“Live and learn,” I said out loud.
I began dreaming of Gabe and what could’ve been that night and the several nights that followed. Thoughts of him haunted me during my time in Florida and overshadowed what could’ve been a lovely trip. My dreams were so realistic, more so than the ones I had about the guy who tried to kill me in my bedroom. I heard his voice, saw his face, and felt his touch so vibrantly that I would wake up and expect to find him beside me. In many ways, shattered dreams of hope were far worse than scary dreams.
I knew my mother sensed I was going through something, but she surprisingly didn’t pester me until I came clean. Maybe she realized that this heartache was so much stronger than any I’d felt before and I needed more time. Whatever her reason, I was grateful for the reprieve.
I was thrilled to see how happy and active my folks were in their retirement community. It seemed like they had plans every single night with their friends and I didn’t want my unplanned visit to ruin them. The downside to that was that I had a lot of time on my hands to think. I replayed and relived every single second of my argument with Gabe until I thought I would lose my mind.
Yes, he said hurtful things to me, but I knew in my heart that he was not a cruel person. After enough time passed, my wounded heart allowed me to acknowledge the regret I had seen in his eyes when he realized how deep his words cut me. I began to think that maybe I overreacted and should’ve given him the opportunity to apologize instead of throwing him out.
I wanted to call him or text him, but the fear that I had pushed him too far paralyzed me. How much forgiveness could one guy have? I was afraid to find out so I thought it would be best for me to leave things alone and move forward without him. That was easy to do when I was over a thousand miles away from him. I knew I would struggle with moving on from him a lot more when I returned home.
I just kept praying to whomever was listening to help me avoid running into him until I felt stronger in my conviction that we were better apart than together. It seemed like they were honoring my request until I dropped by The Brew to get a peppermint flavored hot chocolate the Sunday after I returned home from Florida. I had placed my drink order and even added a few sugar cookies that were decorated to look like snowmen when I felt his presence. I fucking hated that he still had that effect on me, even though I gave my heart and body strict instructions to ignore him.
Don’t look. Don’t look.Of course, I looked and hated myself for it afterward. Gabe was sitting at a table drinking coffee and eating pastries with Kyle. He looked so cozy and happy to be with him that I honestly felt ill. I was once again reminded that I was probably nothing more than a distraction for him while he and Kyle worked through their problems. It looked like they were once again a happy couple from the way they sat smiling at one another.
The barista called my name to give me my order just then and Gabe looked away from Kyle in search of me. I turned my head before his eyes could connect with mine because I couldn’t face him yet. It was too soon; I was too raw. I ended up leaving the shop without my hot chocolate and cookies but I didn’t care. I needed to get as far away from him as fast as I could.
I would’ve ran home if it didn’t look so cowardly. I settled for a brisk powerwalk and was proud of the distance I had made when I heard Gabe call my name.Don’t stop. Don’t stop.Of course I stopped and turned to look at him. His long legs ate up the distance between us and he stood in front of me in a blink of an eye.
“You forgot your hot chocolate and cookies.” I looked away from his dark, mesmerizing eyes and saw that he held my hot chocolate in one hand and bag of cookies in the other. “Um, you also forgot your car.” He tipped his head backwards and sure enough there was my Mini where I had parked her. In my haste to get away from him, I had forgotten that I’d driven to The Brew instead of walked.
“Fuck!” My humiliation had hit an all new low.
“Josh, can we please talk?” Gabe asked. Damn those puppy dog eyes of his.
“Gabe, I really don’t think we have much to talk about,” I told him, trying so hard to hold on to my anger and disappointment that he had turned out just the way I thought he would. I was a fool to think that he missed me like I did him and was glad I hadn’t made a fool of myself by reaching out to him while I was away.
“Okay, how about I talk and you listen,” he suggested. “I’ll try really hard not to insult you with every word that comes out of my mouth.”
“Every other word,” I said, giving him a little bit of slack. I took my hot chocolate and bag of goodies from him and walked to my car. I opened the passenger door and put my drink in the holder and laid the cookies in the seat before I shut the door and turned back to face him.
I expected him to say something but instead he cupped his hands around the back of my neck and pulled me to him for a kiss. I wanted to be disgusted by the taste of him on my tongue, but I wasn’t. I should’ve pushed him away, but instead I melted against him. My brain screameddanger,but my heart was so happy that we were in his arms again. Damn, I had missed his mouth. Gabe pulled back after too short of a kiss. “I’ve really missed you, Josh. I’m sorry for the hurtful things I said to you. I truly am.”
“You didn’t look like it,” I said, trying to grasp onto any reason to not let him back in my life. His words, his kiss, and the heat from his body was making me weak. “You looked kind of cozy with Doctor Dimples.” Gabe’s lips quirked up into a crooked smile over the nickname I gave Kyle.
“We just showed up this morning at the same time, both of us commiserating over the fact that the guys we want don’t want us in return.” He grabbed hold of the thin beard covering my chin and tugged. “I think listening to his woes was the first time I smiled since you threw me out of your salon. He’s an even bigger idiot than I am.”
“I think I should be the judge of that,” I replied. A wild thought occurred to me and I tried to stomp it down, but instead I heard myself ask, “What are you doing for dinner tonight?”
“Are you inviting me to Sunday dinner?” He looked so hopeful that I couldn’t resist him.
“I guess I am.” I also knew that I’d be fixing country fried steak and all the fixings instead of the pork roast I originally planned.
“What time and what can I bring?”
“Six o’clock and just bring yourself.” His smile nearly blinded me and I hated to say anything that would cause it to dim, but I had to make it very clear how I felt. “Gabe, I’ve worked very hard to get where I am in life now. I seldom let people close enough to hurt me, but I made an exception with you. I don’t ever give second chances so please don’t make me regret this.”
“I won’t.” He looked so confident, so sure.
“Don’t be late for dinner,” I warned him.
“I won’t.”
I raised up and kissed his lips softly, surprising the hell out of both of us. I didn’t know what it was about him that made me want to throw caution out the window. It didn’t work out so well the first time and I had no guarantee it would work better a second time. I just knew I’d regret it for the rest of my life if I didn’t at least try.
IHAD ALL AFTERNOONto get worked up over having Sunday dinner at Josh’s house with his friends, who were more like family to him. I knew it was a big fucking deal to get the invite and I didn’t want to do anything to blow it. He was giving me another chance and that was an even bigger fucking deal. I was terrified of screwing it up. No one had ever made me as nervous as Josh Roman – not even dangerous felons. I didn’t even know what that meant, but I knew I had to find out. I was a moth to his bright, burning flame.
Buddy’s head was cocked to the side as he studied me from his end of the couch. He must’ve sensed my inner turmoil because he lay down and placed his head across my thigh in an attempt to give me comfort. I dropped my hand to scratch his ears and felt calm descend over my frazzled nerves. It was easy to see why they brought pets into hospitals to visit with patients.
