“I really do love him,” I say. “I want him to be happy.”
“Is that how that works?”
“What?” I ask. “Love?”
“Yeah,” he says in barely more than a whisper.
“It’s part of it,” I say. “Probably one of the harder parts sometimes.”
“If you think I can make Evan happy, we might need to have a longer conversation than fifteen minutes. And I might need you to put some clothes on.”
18
DEACON
Isaac has a great espresso machine. I make us cappuccinos once we’re dressed, and he compliments his once he has a taste.
While I’ve been occupied with learning his machine, I was able to tell him about the things Gray and Bailey have mentioned about my relationship—or lack thereof—with Evan. I also explain about how attracted I was to my last roommate and what a disappointment that turned into. I also fill in a little more detail about the kind of life I had on weekends before he came along.
Once I’m on the couch with him, he asks, “Do you think if we hadn’t had a good date that you would have noticed Evan differently eventually?”
I don’t do well with hypotheticals, especially when what’s happened has already happened. My brain can’t subtract Isaac from my life now that he’s in it. “I don’t know.”
I don’t love having to blurt out to people that I’m autistic. Most smart, intuitive people clock it after an extended conversation with me. They don’t always come out and ask, but I can always tell when they shift into making accommodations.They’ll simplify their questions, show fewer signs of impatience, and ask over and over, “Does that make sense?”
I fucking hate that question. Because the answer is usuallyyes, I’m not a fucking toddler. Do you hear yourself?
However, in this case, I want Isaac to know. He has a decision to make, and knowing might make it easier for him, especially after the conversation I think we’re about to have. “Questions like that are hard for me to answer,” I tell him. “I’m autistic and I have ADHD, so the way I process information is a little different. I can’t imagine not knowing you, so asking what if when I only know about Evan’s feelings because of you makes it hard for me to answer.”
Isaac frowns, studying my face, and I let him. “I hadn’t picked up on that.”
“No?”
He shakes his head and reaches out to brush a lock of hair off my forehead. “All right. Well, you’ve told me what everyone else thinks of you and Evan. What do you think about it?”
I blink, surprised he doesn’t have more questions, but I can move on if he can. Gladly.
“I wish I knew, but he keeps pushing me away or leaving. I was hoping to talk to him this weekend, too, but now I don’t know.”
“You don’t want to talk anymore?”
“What I’m saying is I was wanting to see if there was any chemistry, but being with you…”
“We have a lot,” he says.
“That’s probably not enough for you, though, right?” I ask.
“It’s a great start.”
“Which could end after one conversation with Evan if it ends up he does want more with you,” I say.
“I’m not really in a place where I want to choose between the two of you. Especially not after this weekend.”
Isaac’s diplomatic answer is gratifying, but it’s not the same as being sure about where I stand with him. “But you are going to talk to him, right?”
“I will. And just to be clear, if the two of you have unfinished business, I understand if you want to explore that.”
“Just to be clear…” I repeat.
