Some of his bravado seeped out at my calm directness, and he focused on his Adidas tennis shoes. He’d been prepared for my anger and ready for battle.
“Never look down when you’re speaking to another man,” I commanded, checking the annoyance in my voice. I wanted to get along with my son, and my bullish tendencies when he became stubborn rarely fared well. He and I were more alike than different.
“I was trying to be respectful.” He said quietly and slowly raised his head.
“When have I ever taught you to speak with your head down, even when talking to me?”
Ethyn shrugged. “Never, I guess.”
I nodded. “Never. You have a voice, and you matter. It’s your tone, and that you curse in front of us, that’s disrespectful. You think you’re a man, then hold your head up and speak your mind using the sense God gave you.”
He lifted his chin. “I don’t want to go skiing. I’d rather stay home.”
“Why?” I asked, trying not to let my hurt hide behind anger.
“Maybe I just don’t feel like the family thing right now. It’s like whatever I want to do doesn’t matter if you or Ma wants to do something different.” Ethyn didn’t quite meet my eyes as he spoke.
“Is it because you want to be with that girl your mother caught you with?” I surmised.Like father, like son.
His cheeks flushed, and he looked past my shoulders. “Yes. Mama was so mad, and it’s not like we haven’t been careful. She’s my girlfriend and everything. I’m not just messing around with a bunch of girls.”
I warned, “If you’re trying to live with her, E, then you need to pay your own way, and we need to meet her and her folks.”
“I’m not trying to live with her. I’m too young for that, and I like that it’s just me in my space.” He jerked his head toward the door and stubbornly said, “I’m following all the rules, so Ma can’t make me leave my apartment.”
“She can because she’s your mother who signed your lease, but she won’t becauseyouare following the rules we set. She and I talked about it and agreed that as long as you keep being responsible, you can stay.”
He blew out a relieved breath. “Thanks, Dad. You can see that she was tripping. Why couldn’t she?”
“Seeing you do grown man stuff scares her. Scares me too, but it’s different for her. You’re always going to be her little boy, just like your grandmother still sees me as her boy instead of a grown man.” I joined him and leaned against his car. “You can’t speak to your mother like you did today anymore. I don’t care how much she gets on your nerves. You have an issue with her that you can’t resolve, call me. Are we clear?”
“Yes, sir.” Ethyn jammed his hands in his pockets.
“She and I have to work on respecting that you’re growing up. That doesn’t mean that when we struggle with it, you have the right to go back and forth with us or curse us like we’reon the same level. Do like you’re doing with me right now and talk about it. You could’ve jumped in your ride and driven away before I walked outside.” I nudged his shoulder. “Of course, I would’ve hunted you down, left you on the side of the road, and parked your car in my garage permanently.”
He chuckled at the truth.
“But you didn’t. Glad you recognized.” We fist bumped. I looked toward the house, sure that three sets of eyes watched from the cameras or windows. “As far as going skiing with us, I want you to come with us because you love us as much as we love you. I want to spend time with all of you. I rarely get to spend the holidays with you anymore, and now you’re off at school. You can see your girl when you get back. Let me have this trip for two days with my babies.”
Ethyn ducked his head. “Come on, Dad. Babies? Even Sekani about to be out of the house.”
“No, seriously. The three of you have my heart twisted. Can’t you see that?” I tilted my head to see his face. “E, I need you to forgive me so you can be the big brother that Kani wants and needs. He didn’t ask to be brought into the messy lives of his parents.”
His jaw clenched, and he looked toward the house. “I wish I could be like Elle, who accepts him like he’s always been here with us. I know it’s not his fault, and I hate that I keep this wall up.” Ethyn stumped his tennis shoe on the dark asphalt. “I feel guilty that I can’t be chill with him when we like pretty much the same things. He’s another reason I don’t want to go skiing. I don’t want to share him with you. Childish and selfish, I know, but it’s how I feel.”
My heart bled for both my sons at his honest admission.
“I need you to hear me when I say that Sekani didn’t replace you. In fact, the day I met him, he was barely walking, and he looked so much like you, I knew I had to be in his life.”
“Then I was right.” He dropped his head.
“No, son.” I squeezed his shoulder. “I was only supposed to be a sperm donor and had given up my rights to him. The moment I laid eyes on him, I loved you so much that I couldn’t pretend that another boy so similar to you existed in the world that I didn’t get to know and love. I’m sorry you were hurt the most by the adults in your life. Your mother, Grey, and I were careless with our hearts and with sex, which led to all of this drama and mess. And a lot of my actions were because I didn’t want to be my father, and yet I failed, at least with you.” I shifted to face him. “Most of the time, you treat me like I don’t give a fuck about you. You treat me like I wasn’t there for you. That I didn’t celebrate every birthday with you, or play video games and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, or dress like Raphael that one Halloween because you asked me to. Made sure you had what you wanted and needed, even when football demanded so much of me. Yeah, I was harder on you than Elle and Kani, but that was because I knew my son...my flesh and blood was pure magic. You’re a leader, the first-born, E, and I wouldn’t have done my job if I didn’t push you to be the best.”
I hit my fist in my hand. “And you still treat me worse than I treat my deadbeat father. I don’t deserve that because I was here and still here with you. I love you, Ethyn Moon, from the depths of my heart, and even if you never love me back the same, it won’t stop the love I have for you. You are my first baby.”
Ethyn’s eyes watered, and his face crumbled. I quickly grabbed him in my arms and held him tight while he cried. I don’t know how long we embraced when Elle’s raspy voice teased, “I want a hug, too.”
I opened my arms to Elle, and she beckoned a reluctant Sekani to join in.
