I leave him, but it’s not enough to make up for the fact that he left me first. That tiny bit of karma should make me feel better, but it only makes me feel worse.
******
I retreated to my brand-new apartment, the smell of fresh paint on the walls invading my senses as I lock the doors. I drop my computer bag down beside the rickety dining table. I open the refrigerator and consider my choices—ham, swiss cheese, eggs, and a batch of spaghetti I made a few days ago.
None of it is appealing, though I haven't eaten since lunch.
I grab my bag and settle onto my bed. I flip open my laptop and search for something to watch. I need a distraction. I can't think about Mark. I can't think about his mouth, his hands, the way his body presses against mine with a dominance that borders on tyranny.
God, it felt so good.
I lie down on my back. I imagine those hands on my knees, traveling up my inner thighs, pinning me down, and keeping me barely contained as he pushes inside me. I imagine the fire in his eyes as he sinks into me over and over, our bodies forming new bruises and an enthusiastic appreciation of each other.
My fingers rub between my legs, taking me higher and higher. I picture Mark's face—its sharp angles, the faint shadow of facial hair, and the celestial blue of his eyes. I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to recall the exact feeling of his abdomen muscles, the amount of pressure as he pinned me against the window, and the way his mouth felt on my neck.
I get so, so close. I can feel it within reach like a last hurdle. My hand starts to cramp. I stop. It isn’t the same and it only leaves me wanting more of him. Everything is a short-term relief for how much my body wants him.
I roll off my head. I ignore the ache between my legs as I wash my hands and my face. I brush my teeth and lie down without changing my clothes. I stare at the wall for nearly two hours before sleep blesses me.
******
Growing up, I idolized ambitious women. Marie Curie was the first woman to win a Nobel Prize and she won it twice. Audrey Hepburn could have gotten by on her beauty alone, but she became a legendary actress, she was a UNICEF ambassador who visited various countries who’d been struck by life’s cruelties, and she was an EGOT winner. Oprah went from an impoverished child to becoming one of the most influential people in the world. Sally Ride was the first American woman in space. Clara Barton was the founder of the American Red Cross. I clung to the idea of becoming someone so accomplished that other people would look up to me. While my friends talked about the complexities of men and what their strange behavior could mean, I dreamed of a future with a constant new goal.
I wasn’t immune to the idealization of love, but it was never a high priority. When I imagined my future, my fulfillment came from my accomplishments. I didn’t imagine anyone beside me. Maybe it was because my parents instilled the idea that work ethic set the benchmark of a decent person. Everything else was less important. Maybe I clung to my goals in order to ignore the intimacy and intricacies of relationships.
Love wasn’t anything to me but a benefit of a prestigious life until I met Mark. And as quickly as I became consumed by it, he turned love into an insidious complication that I’d never want again.
2Resonance was meant to be a stepping stone for me to become someone who would have an impact on the world. But since I ran into Mark that first day, all I can think about is him. I can't let him distract me, but nothing I do seems to stop me from being desperate for him.
“—So, using their college email, each student will be able to find their college on the webform and have a text box to fill in the band that they believe should represent their school. We’ll also provide links for the bands to encourage their fans to vote for them,” Mark finishes, gesturing to a webform idea we had come up with. We stand together in front of everyone, but we’ve avoided looking at each other. I’ve gotten enough glimpses to know that the shadow under my eyes matches the shadows under his eyes, so maybe he stayed up all night as I did.
“How long do we allow them to vote?” Aaron asks. I look down at my hands. Mark and I hadn’t decided that. I’d walked away. I’d pulled away from him twice, which was a testament to my self-control but not to my courage.
“I’d say we give them forty-eight hours,” Mark says. “It’s not ideal, but if we want to get this ad out in time, we need enough time to get their videos, and tape a beginning and an ending for it. We’ll put it on social media. All of the entertainment news organizations and some of the more legitimate ones will jump on the scent of a business rivalry, so we won’t have to do much after that.”
“It will still end up being a slow response,” Julietta says. I bump into the whiteboard, causing a small smudge to appear on the screen.
“Sorry,” I say. “Julietta, we could always throw together a quick ad. But we need something that won’t seem like we’re feeding the fire while we’re also not avoiding what Tunest has accused us of. The bands will reassure everyone that we only want people to bond over music.”
“We also want their money,” Julietta mutters. I shoot her a look, but she only winks at me.
“We’re telling you all of this in case anyone has major objections,” Mark says. “If you don’t support it, tell us now. We came up with other ideas.”
“Oh, I love it,” Julietta says. “I had an ex-boyfriend who was in the college band and if any company became involved with them, I would have bought every product they offer.”
“Were you just playing devil’s advocate?” I ask.
“Nah,” she says. “I play my own advocate and I wanted to see the two of you squirm because you’re both acting real—"
“Anyone else?” I cut her off. “Does anyone else have any objections to this idea?”
“I support it,” John says. The other employees nod and murmur their consent to the ad.
“Great.” Mark clears the interactive whiteboard and starts to push it back to its place against the wall.
John stands up from his chair, walking over to me. “Hey, Zandra, that was a great presentation,” he says.
“Um, Mark did most of the talking,” I say. “I just figured he should take the lead as my boss.”
