“Maybe now you’ll have that chance, Mitch. A near death experience makes a man stop and see what’s around him.” I knew from all the scarring I’d seen on his body that he was talking about his own real life experiences and it caused me to shiver. “Now’s the time to be completely honest with him about what you need from him.”
“Yeah, I feel like I have nothing to lose at this point. I just hate that it took him getting shot to make it all happen.” I thought to myself for a few minutes and then a thought occurred to me. “I’m not at all surprised that Estelle didn’t show up this morning. I remember one time she gave him the silent treatment for three days when he took my side in an argument. It didn’t happen often so she wasn’t expecting it. Last night he was allowed to have one visitor and he chose me over her.” I shook my head in disgust. “She’s probably home burning his clothes or something.”
“It seems like the wealthiest couples are the unhappiest,” Mark pondered out loud. “What good is all that money if you’re miserable?”
Although I didn’t consider myself miserable before Mark returned to my life, I wasn’t very happy either. “I guess some people stay because it’s easier and a hell of a lot cheaper,” I added, thinking about how much my dad would have to pay to Estelle should he ever divorce her. “Some people are more worried about their image than with their own happiness.” I had been perilously close to falling into that category. “My mom may have been poor while raising me, but she was happy. She found happiness in every little thing, Mark. She was always humming or singing, she always found something to laugh or smile about, and I knew I was loved every minute of every day.”
I hadn’t let myself think about my mom in a long time because it hurt so much and I worried that she wouldn’t be proud of the shallow and selfish person I had become. “She was killed by a drunk driver,” I said aloud. Mark just sat quietly and let me talk. “She was on her way to pick me up from a slumber party at my friend’s house. It was my first sleepover and I was so excited. Jack’s family had more money than us so I gorged myself on delivery pizza and ice cream cake to the point that I made myself sick. Jack’s mom was so sweet to me, but I wanted my own mom. I mean, I was acting like a baby and I was fourteen years old. She came though, well, she was on her way.
“We waited for what seemed like days for her to arrive. I knew something was really wrong and so did Jack’s mom.” I laughed bitterly. “Funny how I can’t remember her name, Mark, but I can remember the look in her eyes when she decided to call the police when too much time had passed and my mom hadn’t arrived. I remember the softness in her voice when she told me that my mom had been killed. She let me stay with them for a few days while children’s services found a foster family for me. I was a walking ghost in her home and she did everything she could to bring a scared, brokenhearted boy a bit of comfort. That entire time she offered me soft words and hugs, but I can’t remember her name. Why?”
“The brain is a strange organ,” Mark replied softly. “It doesn’t always make sense what we remember and what we don’t. There are things you beg to forget but it won’t let you.”
I suspected he was talking about the reasons behind him lashing out at me in his sleep. I promised him I’d wait patiently for him to tell me, if he wanted to tell me at all. I meant what I said to him; I’d take whatever he was willing to give me and nothing more. It would be more than I’d ever had with another man and I was convinced it would be enough.
I reached across the table and linked our fingers together. There we were, two men who liked having everything their own way trying to forge a path together that would need to include consideration and compromise. I knew absolutely nothing of his past, not what brought him to Howard and Dorey’s, and not much that happened between the time I left their home and the time Mark reappeared in my life.
“Do you believe in fate, Mark?” What else could be the reason that the one person Jackson thought of as a replacement for himself just happened to be Mark?
Mark’s green eyes darkened and a soft smile split his normally stern looking face. “I do now.”
It was the shot in the arm I needed, a bolster to my system that no amount of caffeine could give me. No, it wasn’t a declaration of love, but it was something just as meaningful to me. Hope. It kept a silly smile on my face while we passed the time until I could see my father again.
Once back inside his room, the healing between us began in earnest. The heartfelt apology was wonderful, but then he said the best thing he’d ever said to me. “I really loved your mother, Mitch. I would’ve moved heaven and earth to keep both of you by my side if I’d known the truth.” Tears of remorse leaked from dark eyes so much like my own. “She just disappeared from my life with only a brief note for an explanation. She said she missed her family and returned home to them. She asked me not to contact her because she wasn’t in love with me.” He shook his head vigorously. “I should’ve known better because that lady was just as crazy about me as I was about her.”
I knew the rest of the story because he’d told me when he claimed me as his son. I’d asked him where the hell he’d been all of my life. What angry kid wouldn’t ask that? My grandfather had somehow suspected that good ole Max had gotten his secretary pregnant. Father said he’d kept his relationship with my mother a secret from his parents because he knew they wouldn’t have approved of her. Apparently, neither of them fooled anyone. Another secretary that worked in the building saw my mom getting sick after lunch and told George her suspicions.
The old bastard gave my mom abortion money and told her to get lost before she made a fool of herself. George showed her a picture of my dad with Estelle from a benefit and implied that they were engaged. He convinced my mother that she had been nothing but a cheap diversion while he waited to marry a woman too pure to give herself away before her wedding day.
My mother used her abortion money for a bus ticket back to Bakersfield. George kept his hateful secret until Max’s second born son had died and he himself was on his deathbed. His confession wasn’t about guilt or making amends, he was worried about the line of heirs dying out. The old bastard knew about me the entire time and kept me away from my father because he was afraid that my dad would still have chosen Marlene Baker over Estelle and he couldn’t have that.
“I have pictures of her,” my father said, bringing me back to the present. “I’ve kept them all these years in my safe. I want you to have them, Mitch.”
I had nothing left of my mother except memories and even those were faded, and I often wondered if they were real or fabricated. Was my mom as happy as I told Mark? “I’d love to have them. Thank you.”
“I can’t believe she’s not haunting me for the way I’ve treated you and allowed you to be treated.” He shook his head sadly. “I owe you an explanation for my horrible behavior.”
“You need to rest, Father.”
“No,” he said, shaking his head emphatically. “I won’t be able to rest until I say what needs to be said.” He was becoming agitated and that was the last thing he needed. I nodded for him to continue. “My father set a horrible example of what a man and father should be. I wanted to be better; I tried to be better. I even think I accomplished that when Stephan was born. I made him a priority in my life, unlike what my father did when I was born. I didn’t send Stephan to boarding schools like my father did with me and I probably doted on him more than I should have.” His chin wobbled with sorrow and regret. “When I lost Stephan, I lost my mind. I was overcome with grief. I should’ve been overjoyed when I found out about you, but I was afraid of getting close to you. Then I learned about your mother’s death and I mourned the loss of her all over again.”
Father closed his eyes, but not before a few tears slipped from beneath the lids. “I let fear, grief, and sheer stupidity ruin what should’ve been a joyous reunion with my first born son. I sat by and did nothing to shield you from Estelle’s venomous resentment of your existence.” Father turned his eyes to me and said, “I hope it’s not too late for us, Mitch.”
“It’s not too late,” I assured him. I placed my hand over his and allowed my warmth to chase away the chill I felt on his skin. “We can start over and really get to know one another.”
My father pulled me down to kiss my forehead when visiting hours were over. So many emotions warred inside my head when I stepped out of his room – happiness that I was getting a second chance with him, concern for his health because he still seemed so weak, and fear that the person who hated us so much would come back and finish off what he started. Vic had a guard outside his door at all times, but I still feared for his life and mine.
Mostly what I felt was grateful that the beautiful man who’d come to mean so much to me was waiting outside my dad’s room to go home with me. Mark gifted me with the smile he reserved solely for me when I reached for him.
“Let’s go home.” It was my turn to smile when he didn’t correct me, but instead linked his fingers with mine.
