“You’re so lost in thought that you didn’t realize we had arrived at the bank.” He narrowed his eyes as he studied me. “You’re scowling too, like you didn’t much care for your line of thinking.”
“It wasn’t that I didn’t like it,” I replied. “It was a huge realization and I’m not quite sure what to do about it.”
“You?” Mark scoffed, as if I always had the answers and always got my own way.
“There are certain instances when I find myself in unchartered territory, Mark. Things I have no experience with and no compass to guide me.” I released a deep breath and got my mind back on the task at hand. When I looked back at him I saw so many questions in his eyes. “I’ll figure it out, but not right now when I have a meeting with my banker.”
I stayed busy for the rest of the day and even worked later than I had planned. By the time I was finished, it was past dinnertime and my stomach was making its displeasure known to me. I logged off of my computer, packed up my briefcase, and made my way to Mark’s office. I hadn’t intentionally worked so late to force him into eating dinner with me, but it looked like it might work in my favor.
I opened the door to his office, but he was pacing behind his desk while he talked on the phone and wasn’t aware of my presence. I began to back out of his office to give him privacy, but then I overheard what he said and I was frozen to the spot.
“I haven’t made up my mind yet about your job offer, Vic.” His confliction about staying with me or taking the other job came through loud and clear in his voice. He stopped with his back to me and ran his hand through his brown hair. “I’m not sure I want to be dropped into jungles to rescue kidnapped kids of senators. I sure as hell have seen enough gunfights to last me a lifetime, buddy.” He listened to whatever his friend said and replied with, “I’m not saying no and I’m giving it serious consideration to the problem I’m in now.”
Problem? He thought our situation was a problem? Was it me personally or the job?What was worse was that he thought the dangerous job being proposed to him might be preferable over working for me. I was stunned that we were so obviously on different pages. After the previous night, I thought… What? One blow job changed everything? I wasn’t that stupid… I refused to be that stupid. Here I was romanticizing a sexual act, while it probably didn’t mean as much to Mark.
I backed away silently and shut his door before he could see me. It was an awkward conversation that I wanted to avoid at all costs. It was entirely possible that I wanted more from Mark than he wanted from me. I flopped down on the leather sofa to wait out his phone call. I sent a text to him to let him know I was ready so that he’d see it when he got off the phone. I didn’t want him to know I’d been in his office.
My desire to share a dinner with Mark faded and all I wanted to do was go home and hang out with Frankie. I tried to convince myself that it was better if I found out early on that Mark wasn’t at all invested in pursuing anything between us. I told myself that I wouldn’t hold it against him and we could still try and be friends because I’d learn to settle for that over nothing at all.
When my phone alerted me that I had received an incoming text, I assumed it was Mark letting me know he’d be right there. I wasn’t at all prepared for what I read from an unknown sender.
You’re an embarrassment and an abomination. You will be eliminated.
What? Eliminated?Did they mean removed from my position or eliminated… as in killed? I rose from my seat to find Mark, but he entered my office just then. There was so much caution and wariness in his eyes that I kept my mouth shut about the text. It was obvious he had a lot on his mind and I didn’t want to bother him with my stupid prank text. It wasn’t addressed specifically to me, so maybe it was sent to the wrong number.
I grabbed my briefcase and we left my office together without a word exchanged. The tension between us was thick and palpable. I wished it was sexual tension, but it obviously wasn’t. Mark was thinking over his problem, which happened to be me, and I was thinking about whether or not the text threat I received was real or fake.
Mark made no attempt to hang around my house or extend our time together, but then again he never did. It had always been me pursuing him and I was finally getting a clear message that my advances might not be wanted by him. He did look at me for an extended moment before he got into his car after a quiet, “See you tomorrow morning.”
I could only nod at him because I didn’t trust myself to speak. I would not beg for his affection and his attention. I wouldn’t. If he wanted me then he would need to make the next move. I was done putting myself out there only to be referred to as a “problem.” I would ignore the hurt, push away my want, and hope that there was at least a part of him that thought I was worth the risk.
