I promised myself when she stepped out of the car at the theatre. When she giggled with happiness because I’d bought tickets to the play she wanted to see. When my heart gave over to her the first time I held her naked body in my hands. Her flawless skin, smooth as velvet under my fingertips. I told her in the way I kissed her that I would always be hers.
Every conversation we’ve had. Each time she’s made me laugh and pushed through another part of the walls I built around myself years ago. When we stood at the top of Primrose Hill, and, despite the cold, she wanted to stay in our moment. When she read to meThe Count of Monte Cristo. When she recited Violetta’s words to me at the opera.Love me, Alfredo, love me as much as I love you.I didn’t love her as much as she thought she loved me. I loved her infinitely more. I do still.
I turn her engagement ring around her finger then hold her palm to my cheek. She looked mesmerising the night I asked her to marry me. To be mine, forever. Her hair blowing in the Caribbean breeze. Her hazel-green eyes lighting up as the waves of the ocean danced in her irises. She promised to be by my side for the rest of our lives.
I broke my promise.
I rub the tears from my eyes because I want to see her. Clearly. All of her.
I didn’t just break my promise. I failed to protect her and I brought my darkness to her. I hurt her and I couldn’t make it right. She’s worth so much more. She’s better than that. Better than me.
The thought of her waking is bittersweet. I want to see those eyes that captured my heart. I want to tell her that I love her. But it could be the last time. If she walks away, I won’t blame her, and I won’t chase her.
There’s a soft knock on the door and I turn to see Amanda. ‘Ed and I are going to get coffee. Do you want one?’
I shake my head because I can’t speak. She turns her lips into a soft smile that I don’t deserve, then gently, quietly closes the door behind her. It reminds me of the other faces behind the wall. I haven’t spoken to my mother since she finally told me the truth. After nineteen years, she told me I have a nephew. Elsa’s child. He came to me. He told me everything, told me where Scarlett was. But I’m not ready to look him in the eye. I’m not ready to talk to either of them and God knows how I’ll cope with any of the things life throws at me if Scarlett leaves.
‘I don’t know how to live without you any more,’ I whisper.
Time continues to crawl and I know, with each second, I could be moving closer to the end.
She eventually stirs. Her fingers twitch in my hands. Her shoulder shrugs.
‘Scarlett.’
She leans her head to one side and slowly opens her eyes. They widen when they meet mine. Then she turns her head around the room and she winces as painful memories bring her up to date.
This is it. The moment she crushes me. And I can’t hear it. I don’t want to make her say it. I’m terrified she will. I turn my lips into her palm then hold it against my cheek, closing my eyes, trying to box her touch against my skin. My tears roll heavier down my face and her own eyes glaze.
I stand and lean over her, stroking my thumb down the side of her face. Her skin is marked but still soft to touch.
‘I’m so sorry,’ I cry, breaking down as I press my lips to her forehead. ‘I couldn’t protect you. I failed you and I’m more sorry than I can tell you. I always will be.’
The rubber seam of the door to the room makes a soft noise as it opens. I close my eyes, holding my lips to her head, wanting one more second. Then I stand and release her hand. Her eyes are full of sadness and the sight rips my heart to shreds. She opens her mouth and for a moment, I feel hope in my stomach. But she doesn’t speak.
‘You’re awake, Scarlett,’ says the nurse who’s been checking on her every hour. The nurse moves to the bedside and I take a step back, my eyes still focused on exquisite hazel-greens. ‘Do you know where you are?’
Scarlett watches me as she struggles to respond to the nurse. ‘Hospital.’
‘That’s right. Do you know who I am?’
‘A nurse?’ she croaks, still fixed on me, watching me take another step backwards.
‘Yes, good. Now, I’m just going to ask you to do a few things for me and we’ll get the doctor to come and take a look at you.’
I move my hand to my heart as it breaks in my chest and I mouth to her, ‘I love you.’
‘We’ve patched you up and you have a few stitches but your scans are all clear. You’ve got a concussion and you were dehydrated but otherwise yo?—’
‘Where are you going?’
Her voice freezes me on the spot and I wait for her to end us. End me.
‘You don’t have to go, baby,’ she says. ‘Stay. Please.’
The weight falls out of my legs and I feel like I could crash to my knees. She sucks in air quickly and a tear rolls from her clouded eyes. I want so much to wrap her up in my arms and tell her that everything will be okay. I go to her and take her hand.
‘I love you.’
