This is exactly what Jase meant when he said there was darkness inside of me that didn’t allow for any happiness to take root. I was an overthinker in every way, a pessimist who always saw the potential negative outcomes of every decision I ever made. Apparently, except for the one to sleep with Jase.
I’d meant to drive back to my house, and instead found myself on Billie’s doorstep. My hands were shaking, the stupid pregnancy test tucked into my back pocket as I trembled in my boots. After tossing it in the trash bin, I plucked it out, figuring I’d one day want a memento of the day I found out. I’d never been so nervous.
“Jesus,” Billie muttered as she opened the front door to the apartment she shared with her roommate Desiree. “You scared the hell out of me, Moe. I thought you were Desiree coming back to pick up her wallet, which she forgot to take again, not a robber here to kill me.”
I didn’t say a word. Didn’t laugh at her usual dramatics. I couldn’t. Not when tears were aching to be released. “Oh shit, Monroe, are you okay?” Billie asked, now aware of the look of terror I had on my face.
A wave of panic hit me hard in the chest when I heard Bailey’s voice from inside the apartment.
“Who is it, Bills?”
“I…” My voice was stuck in my throat. It burned so much. The need to scream from the top of my lungs what was happening to me was so strong, but fear held me back, forcing me to swallow the truth to avoid a bigger catastrophe. I couldn’t admit I was pregnant with my best friend's brother.
“Oh sweetie, come in. Let me get you some water,” Bailey said as she wrapped me in a warm embrace.
“By the looks of it, we might need something stronger.” Billie’s implication only made the tears come out harder and faster.
“Monroe, you’re starting to scare me.” Bailey was typically the one who could read the room, and I was sure my body language gave me away. “You’ve been acting weird for weeks. Since we arrived back from Miami. I wasn’t going to say anything, but…”
“B’s right, Moe. You’ve been avoiding us.”
“I haven’t, okay. I’ve just had a lot going on.”
Bailey squeezed my hand. “Okay, well, that’s why you have the two best friends in the world for. To support you with whatever you have going on.”
“Because if it's something more exciting, we need details. Juicy details.” Billie playfully nudged my shoulder, her usual levity a stark contrast to the concern etched on her face.
They were waiting, their gazes unwavering, and the weight I'd been carrying suddenly felt unbearable. The dam was about to break, the carefully constructed facade about to crumble.“So, spill it. Are we talking girl trouble, money trouble, or… something even more exciting?”
“I can’t continue to be a part of Stingers. I…I’m pregnant.”
My voice was barely a whisper, thick with fear and disbelief. The news, heavy and life-altering, seemed to surprise them more than I’d expected, and it was then that I broke down crying as I fell to the ground.
My thoughts and feelings were tangled up in a tight knot as I awaited my friends’ reactions, my sobs now contained to a sniffle. Billie had just finished pouring a glass of wine for herself and Bailey and brought me over a hot peppermint tea. The three of us sat there with no idea what to say or do.
My admission hung in the air, heavy and unexpected, shattering the playful banter and comfort I usually felt with my friends. Billie’s jaw was tight, her usual sass momentarily eclipsed by shock. Bills, ever the pragmatist, slowly exhaled, her brow furrowing. Of course, she was the first to speak, unable to keep quiet any longer.
“Pregnant? Seriously? With whose kid?” The silence that followed felt thick enough to choke on. I squeezed my eyes shut, bracing for the inevitable storm of questions and accusations.
“Billie, what the hell?” Bailey shouted out to her. Her voice softened as she turned to me. “Monroe, you don’t need to feel embarrassed or scared with us. You know we love you no matter what.”
Bailey’s blue eyes sparkled with understanding. My best friend was beautiful—they both were—and with that came a lot of judgement and expectation. Jealousy from the women in town who not only despised her for her natural, god-given beauty,but for the kindness she held in her heart. Bailey was selfless, understanding, and terribly empathetic. It was a trait that got her into more trouble than not, but she wore it like a badge of honor.
I carefully set my steaming hot mug of tea down on the coffee table. “It’s true. I’m pregnant.”
The words tasted bitter on my tongue, but there was no point in denying what they were soon to discover on their own. It’s what I’d come here for. I knew the only way I would get through this was with my two best friends by my side.
Even then, I was still wary about what I would tell them and what I’d keep secret. For one, I couldn’t confess who the father was. Not yet, and I wasn’t sure if ever. Silence fell so fast it felt like the room exhaled and then forgot how to breathe.
“Only a few weeks, I think,” I continued. “I haven’t had an appointment to confirm it. I actually drove here straight from the pharmacy, where I took a test in its filthy bathroom.”
Bailey sat forward, her expression unreadable. “Who?”
“Some guy I hooked up with in Miami,” I said too quickly. “You don’t know him. I don’t plan on…”
“Monroe,” Billie said. “You have to?—”
“You don’t have to decide anything right now,” Bailey interjected, eyeing Billie and telling her to stand down. I know what Billie was going to say. That it wasn’t fair to keep the news to myself and not allow the father to know their child, but I wasn’t ready for any of that. Not with the questions that were to ensue.
