“I was pretty devastated,” I admitted. “I was drawn to you even when you were at your prickliest.”
“I went to counselling afterithappened,” Mark said into the darkness. I knew exactly whatithe was referring to. “When I first found myself attracted to other boys at thirteen or fourteen years old, I wondered if it was because of what happened to me. My counselor told me it wasn’t, but I wasn’t convinced. I had so many conflicting feelings about liking boys; I felt guilty and at times I felt perverted, like that sick fucker had tainted me.” I felt Mark’s ragged breaths rattle through his chest from being pressed so tightly against him. “You were different,” he confessed.
“How so?”
“I didn’t have to think about it, Mitch. It just felt natural and right to lean over and kiss your smiling lips. Everything we shared between us felt… good. You may not have been my first kiss, but you were the first one that left me feeling happy inside afterwards. I think you saved me then like you’re saving me now. You make me believe.”
His words left me speechless. All I could do was turn in his arms and kiss him like I’d been wanting to since he first began talking. I said nothing about the salty tears I tasted in his kiss. A man like Mark wouldn’t like to cry and he sure as hell wouldn’t want someone pointing it out when he did something as human as shedding some tears over the shattered boy he used to be. There was nothing broken about him as an adult. He was strong, fierce, loyal, and I dared to add loving to the mix. He would never be a hearts and flowers guy, but he’d always make a person feel wanted and necessary.
“You make me believe too,” I told him when our kiss ended several minutes later. “It’s not like I’ve had anyone in my adult life who wanted me forjustme. It was always what I could do for them. I’ve lived such a cold, sterile existence until you came back into my life, Mark. Even when we were too busy denying the feelings between us there was genuine affection and friendship. I haven’t had that since I left Howard and Dorey’s home. I thought I was happy with my life until you showed me differently.”
Mark’s laugh rumbled through us. “I was the same way. I was doing private security for a band of misfits – lovable, but misfits nonetheless.” He took a sudden breath and said, “I can’t believe I forgot to tell you this, but they’ve made an arrest in Damien’s case.”
“Who?”
“Harmon wouldn’t tell me, but he wanted to put my mind at ease and let me know it was over,” Mark replied. “I am glad it’s over and I’ll let Xavier know as soon as the name of the person is released.” He laughed and hugged me closer when I stiffened at Xavier’s name. “There’s no one I want except you.”
I relaxed against him once more. Mark made me feel a bevy of new emotions and I enjoyed all of them except the jealousy. I was jealous when I found him having sex with another guy all those years ago and I was just as jealous as I lay in his arms thinking he might possibly want someone more than me. It was something that I’d need to learn to control because Mark wasn’t that kind of guy. If he said he wanted me, then he meant it. He wasn’t a player like I used to be. If anyone had the right to doubt, it was him.
“I think we could use a break from all of the heaviness that surrounds us right now. Would you come with me if I planned a surprise trip?” Mark’s voice sounded uncertain and I wasn’t sure why.
“I’d go with you anywhere,” I replied, hoping to erase any doubt he felt. Did he hesitate because of the difference in our financial status? Mark was the kind of guy who wouldn’t be kept and that was another thing I’d have to watch. I couldn’t just try to have my way all of the time, financial or otherwise. Mark would need to take the lead at times and do things within his means and I’d need to let him if I wanted to keep him in my life.
“I’ll have to clear it with Vic because it’s not really the best time for us to go away for a weekend, but I think we could both use it.”
“I’d like to make sure my dad is stable and moved to a regular room first, if that’s okay with you.” I didn’t want it to appear that I was putting my dad before the relationship I was trying to build with Mark, but I also knew that I wouldn’t be able to rest if my dad was still in critical condition in the ICU. I wanted to be able to give Markallof my attention.
“I’d expect nothing less, babe. I’m happy that you’re getting a second chance with you father,” Mark said. “You deserve it after all that you’ve been through. So, you spend all the time you need with your dad while Vic and I make plans. I have to put your safety above everything else.”
It felt wonderful to lean on someone else and let them take control of a situation and I didn’t feel like a lesser man because of it.Hmmm, this must be what it feels like to be all mature and shit.There was hope for me yet.
