IPROVED MY POINTto Mark, but it well and truly backfired in my face. Over the next few weeks, I kept my appointments with my escorts, but I didn’t find them nearly as stimulating as the first guy who looked so much like a younger version of the man I’d become obsessed with all over again. I easily pounded that guy for hours because on his knees I could convince myself it was Mark’s ass that squeezed my dick so snugly. I never wanted to use the same escort twice, and with Vanessa’s service, I didn’t have to worry about it.
The distance between Mark and me grew until we didn’t even talk unless it was specifically about work. Long gone were the easy talks about baseball scores or what we thought about the Chargers’ new draft picks. He looked through me as if he hated me when he cast his eyes in my direction. I began to hate myself, but I was too stubborn and too stupid to stop the runaway ride I set us on.
After the third week, Mark took matters into his own hands. He rode to work with me on that sunny Monday morning like he did every day, but this time I knew something serious was going to happen when he willingly followed me to my office rather than retreat to his own until I called for him.
I sat down behind my desk in my plush chair and hid my hands out of his view so that he wouldn’t see the slight tremble in them. The burning in the pit of my stomach told me what he was going to say and I hated what I had allowed to happen to us.Allow?Hell, Icreatedthe fucking mess.
It felt like I watched in slow motion as Mark reached inside his pocket and pulled out an envelope. He laid it on my desk in front of me and stood still as a statue while I could do nothing but stare at it. I cleared my throat in an attempt to keep all emotion out of my voice when I said, “I won’t accept it.”
“You don’t even know what’s inside and I’m not really giving you an option, Mitch. You will accept the contents in the envelope without a fight. Go ahead and open it now so we can get the discussion that’s guaranteed to follow out of the way and get on with our day.” His voice was firm and unwavering.
I blew out a frustrated breath and pulled the contents of the envelope out and laid them on my desk. The first thing I saw was a cashier’s check for $10,000 to cover the cost of Duncan’s appearance at the police precinct. I looked up at him and he read the question in my eyes.
“I’ve been really good at stretching my pennies my entire life and I didn’t want the burden of this money hanging over my head, especially after you’ve read the letter.” He nodded to the folded piece of paper that I knew without reading was his resignation. I fucked up in a huge way and if I didn’t make it right, I’d regret it for the rest of my life.
“I won’t accept your resignation, Mark. I won’t.” I shook my head emphatically, not caring if I looked like a spoiled child.
“It’s not up to you to accept it,” he replied harshly. “I’ve given you two weeks to find a replacement and then I’ll be gone, regardless of your wishes. Believe it or not, Mitch, this world doesn’t really revolve aroundyouandyour needs.”
“If this is about my meeting with the escorts then I can…”
“Oh no. I wouldn’t dream of asking you to curtail your fucking on my account, Mitch. It’s not my place, but I’ll be honest and say that I have no desire to be present and overhear it three times a week. That’s not the only reason though,” Mark said.
“Then what?”
“I’m not happy in this position. At first I was, because I was happy to spend time with you again. It’s not enough though.” Mark ran his hand through his hair in frustration.Not anymore,was the part he left out, perhaps to save my feelings. “I need to be more than a guy who sits behind a desk and waits to go with you to meetings. Yes, I also have a security team to supervise, but for the most part I’m overqualified for this job.”
“Have you found another job then?” I suspected he had, but did he go out looking or did the job come to him? I imagined someone with his skills was always in need, after all, that’s how I found him.
“I’ve been contacted by one of the guys in my unit who owns a security company that offers protection services for high risk targets. Maybe even do rescue and recovery work overseas.”
“No!” My response was nearly a shout and it took us both by surprise. I softened my voice before I continued. “You’ve put your life on the line enough for your country, Mark. Just because it’s hard to adapt to civilian life doesn’t mean you can’t. Let someone else step up and place themselves in front of terrorists, bombs, and bullets.” I hadn’t felt a fear come over me like that since I was removed from Howard and Dorey’s home. “We can work this out, Mark. I can…”
“It’s over, Mitch. It’s just not working and yes, I honestly have to say that a big part of that reason is the lovers you rub in my face. I know what I told you in the car that morning hurt your feelings, but I think you went overboard with your payback. To expect me to listen to you fuck for hours seems cruel even to someone who’s grown as shallow and callous as you.” Mark stuffed both hands in his pockets, rocked back on his heels, and looked up to the ceiling as if taking a moment to search for the right words.
“Telling you ‘no’ this past year wasn’t because I didn’t want you, Mitch. I’ve wanted you more than I should, but I’m not offering up the kinds of services you need. I don’t want to be just another of your one-and-dones. I figured once I got out of the Marines I’d find a guy and start the next phase of my life, but it didn’t happen. Then Jackson’s phone call and lunch setup reunited us and I wondered if there was a legitimate reason for never meeting anyone else. It didn’t take me long to see that you only wanted sex with me. I’ve had clandestine fucks for sixteen years in the military and I’m over those, Mitch.”
