words to me, but I kissed him instead – long and deep. I pulled back slowly and looked at the blissful expression on his face. Liam’s eyelids finally fluttered opened and he gave me the smile I loved so much. “Ready?” He nodded and I opened the journal to where we left off.
April 1944
It’s getting harder and harder to find alone time with Jeremiah as we neared deployment to the European theater of World War II. Last night, we were finally able to find a quiet spot and I made love to him for the first time. It had taken months for us to take the final leap, because we knew there’d be no turning back once we did.
Holding Jeremiah in my arms was the sweetest moment of my life. We were facing so many uncertainties, but all of it felt so far away when I held my soulmate close to my body, when in reality it was only a few weeks away. If I had truly known just how much I stood to lose, I would have held him closer for a lot longer.
Instead, we were afraid of getting caught and the repercussions we faced if that happened. Neither one of us wanted to let go, but we didn’t have a choice unless we wanted to have our lives ruined. In some part of my mind, I had to have known he was slipping away from me, that I was going to lose him forever, but I refused to listen. I wanted it all and I foolishly thought I could find a way to make it happen.
Oh, Jeremiah. I wish I had told you how much I loved you. I thought we had more time. How wrong I was and how sorry I’ve been every damn day of my life.
“Jack.” Liam’s tearful voice pierced through the pain I felt at reading my granddad’s words. Liam curled closer into me and laid his head on my shoulder. I could feel his hot tears soak through my shirt just as I felt my own tears slide down my face.
“I know, Ace.” My heart broke for the two men who loved each other so much, but never said the words. Hell, that could’ve been me without my granddad’s intervention. I can’t imagine how hard life was for gay men back then. It made me so appreciative of the people who fought so hard for the rights that I didn’t even think I wanted to claim. It also furthered my resolve to find Jeremiah at any expense. If he was alive, I wanted him to know just how much Big Jack loved him. It was the least I could do for both of the men. I looked down at Liam in my arms.We, I amended.
That night I held Liam a little closer and fought off sleep a little longer. I couldn’t get my granddad’s heartbreak out of my mind. There wasn’t anything I could really do to fix it and I hated that helpless feeling, but I could live my life in a way that would make my granddad proud. I could claim all the rights that he had been denied, including holding hands with the man I loved while walking down a public street.
IT HAPPENED LIKEhe said it would. He waited about a week before he read further in his granddad’s journal and I knew why he hesitated. He was afraid he’d have an episode and I wouldn’t be able to handle it, regardless of what I said. Probably somewhere in his alpha brain was the fear that I would somehow see him as less of a man while he was in a vulnerable state. Like with all aspects of Jack, I needed to be patient and understanding.
I was sound asleep curled up next to him and was woken by a cold dog nose pressed against my cheek. Charlie could sense what was happening to Jack before he made his first sound of distress. Later, I would marvel about the miracle that Charlie was, but right then I only wanted to help him bring Jack comfort.
I reluctantly removed myself from Jack’s arms, even though they tightened around me, as if he didn’t want to let me go. I had hesitated for a few seconds after Jack tried to pull me back, but Charlie whined softly like he was pleading with me. I promised Jack that I would move out of the way and let Charlie do his job and that is what I hesitantly did. I kneeled on the bed and watched as Charlie moved beside Jack on the bed.
I watched helplessly as Jack began to mumble in his sleep; his words were indecipherable, but the rawness of his voice told me that he was in a dark, scary place. The mumbling was followed by trembling as a layer of sweat began to cover his skin. Tears ran unchecked down my face because I wanted to go to him, to comfort him, but I had promised him that I wouldn’t. He was more afraid of hurting me than he was of revisiting his own personal hell. Jack asked me to stay back and let Charlie do his thing, so I did.
Charlie began to nudge Jack’s neck with his nose and whine; it wasn’t Charlie’s normal whine – it was deeper in tone and seriousness, but not a growl. He pressed his body tight against Jack’s and continued to nudge and whine until Jack was finally still and quiet. I wondered what it was about Charlie that could safely rouse him from a night terror when the touch of a human could be perceived as a potential threat. It was just another mystery about how the brain worked and how it processed stimuli. Whatever the reason, I was so grateful for Charlie.
“Good boy, Charlie.” Jack’s voice was thick with sleep and distress as he scratched his dog’s ears. “Best boy ever.” Then he looked over at me. It was hard to make out his expression with nothing to light the bedroom but his digital alarm clock. I desperately needed to know he was okay. Charlie had done his part and then it was my turn. Charlie jumped off the bed and exited the room with awoofas if he was proud of himself or maybe it was a doggy version of an eye roll because he knew what was going to happen next.
“Hi,” I said softly as I tentatively straddled Jack’s lean hips. “Are you okay?”
Jack raised a hand and gently wiped away my tears. “I’m better than okay.” I saw him swallow hard in the dim light before he spoke again. “Will you shower with me? I want to wash the remnants of the dream away.” He wouldn’t have to ask me twice.
I took the soap out of his hand once we were beneath the hot spray in his shower. Washing away the sweat and the lingering pieces of his dream were things I could do for him. I lovingly soaped and rinsed his entire body before he spoke again.
“The nightmares aren’t as severe now.” Jack pulled me against him and held me tight. My body reacted to his closeness and the slick glide of water on his skin, but I ignored it. “Thanks to therapy and Charlie, I am able to handle them so much better. Now I have you. It’s a wonderful feeling to know that you’ve seen me at my most vulnerable and aren’t afraid or disgusted.” Hot, intense eyes looked at me with such naked adoration that I could barely breathe.
“You do have me and I was never afraid or disgusted. All I wanted to do was help you, even if that meant doing nothing while Charlie worked his magic.” The mood had started to shift in the shower from somber to sensual as the reality of willing, naked flesh made its presence known. I gave him a wicked grin seconds before I kissed him and let my hands slide around to cup his firm ass cheeks. “And, I will do anything to make you feel good right now.”
“Anything?” He cocked a brow and offered me a suggestive smile. He started backing me up until my back was almost against the wall.
“Anything,” I affirmed.
“Let’s play, shall we?” The wickedness in his eyes should have worried me a little, but I knew I was safe with him. Jack would never hurt me, but I couldn’t help but wonder what he was planning. He captured my mouth in a hot, possessive kiss and completely obliterated my train of thought. “I love you,” he whispered hotly against my lips after he broke our kiss for air. “I’m not sure how I deserve a man like you, but I promise you that I won’t take the gift of you for granted. I know I’m not always what you need me to be, but I’ll continue to try harder. Iwillget there, Ace.”
I saw his arm move in my peripheral vision, but I was too lost in his eyes to give it much thought. “I love you too. We’ll get there together, babe.” Those words of love rolled off my tongue naturally and were always met by his radiant smile. This time they were met with a jet of hot water spraying my ass. I wasn’t prepared and I jumped in surprise, which quickly turned into lust when Jack gripped my ass, spreading my cheeks wide so that jet could massage my hole.
“Too much? I can adjust the pressure if it’s hurting you.”
“Mmmm, Not too much.” It was surprising and nothing I had ever thought about before, but it was very sexy. Jack reached behind me with one hand and maneuvered the nozzle so that it teased up and down my crack, before he left it aimed at my rear entrance and placed his hand back on my ass.
