“I don’t know how you could possibly know how my brain works,” I kind of snap. “You barely speak to me.”
“I do, though,” he says.
“Fine.” I sigh. “You do. It’s just an expression.”
“Is it?”
I wish I would stop fucking talking. I think I’m fine at communicating with my mouth, but I’m even better at it when I don’t have to use words. He would understand how I feel about him a lot better if he let me kiss him, but I guess that’s Isaac’s job now.
Okay—yeah—no. Ireallycan’t let myself picture that.
“I had kind of a thing for my last roommate, and it made the living situation uncomfortable. Especially when he started seeing someone,” Deacon says.
“Ryan?”
“Yeah.”
“Great,” I say. Ryan is yet another incredibly hot guy who couldn’t be more different than me. No wonder Deacon isn’t interested in me. He must like edgier guys. Ryan is covered in tattoos and has the whole broody black cat thing going for him. Isaac is edgy, too, but in a different way. He’s powerful and quietly demanding. It’s a little terrifying how sexy he is. I guess that answers the type question. I ain’t it.
“I didn’t hook up with Ryan,” Deacon adds.
“Never?”
“No. It was more like—all in my head.”
“You’re not trying to relate to me right now, are you?”
“Is what I’m saying relatable?” he asks, like he genuinely has no intention behind his words. He’s just saying them like he’s reading a script of clarifying questions.
“It would be,” I admit, “if it didn’t feel like shit.”Jesus fucking Christ, Evan. Shut. Up.
“I’m sorry,” he says. “I’m totally lost. I wish I could start this whole conversation over.”
“What would you do differently?”
He appears to consider this. “I’m not sure.”
“It’s okay,” I say. “If nothing else, at least I feel like I’ve gotten to know you a little better. So, I guess, thanks for that.” I shove a large amount of food in my mouth, upset to the point of stress eating.
He goes about preparing a plate for himself in silence. The waiter finally comes over with my second beer, but instead of taking it, I apologize for ordering it and ask for the check.
This gets Deacon’s attention. “These were the appetizers.”
“I’m full.”
“Really?”
No, fuck, not really. I want to face plant into a vat of Haagen Daas. I want to curl up with Apollo on my bed and call my mom. “I think I should go home. I’m not feeling well.”
“Oh. Okay.”
“And feel free to bring Isaac over whenever. Just—you might want to give him a heads up about the fact that I live there if you’re gonna be fucking down the hall or whatever.” I have to tell myself that’s the beer talking. “Sorry—I need to get home.”
“I don’t need to have him over?—”
“No. Please. It’s your apartment. I’m so sorry, Deacon, I have to go.”
“Are you okay?”
