I had called to check on him the days that followed, but he either didn’t respond or his answer was the same, “I’m fine.”He made it clear that he didn’t want to talk to me about the situation, which only made me worry about him more. I didn’t push him because I knew I would lose any ground I had made with him, which I suspected was very little.
He let me hold him tight against my chest and comfort him until the police officers arrived on the scene, but he rejected the hug I tried to give him when I left his house that night. I had wanted to ask him to come home with me, but I could tell by the look in his eyes that the answer would’ve been no, even if I promised to sleep on the couch.
Damn, the guy drove me nuts. There had to be someone out there that I was attracted toanddidn’t drive me crazy. Okay, what I felt for Josh was more than the garden variety attraction, but my concept was right. I just needed to talk myself into looking for that other person, but hell, I wasn’t ready to give up on Josh yet.
Dinner was a frozen square of lasagna that took forever to bake in the oven, a bowl of salad, and ice cold beer while I watched college football on my big screen TV. It wasn’t an exciting evening by any stretch, but it was peaceful, if not lonely. I thought about Josh’s pets and wondered if maybe I should get a fur buddy of my own. I felt content in my life at the moment, but I wouldn’t go so far as say that I was happy.
I looked around my living room and tried to see it as a stranger would. I saw oversized, non-descript brown furniture surrounding a large glass coffee table that I ate my dinners on nightly. My TV was the most predominant piece of furniture in the room, taking up a huge portion of the living room wall. I had CDs and DVDs sitting on my bookshelves – no decorations or pictures of my family. I didn’t have art on my walls or throw pillows on my couch to accent the curtains. My bedroom was just as nondescript. I had a large, comfortable bed, a chest of drawers situated across from my bed with a TV on top, and two bedside tables. Hell, even my bedding was a boring navy blue with white pinstripes.It sure looked good against Josh’s fair skin though.
Josh’s house was completely opposite in every way. I could tell he spent a lot of time making each room look nice, yet comfortable at the same time. His house wasn’t like my grandmother’s where everything was for looks only. We were afraid to sit on her furniture or breathe near her fancy hand towels in the downstairs guest bathroom. It wasn’t pleasant spending time there as a kid or even as an adult. Josh’s living space was warm and inviting, not fussy.
I went to bed once the game was over. I told myself I had done enough self-reflection for one evening but couldn’t seem to shut my brain down when I climbed between the sheets. It was the same thing that happened to me every time I ran into Josh. The emotions had changed a bit over the past few months, but I was basically still baffled when it came to him. He was an exotic animal I wanted to pet but feared it might bite me, hard.
I was chuckling at my inner musings when I heard a pitiful whining sound coming from outside. It sounded like an unhappy dog was right below my bedroom window. The mournful whining became a hopeless howl and tugged at my heart. The temperature was supposed to reach the freezing point and then the rain would turn to ice. It was not fit for man or beast out there, which was why I got dressed, put on my coat, and went outside to get the dog.
I found it just below my window like I suspected. It looked at me so woefully when I rounded the corner, as if he was afraid of me but realized I was his only hope on a night like that. I felt a strong tug on my heart and squatted down to its level so that I’d look less threatening.
“Come here, pooch,” I said in the softest, non-threatening voice I could muster. “I’m not going to hurt you, buddy.” I extended my hand out and the dog hung its head for a few seconds before slowly walking toward me. I didn’t reach out to pick the dog up because I wasn’t sure how scared it was and I didn’t want to get bitten. The shaking could’ve been from being scared or the cold, but I suspected it was both. “I have a warm towel and some lunchmeat with your name all over it.” I rose to my feet and started walking backwards. I coaxed him with my hands until we were both in the house and out of the cold rain.
The dog shook all over, sending rain and mud all over my foyer. It eyed me cautiously and I wondered what kind of hell the weary animal had been through. “Hmmmm, let’s get you a snack and then we’ll get you cleaned off in a warm bath.” My new friend cocked his head to the side when I said bath, as if it knew what the word meant.
I gave the dog a few pieces of ham and then coaxed it into the bathroom. I discovered during bath time that I was working with a boy dog. He looked grateful that he was getting clean when I lathered and rinsed him twice. Once I was finished, I checked him over for wounds and was pleased to find none.
He was a pretty boy and looked to be a mix of shepherd and lab. I hadn’t seen him in the neighborhood before and wondered how far he had traveled. I toweled him off really good and took him back downstairs to get a bit more to eat and a bowl of water. I didn’t have a dog bowl so I used a mixing bowl that my mom bought me on the off chance that I would bake. It was like she didn’t even know me sometimes.
“I’ll hang up some posters and see if I can find your family since you’re not wearing a collar,” I told him while I got out an old comforter from my closet and laid it on my bedroom floor for him as a bed. He tipped his head to the side as if he understood what I said and the sad look on his face made me feel like his family no longer wanted him. It was hard for me to imagine since he was such a beautiful dog, but people tossed aside beautiful things all the time. Josh appeared in my mind just then and I realized that he too could fit into that category.
