But I can't say any of that. Can't explain why a simple storm turns me into this trembling, terrified mess.
Another gust. Another flicker of the lights.
And suddenly I'm sobbing.
The tears come hard and fast, ripping through me with a force that matches the storm outside. I try to hold them back but I can't.
Nikolai pulls me against his chest and wraps his arms around me, holding me so tightly I can feel his heartbeat against my cheek. It’s steady and strong and utterly calm despite the chaos raging outside.
"It's okay," he murmurs into my hair. "Let it out. I've got you."
And I do. I let it all out. The fear. The grief. The memories I've been running from for fifteen years.
"They died in a storm," I choke out between sobs. "My parents. We were going on vacation. On our way to my dad's boss's lake house. We never got to go anywhere nice. Never had the money. So this was… it was supposed to be special."
His arms tighten around me, but he doesn't interrupt. Just holds me and lets me talk.
"But there was a storm. Just like this. Wind and snow. And my dad, he was on roads he didn't know, and the car…it just…"
I break off, the words strangling in my throat. But Nikolai's hand comes up to cradle the back of my head, his fingers gentle in my hair.
"You don’t have to tell me," he says quietly.
“I want to.”
“Then take all the time you need. I’m not going anywhere.”
I draw in a shuddering breath and force myself to continue.
"He lost control. The wind just… it pushed us right off the road. We went over the embankment and into the trees. My parents—" My voice cracks. "They died on impact. I was trappedin the back seat. I couldn't move. Couldn't get out. And they were just… they were right there in the front seat, and I kept crying, kept begging them to wake up, but they wouldn't…"
A sob tears through me so violently my whole body shakes with it.
But Nikolai's arms are a vice around me, holding me together when I feel like I'm coming apart.
"It got dark," I whisper. "The storm kept going, and the snow kept falling, and I got so cold. I couldn't feel my hands anymore. Couldn't feel my feet. And I knew I was going to die there. That they'd find us all frozen together."
"Solnyshko…”
"I was so scared," I sob into his chest. "I was twelve years old, and I was so scared. I was lost and no one was ever going to find me. I couldn't do anything but wait to die beside my parents."
His hand strokes through my hair, over and over, while his other arm keeps me pressed against him.
"You survived," he says, his voice rough with something I can't identify. "You survived,malyshka. You're here. You're alive. Someone found you."
"A plow driver. He found me. But it was pure luck. If he hadn't been on that road, if he'd taken a different route…"
"But he didn't. He found you. And you survived."
I nod against his chest, my tears soaking into his shirt. The sobs are coming less violently now, my body exhausted from the force of them.
Outside, the storm rages on. The wind howls. The windows rattle. The fire dances wildly in the fireplace.
But in Nikolai's arms, I feel safe.
He walks us backward, and I realize he's moving us toward the couch. He sits, pulling me with him so I'm curled in his lap, my head tucked under his chin, his arms wrapped around me like a shield.
"Listen to me," he says, his voice low and steady against the top of my head. "You're safe here. This lodge has weathered storms like this for a hundred years. The walls are two feet of solid stone. The roof is reinforced steel and timber. This place was built to withstand anything nature can throw at it."
