“I mean, I didn’t say no at first, but it wasn’t…I didn’t like it. And now, all that shit’s out there, and I’m lucky Isaac is Isaac because I’m honestly not sure who the fuck else would hire me after a decent internet search.”
“It’s not under your name, is it?” I ask.
“No, but with image searches?—”
“I can get rid of them,” I say.
“No, Deacon. You can’t.”
“No,” I say more firmly. “I definitely can.”
“You can delete someone else’s videos from an Only Fans account that’s four years old?”
“Yeah.” It would take me an hour. If that.
“How?” Evan asks, looking at me with the intense eyes again.
“I can do almost anything with a computer and some time.”
He’s staring again. He blinks a few times before looking away. “I appreciate the offer, but it’s kind of pointless now.”
“Why?”
“Because I don’t even fucking care anymore, and I did some sex work of my own for money online for a while, too. I’m not ashamed of it. It’s more like I just want to move on.”
“I get that. But if you ever change your mind.”
“Yeah, no I appreciate it.”
“So you guys did threesomes, or––?”
Evan coughs on a sip of his beer. I reach out and give his back a rub. His hand shoots out and grips my thigh. “I’m okay.”
He lets go of me fast, and I stop touching him, too. It’s possible I’m being too overbearing. I scoot a few more inches away to give him more room in case he needs it.
“Sorry,” I tell him. “I’m trying.”
“Trying to do what?”
“I’m just…” I sigh. “Trying.”
13
EVAN
Honestly, if he starts trying any harder he’s going to wind up underneath me. Or—more likely, I’ll start stripping off my clothes and begging him to try more.Harder.
I’m doing mental gymnastics not to read too much into this. My suspicion from before about his neurospiciness is being confirmed again and again, but all this undivided attention is really throwing me. It’s my fucking catnip, but I don’t know what to do with it.
I don’t know what to do with the fact that I kissed him, and he didn’t push me away. He held myhands. For kind of a long time. “Do you feel sorry for me?” I ask if only because I’m trying to put this into some category I can cope with.
He looks confused again, but at least he’s looking at me. I love his stormy blue eyes. I love being given the chance to study them up close. “I don’t think so,” he says.
“‘Cause I’m not like—attached to Isaac or anything.”
“You said you likeme.”
My face goes instantly red hot. I could blame the pepper in the rice, but I did say that. I said it a couple of times. Went ahead and admitted it like I tell people I have crushes on them all thetime. “Yeah, well, all I’m saying is I’ll figure it out. Meaning you don’t have to try so hard. You don’t have anything to feel bad about.”