I pointed to the dog’s bed and said, “Lie down, buddy. It’s time for bed. Tomorrow is a new day and we’ll figure out what to do.” The dog surprisingly lay down like I commanded - well, after doing the three spin move that dogs are known for.
I climbed in bed and tried to shut my brain down so I could get some rest. I told my brain not to conjure up images of Josh or I’d never get to sleep. It didn’t listen, so I lay awake for quite some time. My new friend must’ve thought I drifted off to sleep because he boldly jumped on the foot of my bed and made himself at home. He let out a relieved sigh and then soft snores drifted up from the foot of my bed.
Instead of thinking about Josh, I began to think up names for my new dog. I had a strong feeling his owner wasn’t coming forward and there was no way I was dropping him off at a shelter. No fucking way. Bandit. “What do you think about Bandit?” I asked the sleeping dog. He raised his head up and looked over at me. The dog would’ve shrugged if it were a possibility. “Okay, I’ll keep thinking.” After a few more minutes I asked, “Roscoe?” That time he didn’t even acknowledge me. He just snored louder. “No go,” I said, then yawned as sleep finally moved in. “I’ll figure something out tomorrow.”
I woke up the next morning and the dog was no longer by my feet, but was instead, lying beside me with his head on the spare pillow. “Listen, buddy,” I said, “I’m hoping to reserve that pillow for a human.” The dog wagged his tail when I said “buddy” and I realized that would be his name.
“Buddy?” I questioned just to be sure. That time the tail wagging was accompanied by a doggy kiss on the side of my face. The dog had a name and I had a companion. It was a great way to start off a Sunday.
PEOPLE WOULD OFTEN SEEmy bold color choices for my clothes or the colored streak I’d sometimes wear in my hair and figured I was a spontaneous, exciting person. In reality, I liked consistency and routines because I could always count on them. That hadn’t always been my experience in my late teens and early 20s. The things I thought would happen didn’t and it left me spinning with feelings of disappointment and disillusionment. People would let you down, but routines could be counted on.
For example, on Sundays I would always go to Brook’s Pets to get whatever supplies I needed for my fur babies after a leisurely cup of coffee and a pastry from The Brew. That morning, I sat at my usual table and noticed a flyer hanging up on the window about a lost dog that had been found. It had a picture of the pooch and a phone number where the owners could call and claim their dog.
My heart kicked up several notches when I recognized the pattern of tile on the kitchen floor and the phone number. Although I only dialed it once, I thought about calling and texting that number on several occasions. Only memories of past hurts kept me from dialing Detective Hung Dick’s number, even to thank him for saving my life. I would’ve baked him cookies, but we just would’ve ended up fucking again and I couldn’t let that happen.
I found myself staring at the flyer and smiling at the thought of Gabe taking the time to print and hang them up around town. I wondered if he really wanted the owners to come forward or if he was just doing the right thing. The dog sure looked happy to be in Gabe’s kitchen.
I got the answer to my question when I walked into Brook’s and found Gabe studying the display of collars, harnesses, and leashes very carefully. I should’ve just picked up the things I needed and got the hell out of there because he was so focused on making good choices for his new friend that he didn’t know I was there. Yet, I stood there and watched how the sun brought out golden caramel streaks in his dark hair. I knew how soft that hair felt between my fingers and…
No! Not going there now or ever.It was a one-time thing and I didn’t want it to happen again. Okay, I wanted it very badly, but I wouldn’tallowit to happen. Still, I stood silently and observed until he picked up a leather studded collar and harness combo and smirked. I could not, would not, pass up an opportunity like that.
I approached him stealthily and once I was standing directly behind him I said, “I didn’t take you for a leather daddy.” I couldn’t help but laugh at the shocked look on his face when he looked over his shoulder. Was it because I startled him or was it because I actually sought him out? I got the ball rolling so why stop? I leaned forward and lowered my voice so only he could hear. “Do you have a dungeon in your basement?”
Gabe hung up the studded items and turned to face me full on. He leaned in until his lips were nearly touching my ear. I fought off a shiver that wanted to ripple its way through my body due to his nearness, but I think he knew the effect he had on me. “Do you want me to?”
Did I? No!I wasn’t really into that kind of thing. I mean if he wanted to spank me a little or…No, no, no!“It’s not my thing,” I replied after I pretended to ponder his question. I must not have sounded too convincing because his lips tilted up into a crooked, wicked smile as if he was picturing me tied down and… I commanded my brain to cease and desist immediately. “What are you doing here?” I asked as if I didn’t just see the flyer at the coffee shop. Not like I was going to confess I had his kitchen tile and phone number memorized.
“There was a dog whimpering outside my bedroom window last night in the pouring rain. I couldn’t just leave him out there so I brought him in, bathed him, and gave him something to eat to tide him over until I could get him some legitimate dog food. I have no idea what I’m doing here. You’d think after dating a vet that I’d…”
He let his sentence fade away as if he thought bringing up Kyle would upset me. I already knew he moved here to be with Kyle and that their relationship ended a year later; it was a very small town after all. Knowing and liking wasn’t the same thing though. I didn’t like picturing him with Kyle and I refused to think about why.