His words shocked me and angered me all at the same time. If he’d given me a reason to believe we could have something between us there never would have been escorts. He pushed me away time and time again, so how was I to know? Hell, I had kept my sexual activities down to almost nil because I wanted him so much. When I did give in to desire, it was discreet and never under his nose. He pushed me over the edge with his “whore” talk in the car that morning and forced the memory of him fucking someone else. I retaliated with rubbing my sexual escapades in his face.
I let my anger at being misjudged by him guide my words. “I saw you.”
“You saw me doing what?” he asked in a dumbfounded voice.
“A few months after I was taken from Howard and Dorey, I stole my dad’s car and drove back to see you.”
Mark’s eyebrows rose so high they nearly reached his hairline. “You what? You were only fifteen!”
“I was miserable in the cold, hateful house my dad and Estelle owned and all I wanted was to see you again. I knew your arms around me and your confidence would make me feel better, so I drove for hours to find you.”
“But you didn’t find me,” he replied.
“Oh, I did. You were in our special place in the park and you weren’t alone.” The color on his face drained as he finally realized what I meant when I said that I saw him. “You didn’t realize I was there and I was too stunned to interrupt the hot time you were having.” I screwed my eyes shut to get control of my emotions before I spoke again. “I backed away quietly and returned home. On my drive home, I decided to give in to what my dad wanted and would become the perfect Heston heir. The last person on earth I thought might’ve wanted me had already forgotten about me and moved on. I decided to make myself into someone people would want and I lost the person you used to care about in the process.”
He moved then for the first time since walking into my office. He flopped down in the chair as if all his energy had abandoned him. “I never forgot you, Mitch, but I had accepted that I’d never see you again. Hell, you’d been whisked off to a life of wealth, privilege, and country club boys. How could I think that you’d remember me? You’re not the only one who’s used sex as a coping mechanism, Mitch. What you saw was me trying to move on from you, just like you did by parading your escorts in my face these last few weeks.”
We stared at each other for several long moments without speaking. I somewhat felt better after airing out our grievances, but I had doubts that it changed anything between us. Mark still looked as if he was determined to leave my employment and thoughts of not seeing him again shook me harder than I expected. I was once again a scared fifteen-year-old kid about to lose Mark all over again. I didn’t know what to say or how to act, I just knew that I needed to find some way to work it out.
The mood in my office was completely different than it was when we entered it; anger had been replaced with sadness and I couldn’t be sure which emotion I hated the most. “Stay,” I said softly. “I trust you and I do need you.” I took a breath for courage, knowing I’d have to put myself out there to keep him in my life. “I want you here. I want to have a genuine connection to another person and I want that to be with you. Even if it’s only friendship you can give me, Mark. Forgive my stunt with the escorts and lets really get to know each other. I want so badly to get to know you again, all of you.” I’d never talked so openly and honestly about my feelings to anyone other than him, so it seemed almost like second nature to slide back into that role.
I saw the answering desire to be close to me again, but I also read the doubt in his eyes. “I’m not taking back my resignation, Mitch. I haven’t given the guys my answer yet and I won’t until I’ve served out the next two weeks. We’ll see how things go and see if we can still continue working together once we’ve blurred the lines between professional and personal. It doesn’t usually turn out very well.” He saw my hopeful expression and added, “Personal doesn’t necessarily mean we’re having sex. I’m still not convinced we want the same things in life and to be honest I’d rather break ties now before we get in too deep and no one escapes without a bunch of scars. I’d rather have the fond memories of our short year together in foster care than have them ruined by trying to force emotions that aren’t there any longer.”
As much as I hated hearing those words leave his beautiful lips, I knew he was right. If it hurt to have him walk away now, it would be a hundred times worse if I knew what it was finally like to have him in my bed. “Okay,” I agreed. “How about we have dinner and watch some baseball tonight at my place. Just laid-back chilling, like old times.” If I had my way, I’d at least feel his lips against mine once more.
“I’d like that,” he said with a slow, hesitant smile. He wasn’t convinced it was a good idea, but at least he was giving it a try rather than rejecting me outright. “You have a meeting in five minutes,” he said, as he rose to his feet. “Oh, you might want to cancel your outing for this evening if you want me to take you serious.” The fierce scowl he sent me told me he wasn’t playing around.
“Done.” I picked up the phone and called Vanessa while he stood there and canceled the remaining appointments on the books. She was gracious, but it was obvious she wasn’t happy with me. I didn’t care. The only person I gave a shit about smiled happily at me before he left for his office that adjoined mine.
Once I hung up the phone, I willed my heart to calm itself and my mind to focus on the task at hand. I had a meeting to discuss plans to build our next resort in Costa Rica. It was one of my favorite places in the world and I’d wanted to build a resort there since my very first visit after I graduated from Yale. I hoped the planning stage would require plenty of visits to the country to make sure it was being handled properly. I imagined the beautiful waterfalls and beaches that I could share with Mark, whether it be as my bodyguard or something more. I vowed to show him the beauty the world had to offer, not just the ugliness that he had witnessed.
I just needed to convince him to give us a chance.
