But I am unwound.
The bathroom isn’t far. It has two stalls, and I lock myself inside one, pushing up my sleeves to scratch at my arms. I sit down on the toilet and hang my head, reciting the notes of the Bach minuet in my head until I’ve calmed down enough to stop scratching and tap the rhythm on my arms with my fingers. I picture myself playing it on actual piano keys, but it takes several minutes for me to lose myself fully in the visualization.
Once I’m there, I remind myself to breathe.
When I’ve gotten myself mostly together, I check my phone. No messages.
On impulse, I type a message to Evan.
Where are you??
Staring at the phone, I hover my thumb over the send button. It’s four in the morning. I know I messed up with him tonight. I got jealous, and something inside me was hurting, and I took it all out on him, when really my insecurity was just as much to blame.
I don’t think it’s my autism or my personality or anything like that. He liked me fine before I forced him into a three-way. Maybe forced is too strong a word but seduced for sure.
But I can’t help the way I feel about Isaac. Those feelings came out of nowhere—like he stuck his hand inside my chest and yanked them out. What was happening between me and Evan was proceeding at a pace that would have made perfect sense to me if things with Isaac hadn’t happened so fast, but instead of it morphing into something huge like my feelings for Isaac, it started shriveling into a ball, and I didn’t know how to get it back, so I lashed out.
I’m new to all of this. Relationships. Intense feelings. Fuck, I’ve rarely had sex with the same person more than a couple of times. I wish I could have been more patient.
As I’m about to leave the stall, my phone buzzes. I want so much for it to be Evan, but it’s Isaac.
Isaac
I’m in the waiting room. Where’d you go? Do you need me?
Me
I’m okay. On my way.
He’s frowning when I find him. But he puts his hands on my shoulders and looks into my eyes. “I was worried about you. Are you sure you’re all right?”
“I just needed a minute. How’s Jake?”
“Unconscious, but they said he’s stable now.”
A set of double doors swings open to my left, and I flinch. Isaac’s grip on me tightens. “What can I do?” he asks, his voice low.
“I need to go to the car.”
“I’ll go with you.”
I shake my head and move out of his hold. “Jake needs you. I’m okay. I just need…” I’m struggling to find the words, but he doesn’t make me struggle long.
“You can go if you need to. But at least let me walk you out.”
I want to refuse him, but I remember the walk in all too vividly. I nod. He takes my hand and guides me through the chaos until we’re outside the emergency room doors again. That’s where I let go. “I’m sorry,” I tell him.
He shakes his head and steps closer to me, pushing a hand through my hair. “Deacon, don’t apologize. I’m okay. Take care of yourself, and if you need me, I’ll be there.”
I swallow hard. I don’t deserve this. I don’t deserve him. It’s so, so fucking clear to me now why he needs Evan, too. Why he’ll never choose. And I might be the reason he loses him.
38
EVAN
Sam and Calyx were about to go to bed when I called. They only got back from New York a few days ago, so that was lucky at least, but being sent directly to bed when I really needed to talk sucked.
This morning, I have Sam’s full attention while we walk our dogs and Calyx sleeps in.
