I bit down on my lip, looking at her, weighing out my options, trying to see if I wanted to tell her or not.
I just knew that it wouldn’t end well. She was going to release so many different emotions because I knew that she wasn’t going to expect what I was going to throw at her. I hated that this shit even had to get thrown back up. I swear, if I could go back into time, that day that Tank and I were at his mom’s house, I would never have asked him to see that photo album, so that I could see his baby pictures. Granted, I’m sure that the truth would have been exposed one day on who his father was, but I just hated that it happened now because I really haven’t been the same since that was revealed.
My sisters were looking at me. Tailynn had her eyes glued on me too, trying to figure out what was wrong. I couldn’t say it though. I just didn’t want to.
“Nothing, ma. I’ll text you when I get home,” and like that, I leaned in, so that I could kiss her on her cheek, and I quickly walked out of the house, leaving no room for her to stop me again.
I was fast with opening the front door, getting out, and locking the door behind me. I moved even faster to get to my car that was parked in the driveway. I started it up, and as I was backing out, the tears immediately started pouring.
I was going to have to start back therapy because the way that I was balling all of this up, forcing myself to believe that I was okay when I knew I wasn’t, just couldn’t be healthy.
Meanwhile, back at Antoinette’s house
“What ya’ll think wrong with her?” I asked a minute after Dionne stormed out of the house.
I was finished with washing the dishes, so the stool that Dionne had originally been sitting in, I took her seat, and I was holding the cup in my hand, with the drink that Tommie made for us.
“Nothing. Your sister moody as fuck, just like I told her. She does that shit all the time. She’ll be happy one second and then acting like a bitch the next. I already know that she got in her feelings about what ma said about her dad. Dionne will be okay. I’m not stutting her ass,” Tommie talked shit, just like I knew she would.
“I don’t think she’s mad about that. I talk crazy about her damn daddy all the time, and it’s never enough to make her leave out like that. I think it’s deeper. How is everything going between her and Tank? Did she say anything to ya’ll about him?” my mom wanted to know, standing next to me with her arms crossed, looking from me to Tommie.
My mom was going to drive herself crazy trying to find out what was wrong with Dionne. She was like that with all her children.
“Her and Tank are good. I don’t know ma. You know how Dionne is. She’ll tell us what’s bothering her when she’s ready. We’ll all be wasting our breath, trying to beg it out of her,” I responded, and my mom still had this look on her face like she wasn’t buying what I was saying to her.
“She could still be sad about what happened to Bagel. I don’t know, either,” Tailynn jumped in.
We all talked about it for a few minutes more. I wasn’t going to worry myself trying to figure out what Dionne’s issues were. When she was ready to talk about it, I would be right here, being a listening ear, and giving my advice wherever I saw fit.
Back to Dionne
Instead of going back to my place, I kept my word and headed back to Tank’s house. In the past, I was so used to shutting down, not wanting to be around anyone when I would get in my feelings, but I needed companionship right now, so here I was, pulling up to Tank’s house.
I’d told him earlier that I was going to come back, so here I was. I parked my car into his large driveway, shut the car off, and I grabbed my purse. Once I was out, I locked the doors behind me, and because I was over here often, I now knew the code to the lock on the door. I keyed it in, let myself inside, and closed the door behind me.
The Louis Vuitton sneakers that I was wearing, I kicked them off, leaving them by the door, and I walked inside, sitting my purse on the kitchen counter. I could look out from the patio door that was out in the living room, and that’s where I spotted Tank. I could only see him from behind. He was out in the backyard with Noir. I swear that she was his favorite person in the world.
I decided to go out there with him. I had slippers over here, that were by the patio door, so I slipped them on, pulled the patio door back, and the second I got out here, Tank turned his head around from the gate, so that he could look at me.
“You’re back early. What happened at your mama’s?” he asked.
I wasn’t supposed to be back until a couple of hours later. I’d told him that earlier, when I was on the way to my mom’s house.
I didn’t answer his question. I just came and stood behind him, allowing my head to drop on his bare back. He wasn’t wearing a shirt. Just his black sweatpants, with slides on his feet. He did it so casually with the way he reached one of his hands back, felt around for me, and the second he got me, he pulled me from behind him, making me stand in front of him.
He backed up a little bit, so that he could give himself space to take me in. Both his hands held onto the wooden gate, as he watched me with worry in his eyes. I didn’t look at myself before I got out of the car, but I’m sure that my eyes were still red from most of the crying that I did on the way over.
“What happened?” he asked me.
“A lot. You know I was at my mom’s house, and we were all in the kitchen. They started talking about the men from my mom’s past that she’s dated. They brought up your dad. It freaked me out, put me in a bad place, so I ended up leaving. Of course, my sisters and my mom were all on my ass, trying to figure out what was wrong with me, but I wouldn’t tell them. Tank, I feel like I’m driving myself crazy,” I announced to him, looking up at him, hoping that he had all the answers to my problems right now.
“Of course, you’re driving yourself crazy baby because you carrying weight that no woman should have to carry on her own. You been carrying that same weight since you were eleven years old. The way you going about coping isn’t the right way. You running from it, swallowing the pain down, getting mad at me when I bring it up, so all that shit going to do is tear your ass down. You’re trying to convince yourself that you’ve moved on from it, but you haven’t. All you did was hide that shit. Then, your ass won’t even let me handle it. That’s the part that I can’t seem to understand. Why you letting a nigga freely walk around that violated you?” he asked, and his words made me so mad that I pushed him.
“Let somebody fuckin rape you, and let’s see if you would want that broadcasted for the world to know! I don’t want everybody in my fuckin business! I don’t need everybody knowing that that happened to me!” I screamed at him, my voice cracking, and tears flowing because I was already very emotional because of what just happened at my mom’s house.
“Who the fuck said that you had to tell the whole world? If you going to tell anybody, I feel like you should tell your mom. That’s all I’m saying,” he snapped at me.
I nodded my head, and I tried to cut through, so that I could move away, but he stepped over, not letting me cross.
