“What ifIget too comfortable, and I start doing inappropriate things?”
“Like what?” he asks. “Kiss me?”
“Something like that.”
“Then I guess we’d find out what it was like to kiss each other.”
“Fuck, Deacon,” I groan, desperately trying to make myself pull away. “I need to get over you, not start kissing you randomly. You’re seeing someone.”
“Someone you had sex with yesterday,” he reminds me. “We’re obviously not exclusive.”
“Then why did you even tell me you were seeing him? You made a whole thing of it.”
“Well, if nothing happened after the weekend, I wouldn’t have brought it up, but since it seems like it’s gonna keep going, I thought I should.”
“Would you have still kept the plans for dinner if it was going nowhere?” I ask.
“Yes,” he says, and it sounds like he means it. “If you still wanted to go without me having anything to talk about.”
I give his shoulders a squeeze. “Of course I would have.”
He lets out a soft moan. “That’s a really nice thing to hear. Do you want to kiss?”
“Do you?” I ask, vibrating like—everywhere.
“Holding you is kind of turning me on.”
Fuck me.Same.
But…
I put a hand on his chest and push us apart. He meets my eyes. “Don’t fuck with me.”
He frowns. “I’m not.”
“Because I don’t need you to take care of me or whatever. I appreciated dinner and everything, but since then I’ve honestly never felt more pathetic.”
“I’m being honest with you,” he says.
“Then I need to be honest, too. I don’t think I can do casual with you.” All this time alone hurting has forced me to confront the feelings I have for both DeaconandIsaac. It’s been like a collision of opposites. The same thing that’s helped me keep my emotional distance from Isaac—sex—is the exact same thing I’m terrified would make me fall way too hard for Deacon.
What I haven’t figured out is why. All I know is I’m safer if I take a step back.
His lips part, and it takes a second for the small sound to come out. “Oh.”
“But thanks for the offer.”
“Are you offended?” he asks.
I’m not offended. I feel a little like a charity case, but Deacon is all sincerity and caring. It would be so easy to fall in love with him––too easy. The fact that he’s been impossible to get, albeit in a completely different way than Isaac, has made this crush from afar very safe for me. What he’s offering now, however, feels dangerous. So, no. I’m not offended. I’m scared.
No matter what, I’m going to lose everything, and it’s time I started to wrap my mind around that.
17
ISAAC
