I knew what flinching got me and it was never good, but it’s a reaction your body has to try to protect you. Victor drops to his knees in front of me and slowly cups my face, bringing our foreheads together. I close my eyes and inhale his spicy scent, then bring my hands up to hold on to his forearms and allow his presence to soothe me.
“I’m so sorry,dolce ragazza. I should have been there.”
Caught off guard by his Italian endearment, I’m not sure what it means, but make note of it to look it up later.
“You had a life, Victor. I understand.”
In all honesty I was angry at him, but after growing up I realized he was there as often as he could be. He had a wife and apparently they were having a lot of issues because he got divorced a few years ago.
“It’s not an excuse. I made a promise, and I didn’t keep it.”
Opening my eyes to stare into his green ones, I rub my thumbs along the veins on his forearms. “We had lunch every month. That’s more than some families see each other.”
His breath washes over my lips when he huffs out a laugh. He stands before sitting next to me on the couch and wraps his arm around my shoulders, pulling me in tight to him. Returning his embrace, I allow myself to enjoy this for a little while.
“I did have things going on, but I should have seen what was right in front of my face.”
I look up at him from where my head is resting against his shoulder. “You see it now, and in just the short amount of time you’ve been back in my life, you’ve helped me. I don’t know if it’s because you know Donovan, but I’ve never been able to talk to anyone about him. Except my therapist, but she doesn’t know his name and there were a few things I still kept to myself. My friends know some things, but not everything. I legally changed my last name to mom’s maiden name and so far it’s worked.”
He looks down at me and offers me a small smile. “Thank you for answering my questions. I asked you more than one, so you can ask me two as well.”
Snorting, I rest my head on his chest again. He smells so good and his arm wrapped around me feels so right. What would it be like if this never ended? I think about Josie and their marriage. As I swallow, I sit up to watch his expression when I ask.
“What happened with Josie? Why did you two get divorced?”
His jaw clenches, and his hold on me tightens for a moment. He rubs his jaw with the hand that’s not wrapped around me and the sound of his beard scraping against the palm of his hand makes my stomach clench. His gaze darts to me like he knows what just happened. Heat travels from my chest, up my neck, and to my cheeks.
There’s a glint in his eyes and his lips lift in a small smile. He takes a deep breath. “I told you Josie was jealous. Of everything, but it was more than that. She wanted to control me and when she realized she couldn’t, she used my dominance against me.”
I squint my eyes, trying to read between the lines. “What does that mean?”
He exhales sharply and looks toward the ceiling. “Now that I’m more experienced, this wouldn’t happen, but Josie and I met when we were both getting into the Dom/sub lifestyle. I didn’t recognize the warning signs. My mentor pointed them out to me, but I was young and stupid and didn’t listen.”
I try to think back. He and Josie got married around the same time mom and Donovan got married, so about fourteen years ago. He would have been in his early thirties. But I don’t know how long they dated.
“She always said she was a masochist.” My face must show my confusion because he clarifies the term for me. “A masochist is someone who gets turned on by their own pain or being degraded.”
My heart begins to beat heavy in my chest as I wonder if that would apply to me. I cut myself, but as a way to release tension, not because it turns me on. I put that thought in another compartment to revisit later when researching.
“Turns out she was more of a sadist, which is the opposite. A sadist gets pleasure from inflicting pain and humiliation on others. I learned that the hard way.”
Unease skates up my spine as I try to understand what he’s saying. “Did she hurt you?” I finally ask.
He gives me a sad smile. “Let’s just say you’re not the only one that has scars.”
Chapter twenty-two
Olivia
It’s been two weeks since the dinner at Victor’s house and I haven’t been back since. I wanted to begin planting flowers and bringing color to the landscape, but he remembered he was going on a ride with The Outsiders that day. He invited me to come along, but the thought of being on a motorcycle exposed to anyone made me too anxious.
We’ve talked almost every day, and he still texts me every morning and night. He hasn’t asked me if I’ve done research. I have. Victor hasn’t asked me if it’s something I’m interested in. I am. He’s allowing everything to go at my pace and there’s a part of me that wishes he wouldn’t.
The sexual part of the Dominant/submissive lifestyle is what scares me. Part of that lifestyle is bondage, and I don’t know if I would survive that. What if I have a panic attack in the middle? After talking to Victor, it made me realize Donovan was probablya sadist as well. Although he didn’t inflict pain often, when he did, I felt it for days, sometimes weeks after. He never left marks, though. I rub my thumb along the scar on my collarbone, well not all the time.
Glancing at the time, I sigh in relief that it’s almost five o’clock. As I shut down my computer, Caroline stops in my office with a small smile. I stand, greeting her with a smile in return.
“Hey Care.” She has that pregnancy glow about her and she has a slight baby bump, but it’s only noticeable in certain outfits.
