The silence that follows is deafening. Then Josie lets out a delighted squeal that makes me jump.
“Willa! You want them!”
“Keep your voice down,” I hiss, glancing around. A couple of guys at the pool tables look over, and Baby waves them off with a practiced smile before turning back to us.
“This is huge,” Josie continues, her voice dropping to an excited whisper. “Do you know how rare it is to find a compatible pack that fits? Especially one that by some crazy universe thing just happens to include three Alphas you already have some connection to? Like, for real, what are the odds?”
“Josie, if anyone finds out that I’m involved with them, it’ll ruin everything. My reputation, my career, everything I’ve worked for.” I drop my head to my arms again. “Fuck, I feel weird. I don’t get it. I’ve been fine for months, and then all of a sudden everything is topsy-turvy. The last couple of days have been ridiculous. I’m hot, I’m cold. I’m happy, I’m sad. I could barely concentrate all day before… well, you know.”
Baby refills my glass and gives me a long, assessing look. “Question. Are you on those suppressants the APBRA has you taking? And your OG suppressants?”
I blink at the sudden change in subject. “Yes. Why?”
Josie gives me a look that makes my stomach tighten.
“What?” I demand.
“Willa,” Josie says carefully, “suppressants… they can mess with your hormones, your emotions. Make everything feel more intense or more confusing. You know that, right?”
“No, I just figured they were like my normal ones,” I say.
“Well, APBRA suppressants are a different type, and I’ve heard from some of the regulars who come into my shop that it took them quite a few months for their bodies to adjust to the new normal of being on the double dose.”
“You think the suppressants are making me feel this way?”
“I think the suppressants are making you feel unbalanced,” Josie corrects. “But the attraction? That’s all you, honey.”
Baby snorts. “Of course it is. She’s finally around hot-as-hell Alphas.”
“What happened to our No Cowboys rule?” I glare at her. “The No Cowboys Club exists for a reason.”
“Yeah, because we were all tired of dealing with cocky assholes who thought owning a ranch made them God’s gift to women,” Baby shoots back. “But that pack isn't like that. Everyone knows it. They’re good men, Willa. Good Alphas.”
Good Alphas.
I know they’re right. Even the history between me and Jake seems like water under the bridge. The look on his face when I jumped out of the truck was full of remorse and pain. The urge to comfort him and tell him everything is okay was almost too much.
It hurt to turn away from him and walk off. Even though he hurt me, even though he rejected me, a part of me still wants to hope. I just don’t know how anymore.
“Why?” Josie asks softly, interrupting my downward spiral of feeling sorry for myself. “Why does wanting them terrify you?”
“Because wanting things has never worked out well for me,” I admit. The whiskey is loosening my tongue, making me more honest than I’d like. “Because every time I let myself wantsomething, someone finds a way to take it away or use it against me. My father did it my whole life. Felton did it. Hell, even Jake did it. And if I let myself want this—want them—and it falls apart, I just don’t have it in me to do the whole pick-myself-up-again thing.”
The words hang in the air, heavy and raw. Josie’s arm tightens around me, and Baby’s expression softens.
“Willa,” Baby says quietly, “not every Alpha is your father or Felton. And you and Jake were kids. People change.”
“I know that. Logically, I know that. But knowing it and believing it are two different things.”
“So what are you going to do?” Josie asks.
All at once, a million wants fill my heart. Waking up next to Beau. Riding on the hills with Charlie like we used to. Cuddling under the stars the way I did with Jake. Laughter, love, and hope at my fingertips.
But the reality of the moment creeps in.
“I don’t know. Avoid them? Pretend it never happened? Finish out my contract and leave town before?—”
My phone buzzes on the table, cutting me off. I pick it up, and it’s a number I don’t recognize. I flip my phone back over when it buzzes again. Weird—everyone I’d text is right here.
