But I swear up until right now, I’ve been fine.
I thought—and this is so fucking embarrassing in retrospect—that I really had a shot with Deacon. That eventually he’d get used to me enough that the shyness would wear off, and we’d find ourselves in a situation kind of like this one, and I would work myself up to making a move. Maybe giving him a kiss. One he’d return because in my head—he was kind of waiting for the right moment, too.
But that’s not what happened when I kissed him.
Stupid.
I sniff as a tear falls. I swipe quickly at my cheek, reach for my plate, and stand, trying to keep any more from coming out.
Deacon beats me to everything. The plate is out of my hand before I even feel its weight. He’s standing above me before my knees are straight. His hand is on my shoulder.
Why?“If this isn’t gonna result in the biggest hug of all time, I think maybe stop touching me.”
He removes his hand, and I suck in another breath to head off a fresh wave of tears. Ihatepushing him away.
“Evan, I don’t understand what’s going on.”
“I know,” I tell him. “I don’t expect you to. I’m not sure I do either.”
“You’re crying.”
“I’m really trying not to.”
“You don’t have to do that,” he says.
“It’s late. I have a lot I need to think about.”
“Did youwanta hug?”
“No, God. Deacon.” I reach up and rub both my burning eyes. “Did you?”
When he doesn’t answer for a full three seconds, I put my hands down and turn away, leaving the living room and closing myself in my bedroom for the night. I don’t burst into tears or anything. A few more trickle out before the well dries up.
I put on some music and sit down on my bed next to Apollo who’s sound asleep and snoring softly. My phone is still there, and the sight of it has me thinking hard about Isaac. What the fuck am I going to say to him tomorrow? Am I supposed to act like I don’t know? Will he have talked to Deacon?
Can I seriously keep working for him? On a conscious level, I knew he wouldn’t be single forever. He’s incredible—a total catch—and not only that—he doesn’twantto be single. Maybe I thought I’d get promoted before he found someone? If it weresomeone else—if he’d found some stranger and let me know he was in a relationship, would I be feeling the way I’m feeling now?
Maybe some sense of rejection was unavoidable since we have such a regular thing, but I also like to think I would have felt some relief. Sure, it would have been a bummer not to get to have sex with him anymore. He’s good at it. It makes working in the office at a nine to five way more appealing knowing I’ll likely get off at some point, but there’s some stress that goes with it, too. It’s not like I want everyone finding out. It’s not exactly a good look—fucking the boss.
But this—him and Deacon? It’s ripping me up inside. And it’s making me second guess everything. For example—was I completely off about not having a shot with Isaac? Should I have opened up more to see if we could have had a connection beyond physical attraction?
I shake my head and bury my face in the pillow. No. All roads led to this. Well, not this exactly, but me alone. This was how I set it up. Because avoiding my feelings felt like a safer bet. God, I’m so fucking stupid for thinking this wouldn’t catch up with me.
That settles it. I’m skipping work tomorrow. I need to reevaluate what the fuck I think I’m doing with my life.
14
ISAAC
As much as I enjoy letting Evan take me through my schedule line by line, Iamcapable of following it on my own without any prompts. Therefore, when he doesn’t show up to work on Thursday and I find an emailed “not feeling well today” in my inbox, my schedule is the first place I look to decide when I have time to check in with him.
If he’s sick, I’ll have some soup and medicines sent over. If he’s taking a mental health day, I’ll send chocolate and maybe set him up with a spa appointment. After ten, I’m pretty booked, and I don’t want to send anything to his place too early if he needs to sleep in.
My meeting with the Green team is at two, and after that, I’ll be able to call Evan and make sure it’s nothing serious.
The teams more or less run themselves, all managed by Tina and Jeff, my two VPs, both of whom worked their way up to their positions over the last three years. Since they report to me directly, I don’t interact much with the teams themselves, and the fact that I didn’t even know Deacon was one of my employees when we met on our date was a big wake-up call that I need to be paying more attention. Evan had a point about the employeesurvey. When people don’t feel like they have a connection to upper management, they feel under appreciated and have lower job satisfaction.
Deacon is twenty-eight, so he’s not old, but Green team isyoung, and immediately I see that he’s got his hands full. Three anxious-looking women and two extremely nerdy men file into my office before Deacon appears in the doorway, and damn, the man can fill out a doorway. He looks massive compared to everyone else. He’s not wide, but his height absolutely stands out.
