ISAAC
Watching them is the exact sort of torture I‘ve been craving. I’ve needed a punishment for letting Evan go. I’ve wanted to wallow and suffer in a way that was more acute than the chronic depression I’ve been in. And this is fucking perfect.
I also understand they need this. The valley separating Deacon and Evan is what took Evan away in the first place, and they’re the only ones who can build the bridge across it. I’m determined as hell to be patient, even if it means I don’t get to have Evan in my bed before he goes back to LA. I won’t push him too far too fast again.
This feels very much like a test. I know in my heart I have room to love both of them wildly. My bed is certainly big enough to hold them, too. But with a past full of disappointments, there’s only a certain level of conflict I can tolerate. I’m ready for certainty. I’m ready to make a commitment. I’m ready for my life to feel whole.
“Sorry.” Evan is facing me with his head resting on Deacon’s chest. His cheeks are flushed, and his lips are raw and kiss-swollen.
I shake my head with a small smile. “A monthisa long time.”
Deacon pulls his spent cock out of Evan’s hole. Seeing it covered in that unique froth of cum and lube has my mouth watering.
“Let me…clean this up.” I make myself stand and zip up my pants. In the kitchen I wet a dish towel with warm water and bring that along with a dry one back to the couch where Deacon is helping Evan off his lap.
We pass the towels back and forth, and everyone gets their pants back into place. Once we’re decent again, I sit.
Deacon and I put Evan between us, and that feels right to me. Although Evan had nothing to do with the way I met Deacon, he’s a big part of why I’ve been able to connect with Deacon as deeply as I have, not just physically. The way we want and love and miss him—however differently we may express it—is a large part of the emotional bond I feel with Deacon. I won’t assume Deacon feels the same way, but I’d have a hard time believing Evan’s got nothing to do with it.
“You know I think you’re amazing, right?” Evan asks me.
“I know I want you to think that. I definitely thinkyou’reamazing.”
“I understand a little better the position I put you in. I do get how you can be in love with two people at the same time.”
I glance at Deacon who casts his gaze down to his hands, like Evan’s words have given him something to think about.
“I haven’t gone out with anyone in a month. I haven’t even wanted to. I think I thought when I left that all this was casual—just something I was experimenting with to see if I could do it. I’m talking about the sex by the way.”
I nod, sensing he has more to say.
“What I didn’t factor in was the feelings I already had for both of you. It was almost like the sex got in the way? Like it was somuch.”
Wanting to be with him isn’t something I can apologize for because I’m not sorry for wanting them exactly the way I did and still do. I had my chances to talk to him and convince him my feelings for him were real. I thought he was listening, and maybe that’s what he’s trying to say. That he heard me.
“And it was messy,” he adds.
I can agree with that. If Deacon’s sigh is any indication, he agrees, too.
“I didn’t want to be between you, and I didn’t want to be someone to fight over or because of. I wasn’t jealous exactly, but I did feel torn—like I was being pulled in two directions. Not between you, but toward you and away from you. Like it was all or nothing. To be honest, I’m not even sure I knew what the fuck I wanted, but I wasn’t expecting you,” he says to me. “I thought you were just having fun with me.”
“And that was okay with you?” I ask, trying not to let that hurt or make me regret not telling him I had feelings for him sooner.
“I mean, it kept things simple. I knew to keep my emotions in check when I went into your office and my expectations low. Because I saw how much you dated. How much you wanted more with someone—not me.”
I swallow hard. “Why wouldn’t you let me kiss you?”
“I don’t even know anymore. Because we were already breaking so many rules? Because I had a thing for him,” he says nodding toward Deacon. “Because I felt like I’d eventually win him over, and you’d find the right guy, and I didn’t want to like you any more than I already did.”
It’s hard to regret anything I did or didn’t do with Evan because ultimately, it brought Deacon into my life, and I can’t imagine myself without him anymore. Still, it put us all in this fragile place where one wrong move could shatter us.
“But I do like you that much. I love you,” Evan says to me. “I love you like—so much. I’ve spent the last month fucking hating myself for not being able to do better and suck it up and fight for you.” He glances back at Deacon. “Maybe fight is the wrong word. I never wanted to hurt you. Either of you.”
“Did it hurt you to leave?” Deacon asks.
“Not at first. I mean, it sort of sucked, but don’t you both think I was right to get out of your way?”
“Maybe,” Deacon and I say at the same time.
