“If it had been up to you, who would you have picked?” he asks.
I frown. “I wouldn’t have. Also—it didn’t feel like I was given a choice. It was either take them both or fuck off. So I fucked off.”
“Do you feel like you made the right choice?”
“I feel like—” How do I put this? “I feel like they were way too far ahead of me, and it wouldn’t be fair to ask them to wait for me to catch up when I wasn’t sure I was ever going to.”
“That’s not a yes,” Hunter says.
“I think I might need more time.”
“Time to what?”
“To find someone else,” I say because I don’t want to say what’s true. That I’m not over either one of them, and I’m afraid I left too soon.
ISAAC
From: [email protected]
Re: Re:Letter of Resignation
Evan,
Hi.
That took me thirty minutes to write, so I’m gonna go ahead and move on. I’m reminding myself I can change it later and delete this part. Or not send this at all.
I’d like to talk to you. I miss talking to you. But I’m afraid if I call, you won’t answer.
Here’s what I’ve been thinking about, in no particular order. Am I writing this too soon, or am I too late? What am I trying to accomplish by writing this? I guess I have some things I want to get off my chest.
I keep having these dreams where I’m traveling to all these beautiful locations. Places I love, places I’m afraid I won’t have time to see enough of. But I keep traveling. And then I think—how long has it been since I’ve been home? Weeks? Months? What about work? What about the responsibilities I have? And I think I’m not sure how to get home. And is it really that important that I leave now because I just discovered this house I’m in has a whole new set of rooms I want to explore. Or this place I’m at has water I haven’t dived into yet. So I wind up stuck there, not knowing how to stay and not knowing how to leave.
No one wants to hear about dreams, but Jake’s interpretation is that I feel stuck. Not in an unpleasant place, but stuck nonetheless. I guess you could say this is just me wanting to have it all. But the thing about the dreams is I know I can’t have it all, and I don’t really get a choice. Therefore—stuck.
I don’t fault you for leaving. I remember thinking on that last night that if you wanted me to give up Deacon, I wouldn’t be able to. And I was pretty sure Deacon felt the same way.
None of that changed the fact that I love you. That I’m in love with you, and I have been for longer than you know. I miss you every day, but I don’t know how to get back to you. This place I’m in doesn’t suck. I haven’t given up Deacon. I still don’t think I could. It’s been a rough month, and he’s been here for me every step of the way. We’re making it work. I guess that’s what you said you wanted, and I don’t know why that hurts, but it does.
I get not wanting to be with a guy who can’t choose. What I hate is that you didn’t want to be withme. I hate that you’re in another city. I miss you so fucking much. I haven’t even hired anyone to replace you. And I think it’s because no onecanreplace you.
Again, I don’t want to make you feel bad for leaving. Maybe you saw a fight you couldn’t win, or maybe you thought it was what was best for everyone. Or maybe you were just sick of my shit. Which was it, though? Would you answer if I called?
Would you see me if I said I wanted to see you?
Will you write me back so I know you’re doing all right?
I heard 4PF is doing great with you there. A huge turnaround, and I’m not surprised. If you ever want to take a crack at Polytech…
I guess every company could use someone like you.
It makes me feel better when I think of you being happy. I didn’t think it would, but it does. I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Love,
Isaac
