Chapter one
Olivia
Thirteen Years Old
Iforce myself not to fidget as I stare straight ahead at the casket. My throat tightens and I squeeze my eyes shut. Mom doesn’t like closed spaces.“She won’t be in there, child.”Ruth’s voice echoes through my mind.
She’s not there. She’s not there.I repeat to myself. It doesn’t stop the ache in my chest or the hollow pit in my stomach. I clench my fists as I imagine throwing myself to the ground and screaming. Instead, I take a deep breath, loosen my hands, and open my eyes.
I’m an orphan. Where am I going to go?It’s the same question I’ve been asking myself the past couple of days, but have been too afraid to ask. Maybe Victor will take me in. He ismy godfather. Isn’t that part of the deal? Even if he hasn’t been around much lately.
My eyes shift upward to look at the profile of my stepfather, Donovan.Will he keep me?I’m not sure if he even likes me since he ignores me the majority of the time.
A raindrop falls on my cheek and I blink up at the dark clouds rolling in. My nanny, Ruth, lifts the umbrella she brought and opens it. She wraps her arm around my shoulders, pulling me in close to her and protecting me from the rain. I wish she wouldn’t. I want to lift my face to the clouds and allow the rain to soak me through.
There’s a rumble of thunder. It’s like the earth knew I wanted to scream and it’s doing it for me. The priest says his final words and people begin to make their way towards the line of cars. Probably trying to avoid the downpour that’s sure to start any minute now. I don’t move though and no one pushes me to move, but I’m guessing everyone else leaves except for us to avoid getting drenched.
Some men step up to the casket and glance at us. I look up at my stepfather again, and he gives them a slight nod. They remove the wooden pieces from under her casket and slowly lower it into the ground.
I want to tell them to stop. I want to jump in and be buried with her. But I don’t do any of those things. Instead, I watch as they lower my mother into the ground in a beautiful casket that she wouldn’t have picked out for herself. My eyes and throat burn, but still I watch until I can no longer see the casket.
Puddles are forming at our feet as the rain increases. The wind shifts, causing the rain to begin hitting us from the side. Ruth shifts at my side and I know I’m going to be made to leave soon.
Victor kneels in front of me, not bothering with an umbrella. I’m surprised he’s still here. I thought it was Ruth, Donovan, andme that were left. He’s drenched from the rain, but he doesn’t seem to care.
“Olivia?” His voice comes out soft and comforting. I stare at him, blinking back the tears that are ready to fall. Another rumble of thunder sounds indicating the storm is directly over us. I feel everyone’s eyes on me, but I focus on Victor.
“She’s not coming back.” I whisper so low I’m not sure if he heard me. I’m not sure why I’m telling him this, but something inside me knows he’s safe. He tilts his head and his eyes soften, so maybe he did. He glances up at Donovan, who has moved closer to me. I glance up at him as well and the look in his eyes makes the hole in my stomach grow even larger. I look back at Victor.
“Where will I go?” I ask. Donovan squats down beside Victor, his umbrella covering them both.
“My sweet, sweet Olivia. You’ll stay with me, of course.” I swallow as I look between him and Victor. He’s never called me that before.
“Victor, can we go now?” Josie, Victor’s wife, asks. He scowls up at her, but she rolls her eyes. “I’m soaking wet and cold,” she complains.
“I told you to bring an umbrella. Go wait in the car. I’ll be there soon.” She huffs, but Victor ignores her and turns his attention back to me.
I close my eyes and fold my lips between my teeth, suddenly ready to get as far away from here as possible. “I’m ready to go,” I say to no one in particular.
Donovan pulls me into his arms and hugs me tight. It’s the first time he’s ever touched me or shown any kind of affection. When he stands, he lifts me with him, catching me by surprise.
“Mr. Castiel!” Ruth cries out, but he shushes her.
“She’s had an emotional week and day. I’m carrying her to the car.” Donovan sounds serious, so I wrap my arms aroundhis neck and allow him to carry me to his fancy black car. His body heat warms me up. The driver opens the door for us and Donovan helps me inside. He sits next to me and Ruth sits next to him.
Victor leans in the open door, water dripping down his face. “I’ll call you tomorrow, Donovan, to check in on you two.” He doesn’t speak to me, but he offers me a sad smile.
Donovan gives him a nod and a wave. Then we’re headed home. I continue to keep my muscles rigid so I don’t fidget. The entire drive home, Donovan rubs circles on my knee with his thumb. It’s not relaxing. Not even a little.
I stare at the ceiling, wishing I was waking up to the smell of mom’s French toast. Sundays were our favorite days. We’d eat French toast, do a crossword puzzle together, and go for a drive to the lake. Sometimes we’d have a picnic. I swallow and turn on my side, trying to stop the onslaught of memories.What will life be like now?
Donovan was attentive yesterday after the funeral. I half expected him to go back to ignoring me, but he ate dinner with me and didn’t chastise me when I pushed my peas around on my plate. Ruth also seemed surprised and suspicious he stayed around. She was clearly unhappy about it. I don’t know why, though. He lost his wife. He’s mourning too.
Mom and Donovan were only married for a couple of years. Their marriage was nothing like mom’s was with dad. A smile lifts my lips at the memories of them dancing in the kitchen, the time we hid and attacked dad with water guns when he got home, and the times we went to the lake. Mom and I kept thattradition going. I suck in a deep breath.How will I go to the lake now?
There’s a knock on my door, so I close my eyes and pretend I’m still sleeping. I don’t want to talk to anyone right now. My door opens and I focus on taking deep breaths. Footsteps draw close. They’re too heavy to be Ruth’s. My heartbeat increases waiting to find out who it is. No one comes into my room except Ruth and my mom.
My bed sinks when the person sits down. I’m having a hard time pretending to be asleep. My chest is tight and suddenly it feels hard to breathe. A hand runs over my head and through my long black hair.
