He’s quiet, but he doesn’t stop holding me.
“Do you not?” I ask.
“I do. It didn’t feel right to say it, though.”
“Why not?”
“Because I don’t want you to think I need anything more than this. I don’t,” he says.
I wish I could say the same thing, but it’s never been that simple for me. I’ve wanted and needed them both. From the moment I brought Deacon home with me, Evan has always been a part of the negotiation between us. Deacon knew from the start how I felt about my former assistant. What I’ve never been able to pin down is how Deacon feels about Evan. If he has any feelings of his own for him, or if he was only tolerating him because it was what I needed.
I don’t know why I’m like this. It’s not like Evan put his foot down and was willing to fight for me the way Deacon was. But I also think about how much smoother this last month might have been if Evan were here. Despite a few bumps here and there, he made my life easier every day, and I don’t think that would have changed if he’d had to work from my home office while I had to be here to keep an eye on Jake.
“Are you happy it’s just us?” I ask.
“You’re not,” Deacon says.
I frown and pull away. “Don’t say that. I’m not unhappy.”
“I don’t think it’s fair that he left. I’m angry with him.”
“I don’t want you to be angry with him.”
He lets his arm drop from around my shoulders. “You don’t get to decide that for me. It sucks that he gave up on you, but he gave up on me first. It’s not fair that he said he’d try, and then he bailed before anybody had a chance to see if it could work. So I’m angry because I know he’s got things you need—and I want those things for you.”
“What about what you need?” I ask.
“All I needed was a chance. That was all I asked for. I knew things with him weren’t moving as fast as things with you and me did, but I wanted the chance to get there.”
“What do you miss about him?” I ask, curious.
Deacon grimaces, like he doesn’t want to think about the good in Evan, not while he’s entrenched in his anger. “Hisfriendship,” Deacon says. “And his—I don’t know. His light? I guess. I have a list.”
“Light is a good word for it,” I say.
“You know what I mean?”
I feel like I understand Evan’s light better than anyone. Evan possesses a fun streak Deacon and I don’t have. Diamond-shaped butt plugs and all. He was playful and a tease and even a brat at times, but he did it all with a sparkle I’ve long since lost, and frankly I don’t think Deacon has—not without Evan anyway. That night we were all here, taking turns with each other in bed—he had it then.
“I know what you mean,” I say. “Are you upset I reached out?”
He shakes his head. “No, I get it. Thanks for showing me the emails.”
“I’m not trying to hide anything from you.”
“I appreciate that.”
“Would you ever want to reach out?”
“I’m not sure I’d be as nice as you were,” he says.
“He’s my weakness. What can I say?”
“He’s like a rock in my fucking shoe.”
I stroke Deacon’s cheek. “I love you,” I tell him. It’s the first time I’ve ever said it to him out loud, and he looks at me with something like curiosity in his dark blue eyes.
“Yeah?”
