“The baby’s head goes in there and then you wrap the towel around them. They’re so soft,” he said as he ran his hand over one that looked like a pale yellow duck. “Towels and washcloths are on her list,” he added with a wink. He added a ducky set and a baby elephant. “Jacob loves bath time so much and he has several of these.” There was no disguising how much he wanted a baby of his own. His best friend, Ava, and her husband had a baby about two months ago. Brandon and Ava named Chase and Gray little Jacob’s godparents and it was a role that they took very seriously.
“You and Gray are going to be awesome dads someday.” I gave his shoulder a quick squeeze before we headed to the next section of the baby mega store. “Last week, my ex-boyfriend showed up at the bar and caused some trouble.”
“Whoa.” Chase followed up his one word response with a low whistle. “Is the guy still among the living?”
“Yes,” I said, then snickered. “Jack’s caveman reaction was fucking hot though.”
“I bet.” Chase grinned wryly. “Did you argue or something?” I felt myself blush all over as I recalled what happened afterwards. “Or something.” Chase couldn’t keep the laughter out of his voice when he answered his own question after looking at my face. “So that isn’t what is bothering you then.”
“No.” I took a deep breath. “I felt nothing when I saw Kenner at the bar. His pleading eyes and attempt at a seductive smile didn’t affect me at all. His appearance was actually cathartic.”
Chase’s brow lowered in confusion. “So what did happen that’s caused you to question things?”
Was I questioning things?I was completely in love with Jack. I had spent every free moment with him these past few weeks, regardless of the few hiccups, and it felt fucking amazing. So, was I questioning things? This felt more like needing to vent my fears rather than doubting my feelings.
“Not really questioning,” I finally replied. “This is just my first real relationship and this is his first with another guy, so we’re stumbling…”
“What? Wait a second,” Chase said interrupting me. “Are you telling me that Jack has never been in a relationship with a guy before you and that you’re his...?”
“…first. Yes.” The last word was said barely above a whisper, as if someone I knew was lurking around the baby furniture section of the store.
Chase moved closer to me and lowered his voice. “First, as in sex or just boyfriend?”
“Both.” Chase’s eyebrows disappeared into his hairline. I felt terrible discussing Jack like that, but I needed to talk to someone.
“Jack never dated publicly or picked anyone one up in all the time that I have known him. I didn’t really know which way he swung until I saw him watching you like a hawk. Then I just figured he was super private about his love life.”
“He tried to deny that side of himself. He thought he could push it aside and be who he thought others wanted him to be. He realized differently sometime after his grandfather died and made his move. He’s come out to his family and friends, but there still some hesitation on his part. I find myself wanting to reach for him in public, but I’m afraid he’ll reject me. It happened once,” I said, recalling the few awkward moments outside of Bevan’s office before he planted a big kiss on me. “Then we talked about it and he did really good for a while, but he’s back to being a little standoffish when we’re together outside of his loft or in the company of people.” I blew out a frustrated breath. There, I said how I felt and the world didn’t end.
“What people?” I could tell Chase was thinking of all the gay people that Jack knew and scratching his head over why Jack would feel uncomfortable.
“His former fiancé.”
He stopped the cart in the middle of the aisle and gave me a hug. “What happened?”
“She showed up at the bar earlier this week. She’d heard through the grapevine that he came out and she wanted to be supportive.” I relived in my mind the bits and pieces of the conversation that happened when I was around. “She was very sweet and beautiful. It was obvious that they had once loved each other, but it was also obvious that Jack wasn’t everinlove with her. He didn’t look at her the way he looks at me.”
“So why so glum? Did he deny your relationship or something?”
“Not glum, really,” I replied. “It’s just an introspection thing that I have going on.” I turned to face my brother, not caring who was around at this point. I just needed to get it off my chest. “He introduced me as his boyfriend. Kristen gave me a big hug and told us what a beautiful couple we made. I was all smiles and happiness and Jack didn’t have much to say in reply. He didn’t reach for me physically and it felt so damn awkward, his body language gave off a strange vibe. Look,” I blew out a shaky breath, “I made it really clear to him that I wouldn’t go back to being someone’s dirty secret and he listened to me. He put a lot on the line for me – us – but, there’s still a wall or something in the way.”
“He doesn’t like being affectionate in front of people, is that what you’re saying?”
“Yes, it makes me wonder if he was like that with Kristen. Has he always had a no PDA rule or is it just with me? He says he’s not ashamed of me and that he just needs time to adjust. He told me that twenty years of hiding isn’t erased overnight.” I remembered his pleading green eyes right after he kissed me in public, but it was done out of fear. He was afraid he hurt me, which he did, and he was worried he was going to ruin our budding relationship. I wanted him to be the one to reach for me; I needed him to kiss me out of want, not fear.
“Honestly, Jack doesn’t strike me as the handholding type. Maybe it’s a little bit of both – fear and genuine dislike of PDA’s. You won’t know anything until you talk to him about it. Trust me, Liam. You want to talk to him when things are bothering you instead of letting them fester.” Chase laughed dryly and I couldn’t imagine what he found funny.
“What are you laughing about?”
“I’m a little embarrassed to admit this out loud, but prior to meeting Gray and learning what love was about, I would’ve told you to run from Jack.” Chase laughed at himself some more.
“Why?”
“Oh, let’s just say that my insecurities and low self-esteem had me running from anyone I thought might also be interested in women.” Chase’s face was screwed up into an embarrassed grimace. “It wasn’t because I didn’t love women, because I adore them. In fact, women were the only ones I could count on in my life as a child and young adult. The last thing I wanted to do was compete with them over a guy’s attention. I felt inadequate if I found out a man was also attracted to women. It was truly stupid logic and I learned after falling in love with Gray that if someone really loves you and wants to be with you then there won’t be any competition, regardless of who they are sexually attracted to.”
“You didn’t think you were enough to hold a bisexual man’s interest? That’s a very common misconception about bisexual people, that they can’t be monogamous.” I was surprised to hear my brother talk about being insecure, when he always came across as so confident.
“I knew at a very early age that I wanted a family. I wanted a husband, kids, family pet, and the fenced backyard. I wanted what I did not have growing up. I was terrified of giving my heart to someone who would make me believe those things were possible for us, but wouldn’t stick around when creating our family became difficult.” Chase exhaled sharply.
