I sat there at my dining table staring at the change of address card that I picked up from the post office for the longest time. I had filled it out and all it needed was Gabe’s signature to make it official. Was I basing my decision to ask Gabe to move in with me on genuine affection or fear? There was no doubt in my mind how much I loved Gabe, but there was still that nagging fear that Gabe would wake up one day, look at me, and wonder what the hell he was doing with me. It was a demon I had to battle on my own because Gabe had never given me a reason to believe that he wanted anyone else. I was his Sunshine.
Then I had to question: was having a healthy dose of uncertainty a bad thing? Wasn’t it good that I didn’t take Gabe and our relationship for granted or was it arrogant to believe that he could never find someone else? When did a healthy dose of uncertainty turn into something dangerous to a person’s psyche? What was the right balance of being confident that your man loved you without strutting around like an ignorant peacock? I had seen confident people’s relationships fail just as I had for the insecure ones. Why? I felt it was because the proper compromises weren’t met. I wasn’t just talking about food and television choices, but personality compromises. Opposites attracted, there was no doubt about it, but it took a lot of effort to make those relationships work.
Gabe was worth putting in the time–we were worth putting in the time. I needed be sure he felt the same way before I made such a big leap. I found myself evaluating things for so long that I didn’t realize it was time to open the salon until Meredith came upstairs and found me staring at the form. Hell, I didn’t even do my preopen inspection of the salon to make sure it was perfect for our clients.
Meredith sat across from me and reached for my hand. “He is madly in love with you, Josh.”
“I know that he is,” I replied.Now,is the part I left out.
“You’re just worried that it’s too soon or are you afraid that you’re ready and he’s not?” she asked softly.
“Both,” I replied honestly. “Mere, it’ll suck hairy balls if I tell him I want him to move in or I ask him to and he says no.” She shook her head like she didn’t see it happening. One minute I agreed with her then the next I was right back to having my doubts cast a huge shadow over my confidence.
“I know that you’ll find the right words, way, and time to bring it up with Gabe. Even if he says he isn’t ready it doesn’t mean that he never will be,” she reminded me. I nodded my head in agreement then she asked, “Ready to get your day going?”
I folded up the completed change of address card and put it in my back pocket to remind me of a decision I wanted and needed to make on a future I wanted and needed to have with Gabe. I picked up Savage’s cage and followed Meredith down the steps. I expected him to spew filth, but instead he said, “Big Daddy loves me.” I giggled because Gabe had been working to clean up Savage’s language and those four little words reminded me how much Gabe wanted to be a part of my life.
“He sure does, Dirty Bird,” I told Savage, as if he knew what the fuck I was saying.
The decision was made, just like that. If I hadn’t been sure, then the list of songs the radio played that day would’ve convinced me to take a chance, to put love first.Holy fuck,I was starting to sound like one of those fortune cookie messages.
That day, something happened that never did. I had a cancellation.Gasp!Less confident stylists might’ve panicked and worried that the end was near, but I accepted it for what it was–a client with the flu. I was actually grateful for a little bit of extra time to treat myself to a delicious lunch at the diner.
Oddly, it didn’t feel right going there without Gabe, even though I’d gone there without him for twenty-eight years and only a few months with him. I was starting to feel that way about several places, most importantly the place I lay my head down each night. I could quiver in my shoes and worry what would happen when Gabe left me or I could accept that he was in it for the long haul and take the next step to show him that I was too.
My early morning decision was reaffirmed and I was starved to death. I had just ordered a plate of meatloaf, Brussel sprouts, and baked macaroni and cheese when I was joined by an uninvited, but not altogether unwelcomed, guest. “What’s up, Doc?”
“A whole lot of nothing much,” Kyle said, taking a seat across from me.
I don’t know where it came from or why I couldn’t stop the words from spilling from my mouth, but I blurted out, “Were you aware that Gabe didn’t know I cut your hair?”
“I’m not at all surprised,” Kyle said. The crooked grin on his face told me he wasn’t too upset about it, but I felt terrible. It sounded like I was rubbing it in. “We didn’t connect the way you two did, not even in the beginning when things were new.” Kyle tipped his head and said, “He showed more passion with you in that parking lot kiss then he ever did with me.”
I knew his receptionist told him all about the kiss Gabe planted on me in his parking lot, but Kyle sounded like he saw it with his own eyes. “How do you know?”
“Outside camera,” he replied. “Alyssa told me about the hot kiss, but I thought she was exaggerating so I had to see it for myself.”Wow, there was no way in hell I could watch a video of Gabe kissing someone else.It just went to show that they weren’t meant for one another.
“You thought she was exaggerating because I wasn’t his type?” I asked.
“No, because I had never witnessed the passion from Gabe that Alyssa described seeing. It’s true,” he said when I just kept staring at him like I had to be dreaming the conversation. “I can tell by your expression that lack of passion isn’t a problem you have with Gabe. I could also see the difference in him when he was with you in that video. You light up his entire world and let me tell you something, Josh, there isn’t a thing about you he wouldn’t notice or a place you could hide that he wouldn’t find you.”
“Wow,” I said softly.
“I want that for myself someday,” he said wistfully, then quickly added, “a relationship, but not with Gabe.”
“I knew what you meant.” I debated if I should say something to encourage him to ask a certain guy I knew out. I didn’t want to do anything to embarrass my friend and I didn’t know Kyle well enough to know how he’d receive it. I mean, it was much easier to dole out advice than to accept it. I went with, “You know, you’ll never find that relationship if you don’t take some chances.”
Kyle tilted his head as if he was giving my suggestion merit. “True,” he said noncommittally. “Anyway, I got to run, but I’ll see you around.”
Kyle left and I enjoyed my lunch in peace, grateful that people stopped losing their shit when I ordered something different than what I normally would on any given day. I bought two pieces of chocolate silk pie to go so I could have a celebration dessert with Gabe later then headed back to the salon.
The weather was a balmy thirty-eight degrees when I had left for lunch so I decided to walk. I heard someone calling my name and turned to find Laura Sampson running to catch up to me.Great!First I ran into the ex of my current love and then I ran into the current love of my first crush.
“Thanks for waiting for me,” Laura said breathlessly once she caught me. “Can you give me a few minutes of your time? I’ve been meaning to stop by the salon or call you.”
“I’m glad you didn’t stop by the salon because I don’t discuss my personal life there,” I told her, but not in a harsh way.
“You just talk about everyone else’s,” she fired back. She waved her hand to cut me off when I opened my mouth to respond to her allegation. “I know that you don’t act like that, Josh. I’m sorry. I’m just…”
